for Sounds of the Birds4/13/2013 c1 
15My.Writing.Is.My.Amulet
Oh my gosh, I love it! I think using the birds as a symbol of "rising from the dead", as in awakening from the coma, was a great idea, since we normally think of birds as happy creatures and creatures of the dawn, and new beginnings. Great work!
15My.Writing.Is.My.AmuletOh my gosh, I love it! I think using the birds as a symbol of "rising from the dead", as in awakening from the coma, was a great idea, since we normally think of birds as happy creatures and creatures of the dawn, and new beginnings. Great work!
8/8/2012 c1 S.H. Marr
This feels...kind of voiceless. I don't know how else to explain it. The writing style was very matter of fact and plain, without a whole lot of emotion or mood or tone to it. I'm not sure if you were trying for that or not; I don't think it worked for such an emotional scene.
It was kind of touching, though. I've reently lost a friend of my own and honestly, I have to say he was lucky to be in a coma until he passed on.
This feels...kind of voiceless. I don't know how else to explain it. The writing style was very matter of fact and plain, without a whole lot of emotion or mood or tone to it. I'm not sure if you were trying for that or not; I don't think it worked for such an emotional scene.
It was kind of touching, though. I've reently lost a friend of my own and honestly, I have to say he was lucky to be in a coma until he passed on.
7/25/2012 c1 2ohsocyanide
I can feel the attempts you made at creating an artsy piece. My work always comes off as awkward, if not bitter and cynical, so I can't say too much on this, but I feel as though the artsy aspect of this leaves much to be desired. The description is packed into too-large sentences. I find that, with the artsy technique, it works better if you elaborate on certain aspects, like the way the light shafts and ripples as it lightens the sickly boy's features. Some of the grammar could probably be reworked with a quick proofreading. If you're entering anything into a contest, my suggestion is to proofread the hell out of it, simply because a little thing like grammar can dash your chances. Using a lot of metaphors gives a oneshot a more musical sense and tugs at a reader's heartstrings.
Overall, though, the piece has a general sense of hard work and pride. I get the sense that you've worked hard on this, and you should be proud of anything you write. I do like the fact that you didn't end this with a happy ending. At first, I was dreading the end because he wakes up. I was like, "Seriously? Everyone does the happy ending deal where the comatose patient wakes up and lives happily ever after." So I'm glad that you didn't take that route.
This is all my opinion, though, so don't take it to heart. I review and give constructive criticism because I like the story.
ohsocyanide.
2ohsocyanideI can feel the attempts you made at creating an artsy piece. My work always comes off as awkward, if not bitter and cynical, so I can't say too much on this, but I feel as though the artsy aspect of this leaves much to be desired. The description is packed into too-large sentences. I find that, with the artsy technique, it works better if you elaborate on certain aspects, like the way the light shafts and ripples as it lightens the sickly boy's features. Some of the grammar could probably be reworked with a quick proofreading. If you're entering anything into a contest, my suggestion is to proofread the hell out of it, simply because a little thing like grammar can dash your chances. Using a lot of metaphors gives a oneshot a more musical sense and tugs at a reader's heartstrings.
Overall, though, the piece has a general sense of hard work and pride. I get the sense that you've worked hard on this, and you should be proud of anything you write. I do like the fact that you didn't end this with a happy ending. At first, I was dreading the end because he wakes up. I was like, "Seriously? Everyone does the happy ending deal where the comatose patient wakes up and lives happily ever after." So I'm glad that you didn't take that route.
This is all my opinion, though, so don't take it to heart. I review and give constructive criticism because I like the story.
ohsocyanide.
7/25/2012 c1 13JDFly
It didn't have the ending I was expecting. It was much better. Good short story! Let us know how you come out in the contest.
JD Fly
13JDFlyIt didn't have the ending I was expecting. It was much better. Good short story! Let us know how you come out in the contest.
JD Fly
7/8/2012 c1 Guest
creative. Wish u luck in the teenage writers competition
creative. Wish u luck in the teenage writers competition
6/8/2012 c1 Puer.Scriptor
That. Was. Amazing.
Honestly, it almost made me CRY at the end, and I don't cry. Absolutely beautiful and very well-written. I really do hope you win :')
That. Was. Amazing.
Honestly, it almost made me CRY at the end, and I don't cry. Absolutely beautiful and very well-written. I really do hope you win :')