Just In
for The Living Room

6/8/2012 c1 TankNLegs
I think tone was one of the things you set well in this story. Once I got to the very end of the story I felt nothing for what is supposed to be myself being rejected.

I thought you also used the second person well, the protagonist interacting with the reader is very rarely used and I think it makes the story even more interesting to read.

"Your living room is cold and empty and smells like a doctor office's waiting room"

Instead of the and before cold and empty you could use a comma, if so make sure to add a comma between empty and and as well.

I think adding a bit more back story into what they were like as friends might help out. I think it's a little unbelievable that they could be friends if the protagonist is so unreceptive to everything, and I think other readers would feel the same way.

All of this above was done for the Review Marathon which is a competition hosted by the Review Game forum. If you'd like to check out the Review Marathon and the Review Game there is a link to them in my profile. Good job with this piece.
6/8/2012 c1 2dragonflydreamer
I love the descriptions of this. They're not overdone, but they're vivid and create a very distinct tone of being unsettled and discontent.

[But sometimes some companionship is better than none. Sometimes a hug from anyone can make me feel whole and fulfilled.] Great lines. I don't know, they're definitely said often in writing, but I appreciate how blunt you are with it.

One edit I'd suggest: "doctor office's waiting room." It should be "doctor's office's," but that sound odd. Maybe "the waiting room of a doctor's office?"

All in all, a very well-written piece.

-Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)

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