
7/5/2012 c1
4The Phoenix Girl
Oh :'( this so sad :( I'm so depressed right now :( I think I'm going to spend the day crying about what happened to Isabella :(

Oh :'( this so sad :( I'm so depressed right now :( I think I'm going to spend the day crying about what happened to Isabella :(
5/13/2012 c1
1thenamesanya
Pretty good for a first story.
Just a couple things:
When you have a dialogue, you need some punctuation. So you do this: "Down here" It should be "Down here."
I felt like this story was written extremely fast and put on here without revisions because it's missing words entirely. "She got out of the car with in tow." You mean with HIM in tow?
When someone has cancer, their hair falls out because of the chemo treatments, so I was confused as to why she was losing her hair.
There were a couple random things that weren't supposed to be capitalized, like Brain Cancer should be brain cancer. Or after a comma there was a capitalized word.
Other than the grammar, I think it was a pretty good story. A little cliche but these people eat cliche up.

Pretty good for a first story.
Just a couple things:
When you have a dialogue, you need some punctuation. So you do this: "Down here" It should be "Down here."
I felt like this story was written extremely fast and put on here without revisions because it's missing words entirely. "She got out of the car with in tow." You mean with HIM in tow?
When someone has cancer, their hair falls out because of the chemo treatments, so I was confused as to why she was losing her hair.
There were a couple random things that weren't supposed to be capitalized, like Brain Cancer should be brain cancer. Or after a comma there was a capitalized word.
Other than the grammar, I think it was a pretty good story. A little cliche but these people eat cliche up.