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for The Baker and the Accountant

9/21/2012 c1 4whatthegreencarrot
["So why did you want to go to the student council's room?" the tall guy said standing behind me blocking the doorway. The ceramic bowl in my hands slipped a little. Were my hands shaking?] there should be a comma after "said," I think.

Oh, your laptop went weird? I think that you can post stories on mobile, it's what I always do. They've got a copy/paste method now, so I just update on my iTouch.
9/8/2012 c4 6deadkitty1
Jane must be enjoying this. hehe

Aw. I hope you're feeling better and the chapter was really funny considering he's faced with seeing the love of his life with another guy. A few grammar mistakes like 'le' when it's supposed to be 'me.' And 'Jae' when it's supposed to be 'Jane.' It's minor.
8/12/2012 c3 deadkitty1
Uh-oh! Trouble... Jackson has competition

Wow! I just re-read your chapters and even if it's the same plot, it's like a completely new story! I don't know how to react to it! I'm usually more fond of originals so forgive me if I'm not used to the changes right away. I do like the dialogue and the personalities of the characters coming out. It's unexpected since I had a different view of them in my head. I think Jackson's POV is awesome and funny! He must have been fun to write.
8/2/2012 c4 Guest
ooo jealousy! i like it!
7/13/2012 c3 4courtnestle
tis be good.
7/9/2012 c2 6deadkitty1
Hmm. The chapter is good. I think it can improve though. And if you're disappointed with the first chapter, you can always go back and re-write it.

The guy's POV needed... I guess more guy? hehe Or maybe a different personality on seeing things. Right now it seems no different from the girl's POV except they see differently. Add some feeling & personality. Yes, we know about the social hierarchy in the school as being nonexistent but people still talk about others. He must have gotten some information on her other than being aloof on guys. Also you can stay on an emotion before moving on the next scene. He's mad and jealous when he found out his bestfriend likes the girl he likes. Did he ignore his bestfriend, girlfriend, & the baker for some time? Did he blow up or acted mad at the people around him all of a sudden? Did he question the baker about her opinion on loving somebody that isn't him?

I hope this helps. Just my opinion anyway. :)

PS Jane's an angel.
7/8/2012 c2 4courtnestle
Jesus. You are fantastic writer. i like this chapter. I really like it. yeah.
7/7/2012 c1 6deadkitty1
It feels unfinished and I would have liked to know about Jane or even about the friend's relationship even if it might be painful for the protagonist to think about. Everyone has one-sided love and although her love can never be returned, I'm sure she still has a smile on her face every time he comes into her bakery.
6/16/2012 c1 4courtnestle
I like this introduction, can't wait for more. Maybe check out my stories?

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