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3/19/2013 c9 16The Queen Elsa
YAY! I'll go see if it's posted yet.
3/12/2013 c8 The Queen Elsa
Great story so far! I don't read sci-fi often but this got me into the genre
1/6/2013 c8 9malilei
GREAT!
Haven't been reading in a while, but this chapter in your story reminded me why I love to read! But then there's an excessive use of the word "freaking." Not that I mind, but try using a more powerful word next time, I would say.

Apart from that, the chapter was good, definitely suspenseful, because I didn't realize what happened until Skit says "Lareel." Yeah, definitely a great story. Umm... A few random things an author might like to hear about her story,
My favorite character is Trow, because I think she's brave and kind and (all that stuff :-))
Favorite Chapter is 8 :-)

The story is really coming along great! Keep posting,
StoryLover.
(P.S. Will you read one of my stories? Don't have to just askin')
12/26/2012 c8 BlobbyTheUnicorn
Oh, well, if there was a mistake last chapter you should have changed it, instead of having me rambling and ranting on about something that you already knew about. Now I feel guilty. :(

Hmmm... Yeah, this is a very good chapter, I think (apart from its shortness). All of their reactions are very accurate, I thought.

But I take back what I said earlier - that Kamin should have immediately entered all the names he knew into the thing. Because that would really raise suspicion. Even this death would raise suspicion. I mean, the day after a new guy arrives and someone dies? That would seem very fishy to me.

So I have a new proposal on the best method Kamin should have taken to best kill off all the Crims in the household! :D Call me mean, but whatever.

He should wait for ages and very slowly and carefully find out each of the Crims' names... Then, after he's done that, he should wait for one night when they are all happy - give them a last supper, of sorts - and then, when he's alone, recite all of their names into the thing. They died happily and he's done his job.

I would think that's the best way to go. And if they bring in more strays while he's ingratiating himself, then more of the Crims can be eliminated. In one fatal strike he can wipe out a significant safe house thing.

But I have the feeling that this story isn't one of those murder and killing stories... So just do whatever. You don't have to listen to me. :)

Blobby the Unicorn
12/26/2012 c7 BlobbyTheUnicorn
First of all, I love your copyright sentence :)

Second, I don't know if this is purposeful but the very first italics message to let us know whose POV the chapter is in, is on the same line as the chapter title... And I keep missing it. D: You might think I'm skipping over your chapter titles, but it's just that it's not bold and for some reason I am incapable of reading the rest of a line if the first half is bolded. I'd really appreciate it if you changed this in future chapters!

Third, I'm glad that someone is questioning why Trow brought him straight to the hideout place. :)

Fourth, how come no one helped him make up a back story like they do for spies and the like? It seems a little sad that the whole mission (not to mention his life) is based on his as yet untested ability to lie...

Fifth, I just realised a really bad flaw in Kamin's method of transmission. Olavere's last name is McRae and Lareel's is McCrae? Where's the difference in phonetics? How could the Timekeepers know which spelling to use? Seems a little illogical.

Sixth, how can the Crims have the "pride of learning to ... drive a car"? Petrol is way too expensive for them, right? And what would be the point? My understanding is that they just stay at home mostly, only going out to pick up strays, food and to trade.

Seventh (a magic number!), I find it a little fast that he's already so morally confused. I would have thought that from the very moment he stepped into that world, he would have attempted to get full names from everyone and immediately (or as soon as he could), enter their names into the thing without hesitation. Perhaps some of the Crims forgot their last names and that slows him down for his morals to catch up.

Also, you haven't given a clear reason as to why he hasn't entered Olavere or Trow into the thing. Trow was the first person he got the full name of - wouldn't she therefore be the first? The only reason I can think of that would prevent him from entering her name would be a 'misplaced' sense of loyalty and sentimentality as she was the first person he'd met. However, you haven't given this reason so I'm not entirely sure. :)

Off to read the eighth chapter...

Blobby the Unicorn
12/26/2012 c6 BlobbyTheUnicorn
I really expected someone to greet Kamin with a, "Come in, Kamin." That would have been funny... :) If you don't get it, read it out loud... Unless I've been mentally pronouncing Kamin's name wrongly.

Also, it seems a bit odd that the protocol for strayers would be to immediately bring the stray back to the place of safety. Isn't that a little dangerous? Wouldn't it be more likely that the Crims (since they are, after all, Crims) make them go through a little initiation torture ceremony thing?

It seems expecially odd that she's somehow "drawn" to him so early on. I would have thought that living 'on the streets', as it were, would make her more suspicious and less likely to become 'protective' of anyone.

And she's super sarcastic and everything, so wouldn't she just be kind of annoyed at Kamin for not opening up? She apparently doesn't have the control needed to be a red hand, so I see her cracking one time and yelling at him.

It just seems weird that she's not even the slightest bit suspicious of him - all her concern about him 'hiding something' is just because she wants him to become part of the 'family'.

I'd also like more development of the way that this society works, but maybe that will come in (Kamin!) later chapters. For instance, how are people chosen to be Crims or Timekeepers? Why are they called Timekeepers? What's the definition of a Crim? Are there any non-crims and non-Timekeepers (i.e. normal people) and if so, what do they do?

It's a really interesting world that you've created and I'd like to see it fleshed out a little more. :)

Blobby the Unicorn
12/26/2012 c2 Guest
In your first chapter you said "unstableness". "Instability" would be a better word.

This is a really novel idea, I really like it so far :)
12/26/2012 c1 Guest
by ridding (the world) of the evil. you missed out on two words :)
12/9/2012 c5 QuantumRelativity
Again with the totally awesome names: Trow! Love it!

This review isn't as formal as my first sorry, but one thing, you made an itty nitty error
"Trow must have no heard me," no to not, but it s'okay, we ALL make mistakes ;)

CHZLVR25
{Critique}
12/9/2012 c3 QuantumRelativity
–Kamin Austas-
The coolest, mot futuristic name of all time that I have EVER read so far.
How do you come up with them? I mean, its amazing how you can!

Thanking: STORYLOVER12345 for suggesting this to me, as I was in DESPERATE need of a GODD Sci-Fi adventure story.

I am loving you work. It’s so freely done, yet mature and sophisticated in its own special way, gorgeous. I love it!

The creativity in having Kamin Austas {again coolest name ever} be a timekeeper and the whole idea of that shows your imagination and creativity is really interesting and I enjoy the concept very much.

Its unique and I think the story will be going in a very good direction from here.

In all but other words, I really enjoy your story so far and will continue to read it, but really I must know,

How did you come up with Kamin Austas, the name? It’s the coolest future name ever and I need 2 know!

Great story, keep writing,
CHZLVR25
{Critique}
7/21/2012 c7 malilei
Hi. Was gone for a while sorry!
I really liked the last sentence in this chapter, And I have no idea how you came up with the names. Like here's my try.
Saxin? Yeah that's pretty bad )-:
Plus, maybe for fun-you could do a special chapter about how some of the Crims got to be Crims. (You don't have to.)
Just one question-unless you answer this later... How do they become Crims if they didn't do nothing wrong?
Plus umm... I was wondering if you could read my story and say if you like it.
7/13/2012 c7 TinfoilKnight
"My mind raced to scrape up a back story, but strangely, I found I enjoyed the rush of adrenaline this role playing brought on." Not sure about this. I feel like somebody should have helped him come up with one before he went out running around with criminals who kill people with his occupation. I mean, don't these people have any sense of logic? And if he was so worried about them finding out in earlier chapters, wouldn't he have already came up with one on his own when he was stressing out?

"Who was murdered by a redhand." Aha. I like this, it explains why he's so cool with being a Timekeeper.

And with a final, defining breath, I uttered into the device, "Lareel McRae." Oh no, oh no! DX Love the ending ending, it was a good use of suspense. Fine. So you got me. I want to read more.
7/13/2012 c6 TinfoilKnight
Hey, not cool, fictionpress.

feels "protective" about him, not because it's realistic, but because she's the love interest and she's supposed to feel this way. I'd prefer a more gradual approach, personally.

I had something else to say, but I hit sumbit too early and lost my train of thought. :P sorry about that.
7/13/2012 c6 TinfoilKnight
Ha, I love the way she completely misinterprets his fear. The dramatic irony is quite amusing.

" I was protective of the boy! He must've been a year older than me, yet I had this peculiar liking to him." I don't really like this, it feels forced to me. Instead of taking the time to develop the characters' relationship gradually, you just up and say she feels oddly drawn to him. It doesn't seem natural, and you can see the author's hand behind the scenes. These two characters wouldn't hit it off so quickly in real life - I can imagine her enjoying teasing him, but I can also imagine her being annoyed by his awkwardness. But she automatically
7/13/2012 c5 TinfoilKnight
"In the world we Timekeepers strove to create, everyone was healthy and held comfortable lives." Good characterization, it helps show his good intentions behind the exectutioner deal.

"Red-hands are the wisest and most-experienced Crims, and only a few people are ever chosen to become one. It's extremely dangerous to be a red-hand, and you have to be born with the natural instincts that can lead you away from danger. I don't have those, for sure. Everyone's best at something, and I'm best at being a strayer." Not so fond of this piece of dialogue. What's she doing, reading from a textbook? She's got such a distinct voice, and it just disappears for these sentences.
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