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for Infected and Going Viral

8/25/2012 c1 5Knight Captain Cyrus Izar
Beautiful and flowing in its consciousness. Bravo!
7/19/2012 c1 99Dreamers-Requiem
I really like the language used here. In some parts it feels quite cold and clinical, which works really well. The style really drew me in, too, and it made me have to read over it a few times. None of it is simplistic, and I think you convey some strong images here. I like how the reader finds out just a little bit about the narrator, though not a lot - but there's a lot can be guessed from the style and what little has been said about them. The only small tiny thing I noticed was with [on St. Valentine's night, as I recall,] I think you could remove the first comma. Just a small suggestion. But yeah, a really good piece that I enjoyed reading.
7/3/2012 c1 5monarchos
I get the feeling that you must be a lot of fun at parties. You have this listed as a scifi piece - I'm not really sure why, unless it is based on Prometheus which I haven't seen yet. Your story does remind of what I have read of it. I'm not even certain which STD your narrator is infected with. (am I supposed to?)

I get the overall gist, which hopefully the main objective. I tried to determine how much of this was literal and how much metaphorical. Finally, I decided that most is metaphorical (except for the illness.) "Angst" does not seem to do the story justice. It seems to be more jagged glass suicidal.

A couple of tidbits - "was" in the first paragraph should be "war". I believe St. Valentines is possessive (St. Valentine's) although that might be an American thing. "fulfil" is "fulfill" and "rasion d'être" is "raison d'être".

For "Their presence affects me; I am not afraid, though" I would take out the word "though" - though at the end of a sentence is a pet peeve of mine. You could rearrange the sentence more effectively - "Though I am not afraid, their presence affects me." The entire story seems poetic to me and this arrangement seems to match that poetry.

I'm no grammar expert (I wish I were - Unfortunately, I hated those classes when I was younger), but you seem to add some random, stray punctuation marks. Is that intentional so that you could add to the chaos of thought? If it were me, I would subdivide and simplify some of the sentences. For instance, (Two years ago – it was on St. Valentines night, as I recall – when my edges were sliced into ribbons of hot, viscous scarlet, were the seeds of what these things are making me feel, in this moment, present in some form then?) would become ("Two years ago, on St. Valentine's night, as I recall, my edges were sliced into ribbons of hot, viscous scarlet. The seeds of what these things are making me feel, were they present in some form then?" - I still don't like this version, either. This is a difficult thought to get across.)

The only word usage that 'bugs' me is 'factorial'. It seems it should be 'exponential' or 'geometrical'.

This seems like a lot of suggestions for a short piece. But the story is very weighty. Hopefully it is helpful.

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