for The Shattered End of Hollow Canyon (formerly known as PedoCelia)1/13/2016 c64 Sick
Sick sick sick oh
Sick sick sick oh
4/30/2015 c58 Nick
Not the biggest fan of where this Celia stuff is going, seems like shes being led to being exploited again without knowing. In a perfect world Cody would of wrapped up his stuff with Tyrone and be back with Celia.
Not the biggest fan of where this Celia stuff is going, seems like shes being led to being exploited again without knowing. In a perfect world Cody would of wrapped up his stuff with Tyrone and be back with Celia.
4/24/2015 c57 Dano
Extremely well written. I stopped reading Stephen King's book because this was 10 times better (seriously). The quality is simply exceptional. You have the potential to become some kind of the best selling professional author. I can't believe it's 200K words already - felt more like 10k :)
Can't wait for more! Another 50 chapters would be great, haha.
Extremely well written. I stopped reading Stephen King's book because this was 10 times better (seriously). The quality is simply exceptional. You have the potential to become some kind of the best selling professional author. I can't believe it's 200K words already - felt more like 10k :)
Can't wait for more! Another 50 chapters would be great, haha.
2/18/2015 c55 Guest
This is the most amazing story I have ever read. Keep it up.
This is the most amazing story I have ever read. Keep it up.
7/15/2014 c31 
5Whirlymerle
Ch 28
I found the first scene to be really interesting. I thought the Avalynne's new boyfriend came off as sleazy in an authentic kind of way. His strange kindness to Celia (even if he might have used that to get a blowjob from her mother) was a nice touch.
I'm impressed with Cody's ability in a blink flip between thinking self righteously and acting with pedophilic abandon.
Perhaps it's intentional; I am definitely picking up on Cody's out of sync turmoil. For instance, he describes himself hoping that Celia's proposal that they go steady is a childish phase, then compares the kiss *he* initiated as an experience close to making love, with no apparent sense of inner conflict at all.
Ch 29
You mention boys splashing and girls dangling legs twice in the first scene.
[a shameless Fifty Shades knockoff without the vampires] I'm pretty sure Fifty Shades doesn't have vampires?
Ch 30
I could be wrong, but from my reading it feels like you don't know much about what goes on during high profile political meetings, so you skimmed over the details of the various countries dealing with their implicated representatives. However, Cody seems decently serious about his career, so this should mark a momentous occasion. That big names are mentioned in such a rushed manner makes the scene feel kind of strained and fake, in my opinion.
Would he really want a stuffed rabbit to keep him company?
Haha, I'm liking how you incorporate the bit with Fox News. I do think naming one of them Killjoy is a bit overkill though.
"the confidence of a million dollar home at the Jersey Shore" I like this line a lot, especially when thinking about how this confidence likely goes hand in hand with being a climate change skeptic, which is also consistent with more conservative views
Ch 31
It struck me that as terrible of a mother Avalynne is, she's actually demonstrating better motherly instincts by trying to keep Celia away from Cody. Even if Cody's feelings were perfectly platonic, it'd be pretty screwy for a mother to not care that her pubescent daughter is hanging out with a 30 year old man all the time. I think that's interesting.
I continue to like Graham as a character, as he continues to feel real.
Aren't calls to CPS recorded? What kind of rep would speak so unprofessionally? Since it's an emergency line, Sara might chide him for taking up CPS's resources and indirectly prevent them from helping real victims. Even if she's a newbie, I can't really believe she'd be whispering and talking sarcastically.
5WhirlymerleCh 28
I found the first scene to be really interesting. I thought the Avalynne's new boyfriend came off as sleazy in an authentic kind of way. His strange kindness to Celia (even if he might have used that to get a blowjob from her mother) was a nice touch.
I'm impressed with Cody's ability in a blink flip between thinking self righteously and acting with pedophilic abandon.
Perhaps it's intentional; I am definitely picking up on Cody's out of sync turmoil. For instance, he describes himself hoping that Celia's proposal that they go steady is a childish phase, then compares the kiss *he* initiated as an experience close to making love, with no apparent sense of inner conflict at all.
Ch 29
You mention boys splashing and girls dangling legs twice in the first scene.
[a shameless Fifty Shades knockoff without the vampires] I'm pretty sure Fifty Shades doesn't have vampires?
Ch 30
I could be wrong, but from my reading it feels like you don't know much about what goes on during high profile political meetings, so you skimmed over the details of the various countries dealing with their implicated representatives. However, Cody seems decently serious about his career, so this should mark a momentous occasion. That big names are mentioned in such a rushed manner makes the scene feel kind of strained and fake, in my opinion.
Would he really want a stuffed rabbit to keep him company?
Haha, I'm liking how you incorporate the bit with Fox News. I do think naming one of them Killjoy is a bit overkill though.
"the confidence of a million dollar home at the Jersey Shore" I like this line a lot, especially when thinking about how this confidence likely goes hand in hand with being a climate change skeptic, which is also consistent with more conservative views
Ch 31
It struck me that as terrible of a mother Avalynne is, she's actually demonstrating better motherly instincts by trying to keep Celia away from Cody. Even if Cody's feelings were perfectly platonic, it'd be pretty screwy for a mother to not care that her pubescent daughter is hanging out with a 30 year old man all the time. I think that's interesting.
I continue to like Graham as a character, as he continues to feel real.
Aren't calls to CPS recorded? What kind of rep would speak so unprofessionally? Since it's an emergency line, Sara might chide him for taking up CPS's resources and indirectly prevent them from helping real victims. Even if she's a newbie, I can't really believe she'd be whispering and talking sarcastically.
6/4/2014 c52 Nick
Thanks for the reply and clearing some things up but I noticed something on regards to the computer and felt that was wrong so I went back and checked, on chapter 33 it refers to it as the mother's computer, or is that just a plothole? Or should I be ignoring that and graham was just using his computer, it just happened to be in the same room as her mothers computer
Thanks for the reply and clearing some things up but I noticed something on regards to the computer and felt that was wrong so I went back and checked, on chapter 33 it refers to it as the mother's computer, or is that just a plothole? Or should I be ignoring that and graham was just using his computer, it just happened to be in the same room as her mothers computer
5/30/2014 c51 Nick
Good story, but I feel like the Tyrone story is dragging a little. We know cody wants to expose this guy, he has basically seen enough to perhaps get a warrant on the place. Let's not forget if he spoke to Celica a bit more, he may learn what she was shown on that computer, and the history may still be there and has all the proof he needs.
He firstly though, needs to terminate that contract. He doesn't need it, and the longer his with it the worse it will be for him.
Good story, but I feel like the Tyrone story is dragging a little. We know cody wants to expose this guy, he has basically seen enough to perhaps get a warrant on the place. Let's not forget if he spoke to Celica a bit more, he may learn what she was shown on that computer, and the history may still be there and has all the proof he needs.
He firstly though, needs to terminate that contract. He doesn't need it, and the longer his with it the worse it will be for him.
5/25/2014 c27 Whirlymerle
I like the details with Mr. Snuffles throughout the chapters. Like Celia leaving him for Cody when she thought he was mad at her, and later when she kills the cat that killed the rabbit. I like how fantasy meets reality in rabbits in these few chapters. And I thought his presence brought out the endearing and disturbing aspects of Celia at once (perhaps I’m just partial to cats).
Ch 25
[DaVinci Code's virginal, vaginal chalice] I don't like the allusion. I think it’s a bit over the top. Especially since you're going on a Disney princess metaphor here, throwing in Dan Brown is a little random.
[velvety skin was soft and nimble] how can skin *feel* nimble to the touch?
I really, really like the line about Dee looking like a librarian, it was simple, but the imagery was fantastic.
I'm pretty sure the plural of geisha is just geisha, without an "S." Also, I thought modern geisha (the legit ones) are all about preserving traditional Japanese culture? Why are they training them in Cambodia? And moreover, why are training geisha with sex slaves?
And the plot thickens! So Dee’s husband is involved in the business? I like this twist a lot.
I do want to comment on characterization a bit. I think your characters are all very consistent, and that’s really impressive. I do think that quite a few of them tend to be over-exaggerated that they become caricatures of the people they could be in real life.
Marilee complaining about not getting attention for her surgery comes to mind. I have to ask, are people really that insane? I mean, okay, the first time was kind of funny. But ending the scene with her question, like she has nothing more interesting to say, just made her feel very one dimensional, as if she’s existing to provide comedic relief.
I appreciate Cody as a character, and really dislike him as the kind of person he is. I winced at the comment about Celia wanting to experience romance, wanted to smack him when he got confident about being able to locate one house through Google Maps because there can’t be too many like it in Cambodia (aren’t many needles in a haystack either, doesn’t make it easy to find), and throughout these chapters in particular, generally cringed through all his ignorance and judgmental attitude and melodrama. But I personally also don’t react this strongly to a character in most other stories, so again, consistency in character good.
I do think Nolan and Dee are more subtle, and have high hopes they can balance out the overemotional characters a bit.
I like the details with Mr. Snuffles throughout the chapters. Like Celia leaving him for Cody when she thought he was mad at her, and later when she kills the cat that killed the rabbit. I like how fantasy meets reality in rabbits in these few chapters. And I thought his presence brought out the endearing and disturbing aspects of Celia at once (perhaps I’m just partial to cats).
Ch 25
[DaVinci Code's virginal, vaginal chalice] I don't like the allusion. I think it’s a bit over the top. Especially since you're going on a Disney princess metaphor here, throwing in Dan Brown is a little random.
[velvety skin was soft and nimble] how can skin *feel* nimble to the touch?
I really, really like the line about Dee looking like a librarian, it was simple, but the imagery was fantastic.
I'm pretty sure the plural of geisha is just geisha, without an "S." Also, I thought modern geisha (the legit ones) are all about preserving traditional Japanese culture? Why are they training them in Cambodia? And moreover, why are training geisha with sex slaves?
And the plot thickens! So Dee’s husband is involved in the business? I like this twist a lot.
I do want to comment on characterization a bit. I think your characters are all very consistent, and that’s really impressive. I do think that quite a few of them tend to be over-exaggerated that they become caricatures of the people they could be in real life.
Marilee complaining about not getting attention for her surgery comes to mind. I have to ask, are people really that insane? I mean, okay, the first time was kind of funny. But ending the scene with her question, like she has nothing more interesting to say, just made her feel very one dimensional, as if she’s existing to provide comedic relief.
I appreciate Cody as a character, and really dislike him as the kind of person he is. I winced at the comment about Celia wanting to experience romance, wanted to smack him when he got confident about being able to locate one house through Google Maps because there can’t be too many like it in Cambodia (aren’t many needles in a haystack either, doesn’t make it easy to find), and throughout these chapters in particular, generally cringed through all his ignorance and judgmental attitude and melodrama. But I personally also don’t react this strongly to a character in most other stories, so again, consistency in character good.
I do think Nolan and Dee are more subtle, and have high hopes they can balance out the overemotional characters a bit.
5/18/2014 c23 Whirlymerle
Sorry for the delay! You’re last review caught me in the middle of finals week. My head’s still a bit mushy right now, so I apologize in advance if my review isn’t up to par.
Err… did Columbia ever have an undergrad journalism major? I know they don’t currently. When Cody was introduced as a graduate of their School of Journalism in the first chapter, I’d thought that he got his masters (or whatever grad level degree) there. Only the College and SEAS grant undergrad degrees, I think. Also, if he was eighteen, he was a freshman, right? I’m pretty sure all the Ivies have their students officially declare their majors second semester sophomore year, so he wouldn’t need to go to the registrar to change his major (but of course, these policies might not have been in place back when Cody was in college).
I like the scene with Nolan and Isaac. I like how you portray Isaac’s childish disregard for the potential danger he could be in, in contrast to Nolan’s worries.
The film shooting scene with Tyrone Guy was uncomfortable as usual. In a very good way. I like how Payden stood up to Tyrone Guy; good character progress right thre. I’m honestly surprised that Guy let it go that easily, then again, I remember that he’s in front of film crew and other “non-cult” members, so it probably makes sense that he’s act as the patient director.
I like the scene with the glimpse into Celia’s home life. She’s seen a lot, and as a result, she’s a really delicate balance of instability and forced maturity, and I think you set up the scene where she loses it in the classroom really well.
I do wonder- is the first scene in chapter 23 necessary? It was really really long, and while there were some interesting developments, overall, it seemed like a repeat of what we already know/can infer.
One thing I thought of that I want to applaud you for is the racial diversity of your cast. That mostly extends to the girls in Cody’s life that he’s sexually attracted to, but it’s still nice in an on-the-surface kind of way to have a diverse cast.
Sorry for the delay! You’re last review caught me in the middle of finals week. My head’s still a bit mushy right now, so I apologize in advance if my review isn’t up to par.
Err… did Columbia ever have an undergrad journalism major? I know they don’t currently. When Cody was introduced as a graduate of their School of Journalism in the first chapter, I’d thought that he got his masters (or whatever grad level degree) there. Only the College and SEAS grant undergrad degrees, I think. Also, if he was eighteen, he was a freshman, right? I’m pretty sure all the Ivies have their students officially declare their majors second semester sophomore year, so he wouldn’t need to go to the registrar to change his major (but of course, these policies might not have been in place back when Cody was in college).
I like the scene with Nolan and Isaac. I like how you portray Isaac’s childish disregard for the potential danger he could be in, in contrast to Nolan’s worries.
The film shooting scene with Tyrone Guy was uncomfortable as usual. In a very good way. I like how Payden stood up to Tyrone Guy; good character progress right thre. I’m honestly surprised that Guy let it go that easily, then again, I remember that he’s in front of film crew and other “non-cult” members, so it probably makes sense that he’s act as the patient director.
I like the scene with the glimpse into Celia’s home life. She’s seen a lot, and as a result, she’s a really delicate balance of instability and forced maturity, and I think you set up the scene where she loses it in the classroom really well.
I do wonder- is the first scene in chapter 23 necessary? It was really really long, and while there were some interesting developments, overall, it seemed like a repeat of what we already know/can infer.
One thing I thought of that I want to applaud you for is the racial diversity of your cast. That mostly extends to the girls in Cody’s life that he’s sexually attracted to, but it’s still nice in an on-the-surface kind of way to have a diverse cast.
5/2/2014 c19 Whirlymerle
Hey great timing! I was just wrapping up my review as you reviewed me.
And ah, okay. I see Cody addressed some of my concerns to Tyrone Guy. I like the interview, and heated dialogue between them, with Guy always having the upper hand. At the same time, I wonder if it could be abbreviated just a little bit. I thought it went on for longer than needed, especially since you had kid interviews. A neat detail, I thought, was how Cody’s constantly comparing Angelika to Celia. Very true to his character.
One piece of dialogue I wanted to address was Cody’s analogy about how homosexuality is to pedophilia as recreational hunters is to serial killers. I know it’s dialogue, and but I felt it was poorly put. I feel like serial killing is the extreme form of recreational hunting, and by analogy, Cody would be insinuating that pedophilia is the extreme form of homosexuality. Which I recognize might be some people’s opinion, but I don’t think it reflects positively on Cody’s character, and this scene might be a place where you want to portray him positively.
Cody’s persistent internal dialogue about what’s right and wrong interested me. I get the sense he’s trying to compensate for his guilty affections by always evaluating things based on their right or wrongness.
Hey great timing! I was just wrapping up my review as you reviewed me.
And ah, okay. I see Cody addressed some of my concerns to Tyrone Guy. I like the interview, and heated dialogue between them, with Guy always having the upper hand. At the same time, I wonder if it could be abbreviated just a little bit. I thought it went on for longer than needed, especially since you had kid interviews. A neat detail, I thought, was how Cody’s constantly comparing Angelika to Celia. Very true to his character.
One piece of dialogue I wanted to address was Cody’s analogy about how homosexuality is to pedophilia as recreational hunters is to serial killers. I know it’s dialogue, and but I felt it was poorly put. I feel like serial killing is the extreme form of recreational hunting, and by analogy, Cody would be insinuating that pedophilia is the extreme form of homosexuality. Which I recognize might be some people’s opinion, but I don’t think it reflects positively on Cody’s character, and this scene might be a place where you want to portray him positively.
Cody’s persistent internal dialogue about what’s right and wrong interested me. I get the sense he’s trying to compensate for his guilty affections by always evaluating things based on their right or wrongness.
5/2/2014 c15 Whirlymerle
I think I’m most fascinated by the psychological aspect of your story. From Cody getting “energized” after fucking Ling to the reactions Tyrone Guy seems to have conditioned in his “children” when they use his name in vain.
So on Cody’s end, I was interested in how he’s definitely intending to help Ling and others, but can’t seem to be able to resist his attachment to…not sure what the most apt word here—child sexuality? Like when he eggs Celia on about what she’d do to Kris or Payden if she met him. I like that there’s this duality within him. I think everyone secretly or not so secretly fails social standards in some way, and his case reflects that at more of an extreme end.
Not that I know much about it, but I imagine Tyrone Guy’s house to be something like Michael Jackson’s Neverland. The dance studio is totally creepy. I was going to say that Guy’s spiel on exploring emotions through dance felt pretty on par with a lot of modern/experimental dance, but then it just spiraled to a new level of disturbing with the insults and everyone dropping to their knees to become worms. Actually, that’s probably one of the most memorably creepy scenes I’ve read anywhere, so kudos to you on that. I feel like Angelika was over optimistic with the caterpillar analogy; some are caterpillars that turn to butterflies, but others are earthworms and eat dirt for the entirety of their lives.
My main critique in these chapters is that I feel like your sexed up media comes across a bit too over the top. With Celia's Kris poster, for example—maybe I'm underestimating Celia's capabilities, but I'm imagining that Celia got the poster from some general store. If Hal’s House is so popular, shouldn’t some committee of concerned parents have complained about child pornography by now? Even if Tyrone Guy’s rich and powerful, that makes him a bigger target, I think. Likewise with the Morning Catastrophe, I feel like radio hosts would have cut to commercials a lot sooner. That said, I’m embarrassingly ignorant of pop culture and media. If there are real life examples of big names getting away with selling borderline child pornography and extreme radio shows, by all means let me know.
I think I’m most fascinated by the psychological aspect of your story. From Cody getting “energized” after fucking Ling to the reactions Tyrone Guy seems to have conditioned in his “children” when they use his name in vain.
So on Cody’s end, I was interested in how he’s definitely intending to help Ling and others, but can’t seem to be able to resist his attachment to…not sure what the most apt word here—child sexuality? Like when he eggs Celia on about what she’d do to Kris or Payden if she met him. I like that there’s this duality within him. I think everyone secretly or not so secretly fails social standards in some way, and his case reflects that at more of an extreme end.
Not that I know much about it, but I imagine Tyrone Guy’s house to be something like Michael Jackson’s Neverland. The dance studio is totally creepy. I was going to say that Guy’s spiel on exploring emotions through dance felt pretty on par with a lot of modern/experimental dance, but then it just spiraled to a new level of disturbing with the insults and everyone dropping to their knees to become worms. Actually, that’s probably one of the most memorably creepy scenes I’ve read anywhere, so kudos to you on that. I feel like Angelika was over optimistic with the caterpillar analogy; some are caterpillars that turn to butterflies, but others are earthworms and eat dirt for the entirety of their lives.
My main critique in these chapters is that I feel like your sexed up media comes across a bit too over the top. With Celia's Kris poster, for example—maybe I'm underestimating Celia's capabilities, but I'm imagining that Celia got the poster from some general store. If Hal’s House is so popular, shouldn’t some committee of concerned parents have complained about child pornography by now? Even if Tyrone Guy’s rich and powerful, that makes him a bigger target, I think. Likewise with the Morning Catastrophe, I feel like radio hosts would have cut to commercials a lot sooner. That said, I’m embarrassingly ignorant of pop culture and media. If there are real life examples of big names getting away with selling borderline child pornography and extreme radio shows, by all means let me know.
4/4/2014 c1 CryptikDeep
Hey, I have only had a few spare moments recently to check out "The Shattered End of Hollow Canyon". Read a few chapters in random places as I have been short on time recently.
The story is very unique and interesting to say the least; how the character's are portrayed (Especially Cody, Celia and their relationship) make me connect and relate on a deep, emotional level even though their conflicts (at least Cody's) are otherwise a totally different nature to say (for example) my conflicts - which is the mark of a skilled writer. Your a gem just waiting to be discovered.
Your characters are unique, different and interesting; each I find myself loving, hating or credulously, but suspiciously understanding. The story is definitely bleak, sad, grey, blissful, colorful, heart-warming and bittersweet.
I also love the overarching progression in the plot and development of characters from said events. As they flip from this father and daughter figure to a seemingly romantic relationship (to put in layman's terms) As you've managed to root Cody and Celia so well into their existence I find myself rooting for a CodyxCelia relationship than anything else but subconsciously a knowing that gnaws at you (knowing it wouldn't bode well for them and society if this relationship came to be) creating this "Edge-of-Your-Seat" tension all the while reading. (But who knows? The relationship could happen, my - how that would fair up is interesting. . .)
Syntax is varied and there is variation in sentence length. Tense could use a bit of work as it switches from past to present and in-reversal in awkward manners. Grammar and spelling require a proofread from time to time, punctuation is used well but not as often as could be effective.
Overall, outstanding literary talents!
Hey, I have only had a few spare moments recently to check out "The Shattered End of Hollow Canyon". Read a few chapters in random places as I have been short on time recently.
The story is very unique and interesting to say the least; how the character's are portrayed (Especially Cody, Celia and their relationship) make me connect and relate on a deep, emotional level even though their conflicts (at least Cody's) are otherwise a totally different nature to say (for example) my conflicts - which is the mark of a skilled writer. Your a gem just waiting to be discovered.
Your characters are unique, different and interesting; each I find myself loving, hating or credulously, but suspiciously understanding. The story is definitely bleak, sad, grey, blissful, colorful, heart-warming and bittersweet.
I also love the overarching progression in the plot and development of characters from said events. As they flip from this father and daughter figure to a seemingly romantic relationship (to put in layman's terms) As you've managed to root Cody and Celia so well into their existence I find myself rooting for a CodyxCelia relationship than anything else but subconsciously a knowing that gnaws at you (knowing it wouldn't bode well for them and society if this relationship came to be) creating this "Edge-of-Your-Seat" tension all the while reading. (But who knows? The relationship could happen, my - how that would fair up is interesting. . .)
Syntax is varied and there is variation in sentence length. Tense could use a bit of work as it switches from past to present and in-reversal in awkward manners. Grammar and spelling require a proofread from time to time, punctuation is used well but not as often as could be effective.
Overall, outstanding literary talents!
12/16/2013 c11 Whirlymerle
Sorry it took so long for me to return this review. Your last review caught me in the midst of exams period. But now I’ll be on break for a while!
Gotta admit, I snorted when Cody referred to his actions as firing another shot for independence. I’m with him on Machiavellian self deception. Except, Cody claiming to do something Machiavellian is kind of an insult to Machiavelli. Admittedly, I’m no expert, but I always thought, rather than self-deception, the acceptance of the end as a justification of the means in the Prince was the more realistic/pragmatic response to classic Greek philosophy. Regardless, I find it interesting how ironic this idea plays out, because Cody, though oh so aware about Washington and Machiavelli, is the only one who actually deceives himself when he believes he won’t let his dick get in his way. He clearly did not reach his end (in this chapter).
[shattered boundary from which he might never return] ah yes, reference to the film?
I like how melodramatic Cody’s narration is. It seems to fit his personality well. The line about how the credit card placard gave off an air of reputability while there’s “predatory spiders” in the corners of the room makes me think that he’s already planning the opening of his article.
[Young Geisha girls catered to your every need] Wow. I don’t even know what to say. This guy supposedly went to a top journalism school?
The massage leading to sex scene was really well done. The tension and inner turmoil Cody feels was palpable.
I like your characterization of Ling. I really like the way she’s so short and to the point with her words, to indicate that she’s pretty much all business.
As for Cody… He’s definitely a unique and interesting character. And this chapter. I have so little respect for him at this point, I can’t even… ugh. I get that sex is appealing. That sex with a young, attractive Asian girl is appealing. But man, this guy has the self control of an addict.
Sorry it took so long for me to return this review. Your last review caught me in the midst of exams period. But now I’ll be on break for a while!
Gotta admit, I snorted when Cody referred to his actions as firing another shot for independence. I’m with him on Machiavellian self deception. Except, Cody claiming to do something Machiavellian is kind of an insult to Machiavelli. Admittedly, I’m no expert, but I always thought, rather than self-deception, the acceptance of the end as a justification of the means in the Prince was the more realistic/pragmatic response to classic Greek philosophy. Regardless, I find it interesting how ironic this idea plays out, because Cody, though oh so aware about Washington and Machiavelli, is the only one who actually deceives himself when he believes he won’t let his dick get in his way. He clearly did not reach his end (in this chapter).
[shattered boundary from which he might never return] ah yes, reference to the film?
I like how melodramatic Cody’s narration is. It seems to fit his personality well. The line about how the credit card placard gave off an air of reputability while there’s “predatory spiders” in the corners of the room makes me think that he’s already planning the opening of his article.
[Young Geisha girls catered to your every need] Wow. I don’t even know what to say. This guy supposedly went to a top journalism school?
The massage leading to sex scene was really well done. The tension and inner turmoil Cody feels was palpable.
I like your characterization of Ling. I really like the way she’s so short and to the point with her words, to indicate that she’s pretty much all business.
As for Cody… He’s definitely a unique and interesting character. And this chapter. I have so little respect for him at this point, I can’t even… ugh. I get that sex is appealing. That sex with a young, attractive Asian girl is appealing. But man, this guy has the self control of an addict.
12/2/2013 c10 Whirlymerle
[he editor said] the editor? his editor?
[If the problem is authentic, then it must be verifiable. The battle can't be won with words and statistics.] I think the sentence should be in past tense, to be consistent with the third person past tense narration.
[As a second generation Hungarian immigrant, Marlena grew up in the type of foreign enclave sprinkled throughout New Jersey… the accent remained.] What kind of education did Marlena receive? School, I believe, is a great accent banisher. I have first generation friends who grew up in Chinatown and Hispanic communities of New York and LA who speak English without a trace of accent.
[People are so accepting now. You wouldn't have to hide] Oh snap! Did not see that coming. I had to look up Jim McGreevy, but I love Nolan’s line of thought about his children. I also like how in retrospect at the end of the chapter, his sense of morality is so questionable considering what he does with those children.
Interesting that Donnie’s away so much and Dee is comfortable enough with Cody to caress his back. Sexual tension indeed. Though, given that it’s Cody’s pov, I wonder how much of it is in his head.
[Heavy guys can be stronger than you expect.] should be “could,” I think. Also, I’m personally not a big fan of the switch to second person, again, because of the inconsistency with the rest of the narration.
[Nolan pulled up his underwear…Nolan bit down on his tongue, hard, while he yanked the kid's underwear the rest of the way …Nolan gently pulled his underwear up all of the way] I’m a bit surprised there is so much “way” from the boy’s underwear to his hips.
All in all, Nolan’s scenes were really well done and kept me hooked in a sick sort of way throughout this chapter. I like this insight into his character. It was surprising, but the way he acted also made perfect sense when considering his rather crude commentary about how Cody can do whatever to Jasmine to gain her trust in the first chapter. I think you did a great job in creating conflicted feelings. On one hand, he did punish a bad guy, though probably for his own therapeutic effect. But at the same time, I was thinking, who the fuck “helps” someone by pulling up their underwear and groping their genitals? It was just so incredibly uncomfortable, but I really enjoy how you push his character.
[he editor said] the editor? his editor?
[If the problem is authentic, then it must be verifiable. The battle can't be won with words and statistics.] I think the sentence should be in past tense, to be consistent with the third person past tense narration.
[As a second generation Hungarian immigrant, Marlena grew up in the type of foreign enclave sprinkled throughout New Jersey… the accent remained.] What kind of education did Marlena receive? School, I believe, is a great accent banisher. I have first generation friends who grew up in Chinatown and Hispanic communities of New York and LA who speak English without a trace of accent.
[People are so accepting now. You wouldn't have to hide] Oh snap! Did not see that coming. I had to look up Jim McGreevy, but I love Nolan’s line of thought about his children. I also like how in retrospect at the end of the chapter, his sense of morality is so questionable considering what he does with those children.
Interesting that Donnie’s away so much and Dee is comfortable enough with Cody to caress his back. Sexual tension indeed. Though, given that it’s Cody’s pov, I wonder how much of it is in his head.
[Heavy guys can be stronger than you expect.] should be “could,” I think. Also, I’m personally not a big fan of the switch to second person, again, because of the inconsistency with the rest of the narration.
[Nolan pulled up his underwear…Nolan bit down on his tongue, hard, while he yanked the kid's underwear the rest of the way …Nolan gently pulled his underwear up all of the way] I’m a bit surprised there is so much “way” from the boy’s underwear to his hips.
All in all, Nolan’s scenes were really well done and kept me hooked in a sick sort of way throughout this chapter. I like this insight into his character. It was surprising, but the way he acted also made perfect sense when considering his rather crude commentary about how Cody can do whatever to Jasmine to gain her trust in the first chapter. I think you did a great job in creating conflicted feelings. On one hand, he did punish a bad guy, though probably for his own therapeutic effect. But at the same time, I was thinking, who the fuck “helps” someone by pulling up their underwear and groping their genitals? It was just so incredibly uncomfortable, but I really enjoy how you push his character.