for Beauty Doesn't Know the Beast8/11/2012 c2 
99Dreamers-Requiem
I feel like the dialogue doesn't fit the characters - it just doesn't feel natural for teenagers to talk that way. I still feel like you're cramming a lot of information in, too, telling the reader rather than showing. Some sentences are really wordy, too. Consider changing [Leander asked, I swear to god he was smirking like he knew I had a really bad night's rest.] to something like (Leander asked, smirking like he knew I'd slept badly.) [I didn't know if I could trust Leander, I barely knew his name. ] This contradicts almost everything else - she seems to know an awful lot about the boys, yet keeps insisting she knows nothing about them. And 'barely knew his name' tends to apply when someone has just found out someone's name, as in they've just met them. [ I hear from your Mom: your very clean so you must have finished unpacking all of your bags last night itself, right?"] Odd sentence. Should be 'your mom', no capital as it's not being used as a proper noun. And 'you're very clean', as in 'you are very', not your. Small things like that can really affect the way someone reads your story.
Going back to the point about dialogue - [I was tired so I retired to my room early] 'retired' is a very old fashioned word. Maybe just 'went to my room' or 'went to bed early' or something. I would suggest re-reading everything before posting; it'll help catch some of those mistakes.
99Dreamers-RequiemI feel like the dialogue doesn't fit the characters - it just doesn't feel natural for teenagers to talk that way. I still feel like you're cramming a lot of information in, too, telling the reader rather than showing. Some sentences are really wordy, too. Consider changing [Leander asked, I swear to god he was smirking like he knew I had a really bad night's rest.] to something like (Leander asked, smirking like he knew I'd slept badly.) [I didn't know if I could trust Leander, I barely knew his name. ] This contradicts almost everything else - she seems to know an awful lot about the boys, yet keeps insisting she knows nothing about them. And 'barely knew his name' tends to apply when someone has just found out someone's name, as in they've just met them. [ I hear from your Mom: your very clean so you must have finished unpacking all of your bags last night itself, right?"] Odd sentence. Should be 'your mom', no capital as it's not being used as a proper noun. And 'you're very clean', as in 'you are very', not your. Small things like that can really affect the way someone reads your story.
Going back to the point about dialogue - [I was tired so I retired to my room early] 'retired' is a very old fashioned word. Maybe just 'went to my room' or 'went to bed early' or something. I would suggest re-reading everything before posting; it'll help catch some of those mistakes.
6/24/2012 c1 Dreamers-Requiem
I feel like there's a lot of information crammed into this chapter. Nothing much happens, and, like another reviewer said, the action is stopped just to introduce the guys. I'm also a bit confused about the realisticness - why are they being allowed to stay somewhere, on their own, for the summer? Maybe you could mention a reason, or something?
You could try to incorperate the descriptions of the boys into the story itself, and I would suggest trying to vary the way you tell the reader, as each paragraph felt very repetitive in structure. For example, [Next was Jayden Brice Hall, he was super cute.] and [Paco Lander, is about the cutest thing on the planet.] It's very telling, rather than showing. perhaps show their attitutdes and personalities via their action and dialogue, with her narrative voice commenting on it as it goes along?
Ie. ("Tessa, how's things?" Paco asked, glancing at me with his contagious smile.) etc.
I did notice a few mistakes, but I also saw other reviewers comment on them so I won't go into too much detail. But I would suggest editing this chapter to make it stonger and cleaner.
I feel like there's a lot of information crammed into this chapter. Nothing much happens, and, like another reviewer said, the action is stopped just to introduce the guys. I'm also a bit confused about the realisticness - why are they being allowed to stay somewhere, on their own, for the summer? Maybe you could mention a reason, or something?
You could try to incorperate the descriptions of the boys into the story itself, and I would suggest trying to vary the way you tell the reader, as each paragraph felt very repetitive in structure. For example, [Next was Jayden Brice Hall, he was super cute.] and [Paco Lander, is about the cutest thing on the planet.] It's very telling, rather than showing. perhaps show their attitutdes and personalities via their action and dialogue, with her narrative voice commenting on it as it goes along?
Ie. ("Tessa, how's things?" Paco asked, glancing at me with his contagious smile.) etc.
I did notice a few mistakes, but I also saw other reviewers comment on them so I won't go into too much detail. But I would suggest editing this chapter to make it stonger and cleaner.
6/23/2012 c7 44professional griefer
did not like the random switch to Leander's POV. typically in a story, you should stick to one character's POV. That bugged me a bit.
Other than that, I actually really liked this chapter. The whole thing about Jayden making out with his girlfriend was really funny.
A few spelling errors, you spelled Leander Lander at one point, that was a bit confusing. Speaker tags were a bit wonky, you did periods instead of commas in a few places.
Tessa's starting to improve as a character, she's becoming more interesting. I've always liked Leander, but moreso now than before.
Nice work, I'm looking forward to reading more.
44professional grieferdid not like the random switch to Leander's POV. typically in a story, you should stick to one character's POV. That bugged me a bit.
Other than that, I actually really liked this chapter. The whole thing about Jayden making out with his girlfriend was really funny.
A few spelling errors, you spelled Leander Lander at one point, that was a bit confusing. Speaker tags were a bit wonky, you did periods instead of commas in a few places.
Tessa's starting to improve as a character, she's becoming more interesting. I've always liked Leander, but moreso now than before.
Nice work, I'm looking forward to reading more.
6/23/2012 c7 this wild abyss
[Opening] I've never been a big fan of opening a chapter with dialogue. It's really hard to know who's talking, and usually leaves the reader confused.
[Scene] Once again, you've focused most of your chapter on conversation. While that's fine, I would like to get more setting and/or action in your scenes, just to balance them out.
[Ending] Switching to Leander's perspective was an interesting idea. I didn't particularly like it, but I think you made a good decision, as the last line upped the suspense quite a bit.
[Spelling/Grammar]
"And then Lander came along" [Typo: "Leander"]
"Like every teenagers dream" [Typo: "teenager's"]
"Usually when boy held my hand like that" [Typo: "a" boy]
[Opening] I've never been a big fan of opening a chapter with dialogue. It's really hard to know who's talking, and usually leaves the reader confused.
[Scene] Once again, you've focused most of your chapter on conversation. While that's fine, I would like to get more setting and/or action in your scenes, just to balance them out.
[Ending] Switching to Leander's perspective was an interesting idea. I didn't particularly like it, but I think you made a good decision, as the last line upped the suspense quite a bit.
[Spelling/Grammar]
"And then Lander came along" [Typo: "Leander"]
"Like every teenagers dream" [Typo: "teenager's"]
"Usually when boy held my hand like that" [Typo: "a" boy]
6/20/2012 c6 this wild abyss
I liked how you continued to develop the relationship between Tessa and Leander because it keeps their characters fluid. I'm not a fan of the actual dynamic because it feels almost co-dependent, but you do it well. And as a previous reviewer said, this isn't my genre and I'm not your target audience.
I did think you did well with putting the information in the chapter. It wasn't info-dumpy and seemed to fit well with the rest of the narrative.
I liked how you continued to develop the relationship between Tessa and Leander because it keeps their characters fluid. I'm not a fan of the actual dynamic because it feels almost co-dependent, but you do it well. And as a previous reviewer said, this isn't my genre and I'm not your target audience.
I did think you did well with putting the information in the chapter. It wasn't info-dumpy and seemed to fit well with the rest of the narrative.
6/20/2012 c6 12Kharmaoftherainbow
You definitely improved on your capitalization and proofreading issues with this one, which made it MUCH easier for me to process :) Especially since you're so reliant on dialogue, this makes the overall read a lot easier.
However, your dialogue still seems a little bit awkward and impersonal. Since neither Leander nor Tessa seem to be particularly awkward people, I would suggest you maybe take a look at it again and try to smooth out your dialogue or maybe give them dialogue quirks - saying 'um' or 'like' mid-sentence, or pausing at certain places, or doing certain actions, for example. Overall definitely an improvement though :)
12KharmaoftherainbowYou definitely improved on your capitalization and proofreading issues with this one, which made it MUCH easier for me to process :) Especially since you're so reliant on dialogue, this makes the overall read a lot easier.
However, your dialogue still seems a little bit awkward and impersonal. Since neither Leander nor Tessa seem to be particularly awkward people, I would suggest you maybe take a look at it again and try to smooth out your dialogue or maybe give them dialogue quirks - saying 'um' or 'like' mid-sentence, or pausing at certain places, or doing certain actions, for example. Overall definitely an improvement though :)
6/19/2012 c1 Rogue Energizer Bunny
I didn't like the length of the paragraphs. They're so long and dense, and I feel like they make the story harder to follow. Maybe cut the size down somehow, or set all of the quotations outside of the paragraphs?
I also thought the pacing was a bit too slow. You effectively stop the action of the story to introduce all of the characters, before there's enough conflict for us to even care about them. Make sure the story's interesting before you introduce the characters, otherwise people don't feel empathy for them.
-REB/Liv
I didn't like the length of the paragraphs. They're so long and dense, and I feel like they make the story harder to follow. Maybe cut the size down somehow, or set all of the quotations outside of the paragraphs?
I also thought the pacing was a bit too slow. You effectively stop the action of the story to introduce all of the characters, before there's enough conflict for us to even care about them. Make sure the story's interesting before you introduce the characters, otherwise people don't feel empathy for them.
-REB/Liv
6/18/2012 c6 4lookingwest
The library was dark and peaceful. The husky smell of books was everywhere... [Husky was an odd choice of wording for me, I think my brain wanted "musty", since books can smell musty, especially if they're old. But I don't know what husky smells like.]
..and it was quite almost disturbingly quite. [I had to look double on this. Last one is wrong, "quiet" it should be.]
Oh man, I gotta just be honest here, especially with the big reveal in this chapter. This just isn't my cup of tea with the gender/sex roles. Especially towards the end when Leander reveals he knows so much about her, it really came across creeper Edward Cullen-esque. And you know, I guess if that gets you going, it gets you going, but from Tessa's POV I just found myself feeling a tad sorry for her. Like she's desperate to have a boyfriend so she's going to believe anything this guy tells her and she thinks it's romantic that he knows everything, even her inner thoughts. I'd personally be a little freaked. Maybe a little upset that my romantic course is set for me too. Tessa loses her choices in this role for me-as if she has no other choice but to be with Leander because it's "meant to be". I'd like her to be more independent. But I know that a lot of young adult romance doesn't work that way, and I can respect that, I just don't agree with the views here. The man has all the power over her, I want Tessa to have power over him. To equal him in her strength and knowledge, or equal him in some way at all. Keep in mind though, please, that I don't think I'm the intended audience for this story either, so all of this is just opinion coming from a college-aged feminist, xD. I mean for me, what does this story tell other girls? That being a virgin forever or dying an old maid are bad things. But they're not at all, they can be empowering too.
Things that did work well for me though. You did a great job weaving in the story line with the Lady Eleanor stuff, because that was bold and experimental and I liked to see you playing with those narratives. You did a good job conveying that story and its implications for Tessa and Leander. Good dialogue between them. I liked the setting too, in the library, because it gave it a very earthy fairy-tale feel, the symbols of the books were played well. Enjoyed that! So I feel like you're improving with this story writing-wise, though I wonder where the conflict will lead, and I apologize if I offended you with my viewpoints. I don't mean to, just to open up perspective and give an opinion from an angle you might not have gotten yet :) See you around!
4lookingwestThe library was dark and peaceful. The husky smell of books was everywhere... [Husky was an odd choice of wording for me, I think my brain wanted "musty", since books can smell musty, especially if they're old. But I don't know what husky smells like.]
..and it was quite almost disturbingly quite. [I had to look double on this. Last one is wrong, "quiet" it should be.]
Oh man, I gotta just be honest here, especially with the big reveal in this chapter. This just isn't my cup of tea with the gender/sex roles. Especially towards the end when Leander reveals he knows so much about her, it really came across creeper Edward Cullen-esque. And you know, I guess if that gets you going, it gets you going, but from Tessa's POV I just found myself feeling a tad sorry for her. Like she's desperate to have a boyfriend so she's going to believe anything this guy tells her and she thinks it's romantic that he knows everything, even her inner thoughts. I'd personally be a little freaked. Maybe a little upset that my romantic course is set for me too. Tessa loses her choices in this role for me-as if she has no other choice but to be with Leander because it's "meant to be". I'd like her to be more independent. But I know that a lot of young adult romance doesn't work that way, and I can respect that, I just don't agree with the views here. The man has all the power over her, I want Tessa to have power over him. To equal him in her strength and knowledge, or equal him in some way at all. Keep in mind though, please, that I don't think I'm the intended audience for this story either, so all of this is just opinion coming from a college-aged feminist, xD. I mean for me, what does this story tell other girls? That being a virgin forever or dying an old maid are bad things. But they're not at all, they can be empowering too.
Things that did work well for me though. You did a great job weaving in the story line with the Lady Eleanor stuff, because that was bold and experimental and I liked to see you playing with those narratives. You did a good job conveying that story and its implications for Tessa and Leander. Good dialogue between them. I liked the setting too, in the library, because it gave it a very earthy fairy-tale feel, the symbols of the books were played well. Enjoyed that! So I feel like you're improving with this story writing-wise, though I wonder where the conflict will lead, and I apologize if I offended you with my viewpoints. I don't mean to, just to open up perspective and give an opinion from an angle you might not have gotten yet :) See you around!
6/18/2012 c4 5Dr. Self Destruct
Beginning: I liked the beginning because it caught me by surprise. I wasn't expecting that to be Tessa being held by Leander. It makes me wonder what the dream may mean, and if it's some kind of subconscious desire of hers.
Dialogue: I thought your dialogue was very realistic and it portrayed the tone of the characters very well. However, I think you really need to restructure some of the dialogue. You occasionally have someone talk and then another character perform an action directly after the dialogue in the same sentence and that can be very confusing.
Ending: I really liked the last sentence because I thought it was a great cliff-hanger - comes off as very ominous, too, because it's a bloody knife. I wasn't too thrilled with the two paragraphs before it, though. I thought they were a little too wordy and dragged on for too long. By the time I got to the knife I thought all the suspense of the scene was gone.
Spelling/Grammar:
["I'm just tired." He raised an eyebrow,]
Like right here. It looks like Tessa is talking, but another character is performing the action right after it. It can some off as being misleading.
[But it was too big to be her own, it must have been his.]
Edit: Adding a 'so' after 'own' will keep this from being a comma splice.
[But your acting strange." ]
Edit: - you're
[ he rubbed the back of his neck, he usually did that when he was nervous.]
Edit: need a semi-colon instead of a comma.
[I sighed, today was nothing like I wanted it to be.]
Edit: Comma needs to be a semi-colon or period.
[I rolled over on my bed so I could face the window, I figured if I couldn't sleep I could at least stare at the stars.]
Edit: Comma needs to be a semi-colon or period.
5Dr. Self DestructBeginning: I liked the beginning because it caught me by surprise. I wasn't expecting that to be Tessa being held by Leander. It makes me wonder what the dream may mean, and if it's some kind of subconscious desire of hers.
Dialogue: I thought your dialogue was very realistic and it portrayed the tone of the characters very well. However, I think you really need to restructure some of the dialogue. You occasionally have someone talk and then another character perform an action directly after the dialogue in the same sentence and that can be very confusing.
Ending: I really liked the last sentence because I thought it was a great cliff-hanger - comes off as very ominous, too, because it's a bloody knife. I wasn't too thrilled with the two paragraphs before it, though. I thought they were a little too wordy and dragged on for too long. By the time I got to the knife I thought all the suspense of the scene was gone.
Spelling/Grammar:
["I'm just tired." He raised an eyebrow,]
Like right here. It looks like Tessa is talking, but another character is performing the action right after it. It can some off as being misleading.
[But it was too big to be her own, it must have been his.]
Edit: Adding a 'so' after 'own' will keep this from being a comma splice.
[But your acting strange." ]
Edit: - you're
[ he rubbed the back of his neck, he usually did that when he was nervous.]
Edit: need a semi-colon instead of a comma.
[I sighed, today was nothing like I wanted it to be.]
Edit: Comma needs to be a semi-colon or period.
[I rolled over on my bed so I could face the window, I figured if I couldn't sleep I could at least stare at the stars.]
Edit: Comma needs to be a semi-colon or period.
6/18/2012 c6 6Ditto123
I love this story, but this chapter seemed as if he was relasing the big bomb - all at once. Like you were rushing throuhg it, or somethin'. It kinda went fast but it's still good.
Although, why does Leander know about it but Tessa doesn't?
Also, Leander's last question, he's jelouse isn't he?
6Ditto123I love this story, but this chapter seemed as if he was relasing the big bomb - all at once. Like you were rushing throuhg it, or somethin'. It kinda went fast but it's still good.
Although, why does Leander know about it but Tessa doesn't?
Also, Leander's last question, he's jelouse isn't he?
6/18/2012 c5 44professional griefer
This is getting more interesting, and I really enjoyed the cliffhanger at the end.
Your punctuation still needs a lot of work, using more commas in dialogue would be nice, and you capitalize words that aren't proper nouns or sentence beginnings, something you should probably work on.
I don't think you say who's speaking enough, I was severely confused about who was saying what every so often.
I don't really care for Tessa's personality, she comes off as a bit flat. Leander, however, seems like a really interesting character, I'm starting to like him more.
I liked his line about the Beast being nice, it was a great allusion to your title.
This is picking up, and again, I liked the ending.
With some punctuation work, this could be very enjoyable.
44professional grieferThis is getting more interesting, and I really enjoyed the cliffhanger at the end.
Your punctuation still needs a lot of work, using more commas in dialogue would be nice, and you capitalize words that aren't proper nouns or sentence beginnings, something you should probably work on.
I don't think you say who's speaking enough, I was severely confused about who was saying what every so often.
I don't really care for Tessa's personality, she comes off as a bit flat. Leander, however, seems like a really interesting character, I'm starting to like him more.
I liked his line about the Beast being nice, it was a great allusion to your title.
This is picking up, and again, I liked the ending.
With some punctuation work, this could be very enjoyable.
6/17/2012 c5 this wild abyss
[Opening] I'm usually a bit leery of starting off a chapter with dialogue, since it can come off a bit gimmicky. And I didn't particularly like it this time for that reason. Because of that you have to do a lot of backing up to help the readers understand what was going on.
[Spelling/Grammar] As with the rest of your chapters, spelling and grammar in this is really bad. I cannot stress strongly enough the importance of running your writing through a spell-checker before uploading it. It really only takes a few seconds.
[Dialogue] I like how you continue to show us who these people are through dialogue. It's a good way of characterization that keep readers interested and isn't info-dumpy.
[Closing] As with the opening, I didn't think dialogue was the best way to close this chapter. However, it definitely pushed the reader on and had a nice suspenseful tone to it.
[Opening] I'm usually a bit leery of starting off a chapter with dialogue, since it can come off a bit gimmicky. And I didn't particularly like it this time for that reason. Because of that you have to do a lot of backing up to help the readers understand what was going on.
[Spelling/Grammar] As with the rest of your chapters, spelling and grammar in this is really bad. I cannot stress strongly enough the importance of running your writing through a spell-checker before uploading it. It really only takes a few seconds.
[Dialogue] I like how you continue to show us who these people are through dialogue. It's a good way of characterization that keep readers interested and isn't info-dumpy.
[Closing] As with the opening, I didn't think dialogue was the best way to close this chapter. However, it definitely pushed the reader on and had a nice suspenseful tone to it.
6/17/2012 c5 5Dr. Self Destruct
I liked your opening paragraph because it made me laugh. I thought it was funny how just because Paco made the hot chocolate it suddenly made the hot chocolate Mexican because Paco is Mexican. I think it shows he has a genuinely funny personality.
I didn't like the multiple grammar and punctuation issues I noticed while reading because I found them very distracting and confusing. I recommend going back and editing as soon as you get the chance. You may also want to look up some guides on compound sentences as well to help understand how to recognize a comma-splice - there's plenty of guides on the internet. Google is a great way to search for them.
5Dr. Self DestructI liked your opening paragraph because it made me laugh. I thought it was funny how just because Paco made the hot chocolate it suddenly made the hot chocolate Mexican because Paco is Mexican. I think it shows he has a genuinely funny personality.
I didn't like the multiple grammar and punctuation issues I noticed while reading because I found them very distracting and confusing. I recommend going back and editing as soon as you get the chance. You may also want to look up some guides on compound sentences as well to help understand how to recognize a comma-splice - there's plenty of guides on the internet. Google is a great way to search for them.