Just In
for The Unwanted

11/25/2012 c3 3Miggles
Okay; love the idea! I want to keep reading, so don't give up on the story just yet!
There are spelling and grammar errors that make it harder to read; you really need to edit these pieces more.
Also, I don't see the point of chapter two; if this was a published book that wouldn't be in it. Rather than stating it all out of context, work it into the story. Plus, there are mistakes in that chapter; you said Katie was a succubus, but then in chapter three she was the vampire? Things like that.
Finally, you need to make things a little more realistic, like if I was about to be crushed by a falling tree, I would try to move or be panicking or something. I wouldn't just sit there and think 'This sucks!' I might think that whilst moving, maybe sarcastically, but the way you have written it just now makes me think that Athla, (LOVE the name btw :D), either isn't very clever, or doesn't have emotions? Try rewriting that and it should make it easier to follow.
Good luck, and I look forwards to reading the next part! :)
6/29/2012 c1 1spottedfire98
Im reveiwing my own story cuz im bored...sue me...

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service