Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Graduation from a Kitten to a Tigress

8/29/2012 c1 10close enough to speak
I have to say I'm confused by this story. Is it meant to be a poetic short story? If it is then the style is beautiful and flowing. If it is supposed to be the start of a novel then i think there needs to be a storyline instead of a series of sentences on I guess the psychology of sex. It's written in a completely detached way though so I can't feel attached to it either
8/14/2012 c1 999999999999999999999999999999
I'm beginning to notice a theme here... I enjoy the refreshing lack of prudishness that is all too often absent from civilised society, and I am astounded by the depth to which you are able to portray the intense and yet often undefinable (even within the one who is doing the feeling) emotions of the innocent pushed away from innocence far before their time.
Cheers, Riyin Nos Reche
7/10/2012 c1 76The Autumn Queen
I really like the narration of this. It's abstract and yet concrete in that it represents facts not straight-forwardly but metaphorically. There's a sexual nature about it, and at the same time something innocent. Something pure. It's almost like poetic prose in a sense.

On the other hand, your length in a general sense is somewhat unhinging the clarity. The first sentence for example, while broken up with punctuation, is longer than necessary and thus loses a little of its impact by the end. I'd recommend using a few more fullstops. There are other places too, like [No, "lose" is entirely wrong] - having a fullstop instead of a comma after no would be more effective. And the length of your second paragraph is a tad daunting. It wouldn't be so much (for me anyway) if the chapter itself were longer, but as it fits into my screen, I see it as being a little too long in circumstance. I thin you can split it, perhaps at "the sensation of being watched".

[His eyes; the directors of his clever, clever hands] - that's a place for a colon as opposed to a semicolon as the second phrase is describing the first

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service