for Dark Pawn12/30/2012 c20 geekman9097
great book. i hope to continue to follow it until its completion. may the dark and light trios unite just once and watch over you, keep you safe, and guide your hand until the book is complete.
great book. i hope to continue to follow it until its completion. may the dark and light trios unite just once and watch over you, keep you safe, and guide your hand until the book is complete.
12/18/2012 c1 ho ho ho
Nice opening. Had a good hook, and the interjection to the story at that moment was done very well. I did expect the dialog to be a bit more formal, but I guess it can be ignored when in battle. The ending was good as well. Overall a really good story start here.
Nice opening. Had a good hook, and the interjection to the story at that moment was done very well. I did expect the dialog to be a bit more formal, but I guess it can be ignored when in battle. The ending was good as well. Overall a really good story start here.
12/16/2012 c1 SANTA'S HERE
HO HO HO! TIS I, SANTA, AND I COME WITH REVIEWS! :D Have you been naughty, or have you been nice? WE'LL NEVER KNOW!
Now onto the review.
[The image would be forever seared into Claudia's mind.] This is a great opening. You instantly hook the readers with this, making them question what 'image' and how horrible is this 'image' for searing this character's mind? It makes us wanna to answer these questions and therefore, continue reading. :D
[They moved with inhuman speed, or glowed with unholy light]
I would suggest changing the 'or' to 'and.' I think 'and' would improve this sentence, because otherwise it sounds like your uncertain with the description. 'and' is more reassuring.
You have good diction and imagery, you really do. :) And I liked your level/usage of imagery because it allowed me to picture out this dramatic war going on.
The only thing I have a problem with his how many characters, human and inhuman as well as fleets/armies, are being introduced all at once. It just feels like all of these characters are being forced onto the reader at once, and then plopped down into a war. I think if you added...backstory/charcter description/ something that will make each character their own, will help a lot and make this setting clearer.
Besides that, Santa thinks you have a good story. Keep up the good work!
HO HO HO! TIS I, SANTA, AND I COME WITH REVIEWS! :D Have you been naughty, or have you been nice? WE'LL NEVER KNOW!
Now onto the review.
[The image would be forever seared into Claudia's mind.] This is a great opening. You instantly hook the readers with this, making them question what 'image' and how horrible is this 'image' for searing this character's mind? It makes us wanna to answer these questions and therefore, continue reading. :D
[They moved with inhuman speed, or glowed with unholy light]
I would suggest changing the 'or' to 'and.' I think 'and' would improve this sentence, because otherwise it sounds like your uncertain with the description. 'and' is more reassuring.
You have good diction and imagery, you really do. :) And I liked your level/usage of imagery because it allowed me to picture out this dramatic war going on.
The only thing I have a problem with his how many characters, human and inhuman as well as fleets/armies, are being introduced all at once. It just feels like all of these characters are being forced onto the reader at once, and then plopped down into a war. I think if you added...backstory/charcter description/ something that will make each character their own, will help a lot and make this setting clearer.
Besides that, Santa thinks you have a good story. Keep up the good work!
7/8/2012 c4 
14romaniac
This is romaniac.I think this stoy is epic!Your attention to deatail was incredible.I liked the bit about the presence in the smoke of the dying lord.
14romaniacThis is romaniac.I think this stoy is epic!Your attention to deatail was incredible.I liked the bit about the presence in the smoke of the dying lord.
6/16/2012 c1 6UNDERLANDERfromtheOVERLAND
The writing, as always, is simply marvelous. Somehow, you manage to convey the chaos of battle but still make the words flow together in a way that almost sings through the screen. I envy your skills. I saw only two things that could be stronger in this chapter. You provide no timeline for the battle. How long did it take? How long was Claudia asleep? I hope you'll clear this up in future updates. Also, you dropped a large amount of names on us at once, and it made it a bit harder to follow through some parts. Maybe you could take out the names of people who aren't essential to the chapter and give them later, when they become needed.
6UNDERLANDERfromtheOVERLANDThe writing, as always, is simply marvelous. Somehow, you manage to convey the chaos of battle but still make the words flow together in a way that almost sings through the screen. I envy your skills. I saw only two things that could be stronger in this chapter. You provide no timeline for the battle. How long did it take? How long was Claudia asleep? I hope you'll clear this up in future updates. Also, you dropped a large amount of names on us at once, and it made it a bit harder to follow through some parts. Maybe you could take out the names of people who aren't essential to the chapter and give them later, when they become needed.