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for Macabre Perception

6/28/2012 c1 76The Autumn Queen
Is your title also a part of your poem? If it isn’t (or is – since it’s hard to tell), you should format the title differently from the actual piece. If it is not the title and simply shares the same wording, you should perhaps put the title in in a different format to distinguish. As it is, I feel it’s not a part of the poem, as the rhythm is thrown off by it. But that prompts a re-read, and not for the reason that it was so fascinating, I can’t get enough of it. In fact, the later part was somewhat lost on me because of the jam at the beginning.
I like how your images jump around. Your lines are just long enough to capture an individual image before the page-break enforces another. I particularly like how you jumped from the girl to the bus; it really gives an impersonal feel to that aspect, while enforcing a more emotional feel where the personal pronouns show up.
It’s also interesting seeing how you’ve got a rhythm unfolding at the beginning to middle of the poem, and then suddenly throw it off. It’s quite appropriate for your subject matter. And then you fall back into a semi-rhythmic manner after the line with “fed” – which was quite jarring (in a good way this time). Again gives an impersonal feel to the situation.

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