for The Court Magician5/14/2012 c4 Silent Ruse
Love the information you placed in this chapter, and by the style you write and how fluent the work is, I'm expecting quite the build up down the road, I'm really glad I picked up this piece of work, I'm surprised no one else is reviewing this (Unless you have those lazy readers who read it all but give no input)
Few things I want to comment on, all good might I add.
1) "Seven-Sinned Magician" I really hope you mean the seven deadly sins of Lust, Gluttony, Pride, Greed, Sloth, Wrath and Envy. (If so then you really have a FMA Brotherhood theme going here) I've always been intrigued with the concept and always tried finding ways to weave them into my stories (I know when I'm going to write them, just not in my current novel.) Just a personal interest, nothing critical about the story :)
2) The several people you have him go meet and interview, judging by how detailed you are I have an inkling this won't be the last we see of these people (I hope) and I really enjoy how you could tell the different personalities on the little information you give about them.
3) The little humour you put in here and there is really good flavour. It isn't too much to be considered a comedy and it's just enough that the reader doesn't think the characters are finding it "funny" but we, the reader, are having an inside joke with the characters. Nice connection.
4) The build up you're having here is a nice gradual climb. Currently I still don't see the current story goal. I understand that the king is out and currently they're trying to find out who's attacking people at night (I believe it was more specifically caravans? Or is my mind just making that up?), either way I know that won't be the ultimate end goal that puts a dramatic end to it all. But we'll see, you're pull you have on me already is making me not so concerned about that yet, and just seeing what each chapter is for itself.
Currently all I have to say for now, I always look forward to your updates and I hope you keep up with the good work.
Remmington.
Love the information you placed in this chapter, and by the style you write and how fluent the work is, I'm expecting quite the build up down the road, I'm really glad I picked up this piece of work, I'm surprised no one else is reviewing this (Unless you have those lazy readers who read it all but give no input)
Few things I want to comment on, all good might I add.
1) "Seven-Sinned Magician" I really hope you mean the seven deadly sins of Lust, Gluttony, Pride, Greed, Sloth, Wrath and Envy. (If so then you really have a FMA Brotherhood theme going here) I've always been intrigued with the concept and always tried finding ways to weave them into my stories (I know when I'm going to write them, just not in my current novel.) Just a personal interest, nothing critical about the story :)
2) The several people you have him go meet and interview, judging by how detailed you are I have an inkling this won't be the last we see of these people (I hope) and I really enjoy how you could tell the different personalities on the little information you give about them.
3) The little humour you put in here and there is really good flavour. It isn't too much to be considered a comedy and it's just enough that the reader doesn't think the characters are finding it "funny" but we, the reader, are having an inside joke with the characters. Nice connection.
4) The build up you're having here is a nice gradual climb. Currently I still don't see the current story goal. I understand that the king is out and currently they're trying to find out who's attacking people at night (I believe it was more specifically caravans? Or is my mind just making that up?), either way I know that won't be the ultimate end goal that puts a dramatic end to it all. But we'll see, you're pull you have on me already is making me not so concerned about that yet, and just seeing what each chapter is for itself.
Currently all I have to say for now, I always look forward to your updates and I hope you keep up with the good work.
Remmington.
5/11/2012 c3 Silent Ruse
(anyone notice they changed the 'review this chapter' button? neat!)
Another enjoyable chapter, i liked the mini-cannon. The name lacked originality but it's premise didn't. I liked that you said it resembled a cannon rather than a pistol or revolver, really adds flavour to the fantasy life really. Plus the technicals behind it really add the extra depth in both the item itself, and the plot you're currently following.
For a moment, I honestly thought that you were going to have Anne hold Clarice hostage, I really would have loved to see that (Only because it would open up so many more questions.) But it was pretty close, you left her as a suspect so we know this isn't a "Everyone is so friendly" type of story.
I can definitely tell you put a lot of thought into your story as things don't miss a beat, everything feels right and I never have to break concentration... except for one important part.
-
"Lathall's a friend of mine from school. Also, I was going to show Her Highness how the mini-cannon works," she explained eagerly.
"Yes, I am quite looking forward to it."
-
I couldn't tell who was responding to this until I realized the context, only because you have several people in the conversation (Anne, Lathall, Clarice and Garm) so it would have been just a little nice to have had a little context as to who responded in that situation. When it's just two people it's easier to follow, but three or more you can get a little lost depending on the context.
Either way I really enjoyed the story, and so far you seem to be the only one updated out of the several stories I've been keeping track of. But at least your story is really involving so it makes up for their laziness ;P
Until your next chapter, and keep up the amazing work.
Remmington
(anyone notice they changed the 'review this chapter' button? neat!)
Another enjoyable chapter, i liked the mini-cannon. The name lacked originality but it's premise didn't. I liked that you said it resembled a cannon rather than a pistol or revolver, really adds flavour to the fantasy life really. Plus the technicals behind it really add the extra depth in both the item itself, and the plot you're currently following.
For a moment, I honestly thought that you were going to have Anne hold Clarice hostage, I really would have loved to see that (Only because it would open up so many more questions.) But it was pretty close, you left her as a suspect so we know this isn't a "Everyone is so friendly" type of story.
I can definitely tell you put a lot of thought into your story as things don't miss a beat, everything feels right and I never have to break concentration... except for one important part.
-
"Lathall's a friend of mine from school. Also, I was going to show Her Highness how the mini-cannon works," she explained eagerly.
"Yes, I am quite looking forward to it."
-
I couldn't tell who was responding to this until I realized the context, only because you have several people in the conversation (Anne, Lathall, Clarice and Garm) so it would have been just a little nice to have had a little context as to who responded in that situation. When it's just two people it's easier to follow, but three or more you can get a little lost depending on the context.
Either way I really enjoyed the story, and so far you seem to be the only one updated out of the several stories I've been keeping track of. But at least your story is really involving so it makes up for their laziness ;P
Until your next chapter, and keep up the amazing work.
Remmington
5/9/2012 c2 Silent Ruse
Ooo, I like how you ended that one. Not so much a cliff hanger but more like "Oh I wonder how this will affect the story now?"
It seems the relationship you have between Lathall and Clarise have a very important one rather than a "I'm royalty, I called you, do my bidding" type of thing. Really adds some personality to it.
I like the flow of the story, I never have to stop to re-read anything or feel like anything is out of chronological order. You have a nice talent there and I really hope it doesn't let up (But don't let the comment get to you or else it might lol)
I was also entertained by the way you explained guilds. Anyone who's ever played games or read stories that involve guilds usually have a preconceived notion on how they work so they feel no need to explain it, but you still took the time to explain their functions in your story, which is really a huge plus as it helps dictate what their real function is in the story, rather than being a gimmick.
Glad you updated so soon and I hope the next one is created with just as equal speed (Though, don't push yourself, cause I know first hand how rushed pieces of work turn out)
Until the next chapter, great job.
Remmington
Ooo, I like how you ended that one. Not so much a cliff hanger but more like "Oh I wonder how this will affect the story now?"
It seems the relationship you have between Lathall and Clarise have a very important one rather than a "I'm royalty, I called you, do my bidding" type of thing. Really adds some personality to it.
I like the flow of the story, I never have to stop to re-read anything or feel like anything is out of chronological order. You have a nice talent there and I really hope it doesn't let up (But don't let the comment get to you or else it might lol)
I was also entertained by the way you explained guilds. Anyone who's ever played games or read stories that involve guilds usually have a preconceived notion on how they work so they feel no need to explain it, but you still took the time to explain their functions in your story, which is really a huge plus as it helps dictate what their real function is in the story, rather than being a gimmick.
Glad you updated so soon and I hope the next one is created with just as equal speed (Though, don't push yourself, cause I know first hand how rushed pieces of work turn out)
Until the next chapter, great job.
Remmington
5/8/2012 c1 
7Ever Twinwood
The story interests me. May I make a few grammatical/stylistic suggestions?
"Novice mages usually travelled" should, I believe, be "travel;" if you keep it past tense, there should only be one l.
"I then paused for a moment to consider my response. Should I tell the truth or lie?" I find this a bit repetitive. The second sentence indicates why she paused; perhaps eliminate "to consider my response."
"who is after all currently away" I would add commas around after all - "who is, after all, currently away." But maybe that's just me. ;p
I did notice quite a few sentences containing "was" toward the end of the story. That may be something you could rework.
Other than that, it's well-written and I did enjoy the read. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
7Ever TwinwoodThe story interests me. May I make a few grammatical/stylistic suggestions?
"Novice mages usually travelled" should, I believe, be "travel;" if you keep it past tense, there should only be one l.
"I then paused for a moment to consider my response. Should I tell the truth or lie?" I find this a bit repetitive. The second sentence indicates why she paused; perhaps eliminate "to consider my response."
"who is after all currently away" I would add commas around after all - "who is, after all, currently away." But maybe that's just me. ;p
I did notice quite a few sentences containing "was" toward the end of the story. That may be something you could rework.
Other than that, it's well-written and I did enjoy the read. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
5/8/2012 c1 Silent Ruse
That was definitely a pleasant read, very rarely is the typical "Fortune teller" the main character, usually they're portrayed as the turning point or the thing that starts off the dramatic changes but never looked at as the main character, so this will be an interesting perspective.
I feel the narrative was OK with a few minor spelling errors, but I'm not one who cares about how 150% perfect stories are in terms of how things are spelled, I care more about the story itself.
I am curious to see what the princess has behind this metaphorical mask of hers, and I'm even more curious as to how Lathall will react depending on the situation. Considering what his current major point is tarrot card reading, I'm wondering where his battling skills lie (If there are any) or if this will be more about a battle of wits and plotting.
Can't say for sure on how the story will play out, but I can say I will be waiting eagerly to see the next chapter.
Until next time.
Remmington.
That was definitely a pleasant read, very rarely is the typical "Fortune teller" the main character, usually they're portrayed as the turning point or the thing that starts off the dramatic changes but never looked at as the main character, so this will be an interesting perspective.
I feel the narrative was OK with a few minor spelling errors, but I'm not one who cares about how 150% perfect stories are in terms of how things are spelled, I care more about the story itself.
I am curious to see what the princess has behind this metaphorical mask of hers, and I'm even more curious as to how Lathall will react depending on the situation. Considering what his current major point is tarrot card reading, I'm wondering where his battling skills lie (If there are any) or if this will be more about a battle of wits and plotting.
Can't say for sure on how the story will play out, but I can say I will be waiting eagerly to see the next chapter.
Until next time.
Remmington.