for Destined5/31/2012 c1 YuePantera
This has great potential and I look forwards to the next chapter! I enjoyed it and you have a great writing style. :) x
This has great potential and I look forwards to the next chapter! I enjoyed it and you have a great writing style. :) x
5/26/2012 c1 
3a thousand slimy things
Hi! This is my first ever review, so I hope I don't end up offending you!
First of all, I would like to state that this is not a flame! I nitpick, I know, but I do it in good faith and hope to be given the same treatment. I think this is pretty nice as far as beginnings go - and I'm of the opinion that they are the part that is easiest to butcher, so congratulations! But.
The first section is a bit of an infodump. My first instinct upon encountering an infodump is to run. I get that it is necessary, but maybe you could deliver it in a different form? Like, for example, an official report about the incident? It would have to remain as short and to the point as it is, and this is just my personal opinion. I like it when stories or chapters open with a quote from a fictional source. It gives the setting depth – because someone had to write those things, right? Even if the author is never mentioned, I know he exists, and that's a step towards more realism. But I digress.
Brace yourself now.
“There, in the sacred river, floated tens of bloodied Orc bodies. Dead.”
I gathered they were dead when you used the word 'bodies'. No need to restate it, I think.
“they were roughly ten feet apart, they could clearly feel each other's power, stretching through the ten-foot distance”
Again, you repeat yourself. If they are standing ten feet apart, I can hazard the guess that the distance between them is not twenty feet.
I'm ignoring grammatical mistakes, though there are quite a few. I know how hard it is to spot them in one's own work.
“The purple of her eyes slowly brightened with burning rage, boring into the eyes of the man standing a couple meters before her.”
I still remember where he's standing, and you made no mention of him moving, so there's no reason to point it out again.
“The man who bombarded their clan with a thousand false accusations.”
Really? They must've been standing there, talking, for a long time, then.
“A thunder boomed not far from the clearing they were in.”
Please, stop reminding me where they are. Although this one is less awkward, because I suppose you could have meant another clearing... Well, okay, not really.
“A thunder boomed not far from the clearing they were in. His amusement immediately died and was replaced by an expression of utter contempt.”
I said I'd ignore grammar, but I can't resist this one. Keep track of you subjects, or the thunder will end up feeling amusement, and later contempt.
“To think that you would resort to brutality as a means to get rid of us, the abominations-”
I'm not a native speaker of English, but I think most people would use 'violence' instead of 'brutality'.
His raised his eyebrows. "Are you threatening me now?"
"I am not. This is a warning. Don't you dare start a war."
I kind of got the impression that she was, in fact, threatening him. So his question sounds slightly stupid.
But I like how she's the one who seems to be on the verge of starting a war, and yet accusing the perfectly reasonable Orc. Pretty neat character development (or establishing, I don't know).
“He emitted an extremely dangerous aura.”
You mean on purpose, that he consciously released it? Because that would be kind of cool. Otherwise, I think you want a different tense.
“the green in them starting to illuminate”
I don't think 'illuminate' means the same as 'glow'. But I could be wrong. Unless you mean it illuminated the hue?
“tinting itself dark green to accentuate her stunning eyes”
This sounds like it (is 'it' her lashes? Because I lost the subject again) is making a conscious effort to accentuate her eyes.
“His eyes darkened to a dangerous hue.”
This is just my personal bias, but I really don't like it when eyes change colour to reflect their owner's mood. It just doesn't happen in real life.
Also, it just occurred to me that, if the woman is your POV character, her sight is pretty damn good for her to be able to see Marcus' eye colour from ten feet away.
All in all, I really like what you've written! And I like Marcus. It's a nice touch, I think, showing the nicer character through the eyes of the less likeable one. And I love the fact that your POV character is so biased! I'm really excited to see what happens next.
Also, I like your descriptions of the transformations. Really cool, if a little pointless. But it's one of the things I love about fantasy: you can stick things in it just because they look awesome, if you are moderate about it.
3a thousand slimy thingsHi! This is my first ever review, so I hope I don't end up offending you!
First of all, I would like to state that this is not a flame! I nitpick, I know, but I do it in good faith and hope to be given the same treatment. I think this is pretty nice as far as beginnings go - and I'm of the opinion that they are the part that is easiest to butcher, so congratulations! But.
The first section is a bit of an infodump. My first instinct upon encountering an infodump is to run. I get that it is necessary, but maybe you could deliver it in a different form? Like, for example, an official report about the incident? It would have to remain as short and to the point as it is, and this is just my personal opinion. I like it when stories or chapters open with a quote from a fictional source. It gives the setting depth – because someone had to write those things, right? Even if the author is never mentioned, I know he exists, and that's a step towards more realism. But I digress.
Brace yourself now.
“There, in the sacred river, floated tens of bloodied Orc bodies. Dead.”
I gathered they were dead when you used the word 'bodies'. No need to restate it, I think.
“they were roughly ten feet apart, they could clearly feel each other's power, stretching through the ten-foot distance”
Again, you repeat yourself. If they are standing ten feet apart, I can hazard the guess that the distance between them is not twenty feet.
I'm ignoring grammatical mistakes, though there are quite a few. I know how hard it is to spot them in one's own work.
“The purple of her eyes slowly brightened with burning rage, boring into the eyes of the man standing a couple meters before her.”
I still remember where he's standing, and you made no mention of him moving, so there's no reason to point it out again.
“The man who bombarded their clan with a thousand false accusations.”
Really? They must've been standing there, talking, for a long time, then.
“A thunder boomed not far from the clearing they were in.”
Please, stop reminding me where they are. Although this one is less awkward, because I suppose you could have meant another clearing... Well, okay, not really.
“A thunder boomed not far from the clearing they were in. His amusement immediately died and was replaced by an expression of utter contempt.”
I said I'd ignore grammar, but I can't resist this one. Keep track of you subjects, or the thunder will end up feeling amusement, and later contempt.
“To think that you would resort to brutality as a means to get rid of us, the abominations-”
I'm not a native speaker of English, but I think most people would use 'violence' instead of 'brutality'.
His raised his eyebrows. "Are you threatening me now?"
"I am not. This is a warning. Don't you dare start a war."
I kind of got the impression that she was, in fact, threatening him. So his question sounds slightly stupid.
But I like how she's the one who seems to be on the verge of starting a war, and yet accusing the perfectly reasonable Orc. Pretty neat character development (or establishing, I don't know).
“He emitted an extremely dangerous aura.”
You mean on purpose, that he consciously released it? Because that would be kind of cool. Otherwise, I think you want a different tense.
“the green in them starting to illuminate”
I don't think 'illuminate' means the same as 'glow'. But I could be wrong. Unless you mean it illuminated the hue?
“tinting itself dark green to accentuate her stunning eyes”
This sounds like it (is 'it' her lashes? Because I lost the subject again) is making a conscious effort to accentuate her eyes.
“His eyes darkened to a dangerous hue.”
This is just my personal bias, but I really don't like it when eyes change colour to reflect their owner's mood. It just doesn't happen in real life.
Also, it just occurred to me that, if the woman is your POV character, her sight is pretty damn good for her to be able to see Marcus' eye colour from ten feet away.
All in all, I really like what you've written! And I like Marcus. It's a nice touch, I think, showing the nicer character through the eyes of the less likeable one. And I love the fact that your POV character is so biased! I'm really excited to see what happens next.
Also, I like your descriptions of the transformations. Really cool, if a little pointless. But it's one of the things I love about fantasy: you can stick things in it just because they look awesome, if you are moderate about it.