Just In
for Anger

9/21/2012 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
RHYTHM: Despite the poems length (very short) I feel like it had a really good rhythm to it. While reading I could see/feel the ebb and flow of it. The one thing I didn’t care for was the continued usage of “Why do you do it?” I feel like using three times as an opening to your stanza didn’t add any strength to the piece. Normally when you use repetitive techniques they need to add strength to the work, but I feel in this instance it actually ways it down.

TECHNICAL ASPECTS: I did like how structured the piece was, I think it added a rigid aspect to the narration which worked really well as a counterbalance to the emotion of the piece. I feel like the plight of the narrator was very pleading and desperate but the structure kept the voice restrained, it gave me a sense that even though they were trying to stop and change things ultimately they could not.

TONE: As I said above, a liked the tone and nature of the piece. Although I think would have liked to see more “anger” in the voice as the title suggests. When I read it the strongest emotion that I got from that was “desperation” rather than anger. I kind of wish you had let loose on this topic and utilized free style, but at the same time I did like that it was confined. Most people wouldn’t be able to maintain that within a classical structure such as this.

OTHER: I do feel that the piece was very short. I don’t believe that there is such a thing as a standard poem length, I feel like the poem should finish when it needs to. Emily Dickenson used three lines, Allen Ginsberg used 10 pages, it just depends on what needs to be said and how you say it, but I feel like in this case you could have said more. I feel like if you had dropped the second two “Why do you do it?’s” and even just changed those two lines to something else it would make it all the more stronger.

Congrats on winning WCC.

Much love,
7/15/2012 c2 76The Autumn Queen
Considering this is a collection (or a mini-collection in any case), it's good to see you've followed through with the ?,,. pattern. It not only links back to the earlier poem on Anger but also highlights a certain coldness that comes with revenge. In fact, your entire structure reinforces that, particularly the repetition of that first question in each of the three stanzas.

Again, one rhyme stands out from the rest in a somewhat jarring manner. While end and revenge don't technically rhyme, it's passable as far as flow and sound goes, but far/war, while spelt similar, are pronounced (with the Australian accent anyway) in two different ways, so it's a little jarring. I wonder if it's on purpose now, since it was the first and the last respectively in the two poems, but it does make the lines stand as a bit of a stumbling block, so perhaps it wasn't all that successful in that case.

Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
7/15/2012 c1 The Autumn Queen
I love the structure. I didn't realise it initially, but your punctuation plays a larger role in that structure than what I normally see, having that ?,,. pattern repeating itself. Funny how the topic itself contradicts the firm hold on words you've maintained.

I couldn't help but notice though that your first stanza doesn't contain the psuedo-rhymes your second and third stanzas too. The last line particularly stands out due to that fact. way/state, way/prey and cry/die. Perhaps changing or rewording the line with "way" would help though; you probably don't want to be repeating the way twice if it's a part of the rhymes.

Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)

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