for Hidden Intentions7/27/2017 c1 Guest
I think this was a really great story! I felt really interested in following all the characters. Sienna was my favourite I think because she was very believable - someone strong willed and determined but caught in a bad situation. I really felt for her. I also loved how some characters were seemingly separate in the story but then you threw in the twist that they were all actually connected. Brilliant story and very well written. Can't wait to see how it ends.
I think this was a really great story! I felt really interested in following all the characters. Sienna was my favourite I think because she was very believable - someone strong willed and determined but caught in a bad situation. I really felt for her. I also loved how some characters were seemingly separate in the story but then you threw in the twist that they were all actually connected. Brilliant story and very well written. Can't wait to see how it ends.
9/29/2012 c4 Nia Moone
I hate how FP won't let me double post reviews...
Here is a review for last chapter:
I know, I know I said I wasn't a big fan of poetry, but I can read it and I think that the rhythm in this line is off "From her grip, I'll never be able to break free." because it's got too many syllables. I'd change it to "never break free", omitting "be able to"
Didn't notice anything else, but I'm not perfect :P your style flows well
Still slightly confused with the plot, but I suppose I will have to read on for it to make sense eh? :)
Chapter 4!
So much foreshadowing! It really works for you :) It's making me interested...
Hehe, "clever clogs" Hehe, funny phrase
I hate how FP won't let me double post reviews...
Here is a review for last chapter:
I know, I know I said I wasn't a big fan of poetry, but I can read it and I think that the rhythm in this line is off "From her grip, I'll never be able to break free." because it's got too many syllables. I'd change it to "never break free", omitting "be able to"
Didn't notice anything else, but I'm not perfect :P your style flows well
Still slightly confused with the plot, but I suppose I will have to read on for it to make sense eh? :)
Chapter 4!
So much foreshadowing! It really works for you :) It's making me interested...
Hehe, "clever clogs" Hehe, funny phrase
9/27/2012 c3 Nia Moone
Uh yea, you know how I said I'd read more?
Not happening, the poetry is really, really turning me off...
Apologies, may your writing continue to go well for you :)
Uh yea, you know how I said I'd read more?
Not happening, the poetry is really, really turning me off...
Apologies, may your writing continue to go well for you :)
9/27/2012 c2 Nia Moone
Fucking, fuck. Sorry, hit post by mistake on your last chapter before I was finished and Fictionpress is retarded.
Anyway, continuing the review for the prologue...
"asked of me yet you don't" place a comma after "me" and before "yet"
"down these faces" it should be "this" and "face", unless there are multiple faces that said tears are running down...
Oh dear, I'm quite confused, yet intrigued... Is it like multiple personalities in one body, or has said person left their own body and are attacking it? Or am I heading in the wrong direction entirely?
Anyway, I'm quite interested, good work :)
CHAPTER 2:
"all kinda flips" to be correct, it should be "kind of", not "kinda" Side note: I'm not a big fan of poetry and didn't enjoy that one, it was a bit too corny for me...
"find yourself, infiltrated" remove the comma
"Four adventurous years later, his loud crazy best friend was now the love of his life. He couldn't ever imagine life without her anymore and was grateful that he hadn't let her slip away.
Blake and Sienna had been together for almost a month now, though at times it felt like they'd been together for a lifetime." Okay, that section is very confusing. First, you mentioned four years later that they're in love, yet they've only been dating a month? So it's now four years after high school and they've only just started dating, or was that just a glimpse into the future?
It' a bit cheesy, so I didn't really enjoy this, and I haven't really read hetero romance in a while, it's not really my thing...
But! I will persevere and hope I get used to it...
Fucking, fuck. Sorry, hit post by mistake on your last chapter before I was finished and Fictionpress is retarded.
Anyway, continuing the review for the prologue...
"asked of me yet you don't" place a comma after "me" and before "yet"
"down these faces" it should be "this" and "face", unless there are multiple faces that said tears are running down...
Oh dear, I'm quite confused, yet intrigued... Is it like multiple personalities in one body, or has said person left their own body and are attacking it? Or am I heading in the wrong direction entirely?
Anyway, I'm quite interested, good work :)
CHAPTER 2:
"all kinda flips" to be correct, it should be "kind of", not "kinda" Side note: I'm not a big fan of poetry and didn't enjoy that one, it was a bit too corny for me...
"find yourself, infiltrated" remove the comma
"Four adventurous years later, his loud crazy best friend was now the love of his life. He couldn't ever imagine life without her anymore and was grateful that he hadn't let her slip away.
Blake and Sienna had been together for almost a month now, though at times it felt like they'd been together for a lifetime." Okay, that section is very confusing. First, you mentioned four years later that they're in love, yet they've only been dating a month? So it's now four years after high school and they've only just started dating, or was that just a glimpse into the future?
It' a bit cheesy, so I didn't really enjoy this, and I haven't really read hetero romance in a while, it's not really my thing...
But! I will persevere and hope I get used to it...
9/27/2012 c1 Nia Moone
"hit by a truck with my heart" comma after "truck", before "with"
"Emotionally drained out", start the sentence with "so" and remove "out". Eg. "So emotionally drained that..."
"Least that's what" should have an apostrophe before "least", as you should be using "at least" in that context, so it should be " 'Least that's what... "
"to understand me or you just don't" should be a comma after "me", before "or"
"Actually do you know how" Rearrange the beginning of this sentence to "Do you actually know how..."
"tell you this, I'm not" replace the comma with a semi colon
"wouldn't let no harm" the use of "no" makes it a double negative, it should be "any", unless she's supposed to sound bogan?
"hit by a truck with my heart" comma after "truck", before "with"
"Emotionally drained out", start the sentence with "so" and remove "out". Eg. "So emotionally drained that..."
"Least that's what" should have an apostrophe before "least", as you should be using "at least" in that context, so it should be " 'Least that's what... "
"to understand me or you just don't" should be a comma after "me", before "or"
"Actually do you know how" Rearrange the beginning of this sentence to "Do you actually know how..."
"tell you this, I'm not" replace the comma with a semi colon
"wouldn't let no harm" the use of "no" makes it a double negative, it should be "any", unless she's supposed to sound bogan?