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for The Timekeeper

7/13/2012 c4 TinfoilKnight
"I'm just gonna tell you now, raw and right to the point, before those Timekeeper idiots start freaking out." I like the voice in this. You introduce it right away, and I can immeadiately see her personality.

"They could have hired a defenseless little toddler, lured her into the job with cookies or something." Cookies? XD Nice, it made me laugh.

"As it turned out, the girl wasn't little liar after all. She led us to an abandoned building..." I feel like there could've been more development here - this paragraph's vague with little detail, but it represents a turning point in the character's life. Flesh it out into a whole scene, maybe? I'd at least like to see some description of the place and the people who live there.
7/13/2012 c3 TinfoilKnight
Wait, Hyden Nolbee? Officially the weirdest character name I've read.

"Shiny strands of black were all that was left on the man's head, which was as reflective as a pink mirror." Nice sentence, paints a strong image in my mind.

I like the development of Hyden Nolbee and his gadgets. He's got such a strange vibe, he'll turn out to be a memorable character, I'm sure. Hoping to see lots more of him in the later chapters.

"But there was one question that slithered through my veins, clogging my mind and gripping my heart with anxiety." Maybe a little overkill, I think? Tone's to strong for just general nerves. And wouldn't he be a little excited, too? This line verges on melodrama to me.
7/13/2012 c2 TinfoilKnight
"The rainfall drummed against the windows, like hundreds of souls attempting to pry their way into the tower and get revenge for their early death." LOLwhut? Okay, if you're going that way with symbolism, the best method is subtlety. Otherwise you're beating your readers over the head with it, and it will come across as either cheesy or just plain blatant. Part of the trouble with this line is the length, I guess. It could be improved just by switching it to "The rainfall drummed against the windows like hundreds of vengeful spirits attempting to pry their way into the tower."

"The tower was extremely quiet. There was no talking, no shifting, no sharp intakes of breath; only the steady, pleasant tap of hands on rows of buttons." Good description, helps develop the setting. Find it interesting that he describes it as 'pleasant' it shows how comfortable he is with his job.

Oh, note the difference in tone between those two sentences. The first has a reference to lost souls, implying guilt; the second refers to a pleasent silence, implying a lack of guilt. :P Since this is first person, make sure your descriptions match up consistantly with your viewpoint character's moods.

I like the development of his workplace in this chapter. I wasn't really sure how to picture it, but now I can picture it clearly in my mind.
7/13/2012 c1 TinfoilKnight
Hello from the Review Marathon! Link in my profile.

"I'm a murderer, but I don't run bullets through your brains or twist knives in your chest. When your time has come, I press a button, and you go to wherever people go afterward. It's not my decision from that point on." Great first line! Certainly caught my attention. I think it does a better job than that poem, really.

I'm loving this concept, actually. It's so scary to imagine somebody being able to kill anybody by pressing a button. I'm interested to read more - is there paperwork involved? What are the laws?

"Until the day I met a girl by the name of Trow, and my life took a drastic turn." Uh... Well, that really wasn't what I was expecting. Okay, so it was what I was expecting, but I was hoping you'd be a little more subtle about it. I mean, I've read variations of that line countless times, and all it does is shoehorn your story into the standard "protagonist meets love interest, experiences change of heart" storyline, and forces Trow into the standard rebellious love interest stock character.

But as a whole, intriguing start! Nice job.
7/9/2012 c1 1TheSamm
I love the poem. The prologue is smoothly written until you reach the end of paragraph 4, line 3: "unstableness" is not a word. I think you were looking for "instability". Otherwise, great introduction.
7/6/2012 c6 Mem The Great
Really good, I only have one criticism to make. It seems that Trow is a little too quick to pick Kamin up. You should add some more dialogue between them before she decides to take him in. Yet still very good, so I'm adding it to my C2.
7/4/2012 c5 9malilei
Hello! Awesome-as usual! :-) Plus, cuh-reepy last part... Sounds like Kamin's going to die...
Trying to do more criticism, so, I would try making longer chapters, and I-notice the I-always add cliffhangers at the end. You don't have to make cliffhangers... but yeah-I do.

My favorite character is actually Trow. Trow Dahlen to be precise! XD

Favorite part is
"What do red-hands do?" I repeated, louder.

Trow stopped and turned towards 'him'. An evil smile crept up onto her face. "They do the most important thing any Crim can do," she replied. "They kill Timekeepers."

And oh-just noticed, it says 'him' not 'me. Should probably change that. Here, I'll quote it.

There's a very "futuristic" feeling to your story. I would try adding more non-talking too. (God, I'm criticising too much. Sorry!)

Futuristic smiley! O_o

Hope I can read more soon! (Or I will die of story deprivation! oops think i spelled that wrong)
6/30/2012 c4 Agent Phoinex
6/29/2012 c4 7Timothy K Lee
Really quite impressed with your writing style, I find it makes scenes I wouldn't normally enjoy quite entertaining. Like the idea you've created with the TimeKeepers, simple but believable in a future world. We're not far off this sort of invasion of privacy in our time, so I liked the whole 'big brother' idea behind the story.

Looking forward to reading more chapters, hope you keep writing this. I personally wouldn't worry too much about typos and things like that, make a great story first, editing can come later.

Keep writing, think you have a lot of potential )
6/28/2012 c2 7love971
Loved the second chapter!
I like the way you set it up, and your writing style is nice! I cant wait to read the third!
Keep it up :)
- Angie
6/27/2012 c3 24Spiffalicious
Good news...I still like it! :)

One thing I would recommend is checking more thoroughly for typos. There aren't very many, but even just a few can be distracting while reading.

Also, the sentence towards the end ("But there was one question that slithered through his veins, clogging his mind and gripping his heart with anxiety.") doesn't fit with the rest of the chapter that is told in Kamin's point of view. It's a really well written sentence (I like the image the words create), but it just sticks out awkwardly with the change in narrator.

Other than that I have nothing else to say except that I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
6/27/2012 c1 9malilei
Oh my god this story is impossibly awesome! Please keep writing! I can tell you're a serious writer, and this is an amazing prologue. It's sad though.
6/26/2012 c1 hi31243
At last! A story that has caught my attention! (Might I add, my attention is hard to catch, and you have caught it! Haha.)

You have managed to somehow write and conjure up this idea that is different in a way from all of the other sci-fi stories I have seen! (Lately with all of the dystopias, sci-fi has started to get a tad cliche.) And for that I applaud you! I love the Timekeeper's Vow by the way! Very cool! I'm excited to see what you have to bring to the table!

Keep up the good writing! :)

6/26/2012 c1 7love971
This is fantastic! I love the spin you took on sci fi!

I really

Have nothing to criticise or anything so yeah... Update soon please!

Good job :)

- Angie
6/26/2012 c1 24Spiffalicious
I really like it so far! It's an interesting concept.
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