for Transformation6/25/2012 c1 
76The Autumn Queen
Interesting start. For three lines of dialogue, it certainly revealed quite a bit, both about the unnamed girl's relationship with her mother and her own character. On top of that, you've stayed within the typical realm where I can relate to the female character and the feeling where parents start seeming a little...selfish I guess. Especially when they reach late teens/early adulthood I guess. But it's a very relateable start, and thus attention grabbing in that way. I'm sorry; I've suddenly forgotten how to spell relateable, and the spell-check's no help.
I also like the description you put into the dream-scape, especially in comparison to the "real" world. It highlights the significance of the scene while painting a pretty, calming image in juxtaposition with the reality we barely got a glimpse at. It's also interesting how you relied almost solely on dialogue in the "real" setting and anything but in the dream-scape.
I feel the line [And she was never the same again.] is a little redundant in context, particularly as it's followed by the dream-scape. It would have worked, albeit as a cliched ending, if you'd cut the - judging from the length, I'm more inclined to think of this as a prologue as opposed to a full-length chapter, but in any case - prologue at that point and included the dream in the next "chapter". However, then the length may cause you a problem. You could have perhaps included a little more of a rant, monologue sort, which would introduce the character a little more. Perhaps the typical staring at the mirror scene that would give us a hint to her reflection before it vanishes in the pool. Then you could cut the "chapter" off at that point. Elsewise, perhaps you will consider rephrasing that line. It sounds a little like an ending, so the fact that more text comes after it is a little unhinging...as far as reading goes.
Just a note on your summary - it sounds like a question, so even with the ellipsis perhaps should end with a question mark, ie. ..? instead of ...
76The Autumn QueenInteresting start. For three lines of dialogue, it certainly revealed quite a bit, both about the unnamed girl's relationship with her mother and her own character. On top of that, you've stayed within the typical realm where I can relate to the female character and the feeling where parents start seeming a little...selfish I guess. Especially when they reach late teens/early adulthood I guess. But it's a very relateable start, and thus attention grabbing in that way. I'm sorry; I've suddenly forgotten how to spell relateable, and the spell-check's no help.
I also like the description you put into the dream-scape, especially in comparison to the "real" world. It highlights the significance of the scene while painting a pretty, calming image in juxtaposition with the reality we barely got a glimpse at. It's also interesting how you relied almost solely on dialogue in the "real" setting and anything but in the dream-scape.
I feel the line [And she was never the same again.] is a little redundant in context, particularly as it's followed by the dream-scape. It would have worked, albeit as a cliched ending, if you'd cut the - judging from the length, I'm more inclined to think of this as a prologue as opposed to a full-length chapter, but in any case - prologue at that point and included the dream in the next "chapter". However, then the length may cause you a problem. You could have perhaps included a little more of a rant, monologue sort, which would introduce the character a little more. Perhaps the typical staring at the mirror scene that would give us a hint to her reflection before it vanishes in the pool. Then you could cut the "chapter" off at that point. Elsewise, perhaps you will consider rephrasing that line. It sounds a little like an ending, so the fact that more text comes after it is a little unhinging...as far as reading goes.
Just a note on your summary - it sounds like a question, so even with the ellipsis perhaps should end with a question mark, ie. ..? instead of ...