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for My Angel

10/1/2012 c1 75thewhimsicalbard
[RG - WCC Prize Review]

CONTENT: Though I am going to criticize this story as an author in the next three parts, I want to make sure you know that this story gave me a punch in the gut. It was crafted excellently in that respect, and when I read it, it made me feel a little sick to my stomach - which I believe is, to the author, a sign of accomplishment. So now that you know that I did actually enjoy reading your story, and that I really did connect with the meaning of it, I'd like to critique your actual writing.

TECHNICAL ELEMENTS: The insect motif was strong at first, but I think you overplayed it a little. It didn't really connect to anything else. Maybe if the doctor had "fingers that moved like a spider" or her mother's kiss "stung her like a bee", then it would have fit better, but it was a pretty central concept for a story that had nothing to do with bugs.

RELATIONSHIPS: I felt that there was not enough depth to the relationships in this story. A lot of it is implied, but... I just don't feel it. Like I said, the insect motif was really the driving force behind your main character, but none of the other characters had anything concrete behind them. For all I know, her mother was a serial killer at one point. There isn't enough there to go on.

PACING/LENGTH: I think this story would work a lot better if you had spent more time fleshing out the characters. Even though this is obviously supposed to be quite short, I think that if you put a some more words into developing your characters, the rest of the words in this story would have more value.

Congrats on your WCC win, and sorry this is a few days late!

9/17/2012 c1 1A. Gray
Very strong opening here, but i did have to reread it to understand the fourth line. That was probably just me. Even with that it was very clear what was going on, and why. Leads into the story of just what we might be dealing with here.
I could see the straining and shakey relationship between mother and daughter. It was patitable to me, and made me feel so bad for both of them, but the mother especially so. I can just see how distraught the woman is, and as a mother it made my heart ache.
The dialog, though it was just the mother speaking worked well. it was the primary way I could see how the woman was feeling, but She only caller her daughter sweetheart. I would have liked to see her call her daughter by name at least once even if only a nick name.
I would have liked to see more on the insect thing. Maybe the girl talking about holding a squirming grasshopper while waiting for the moment that she can spit it out without showing. Or how she had to swallow crickets now that she's in the hospital.
Overall a very hooking and good first chapter. You lay out an interesting premis of being inside the insane girl's head, and leave us wanting for more. It could use a bit more description I think, but that was really all it was lacking. Well done.
7/11/2012 c2 mustacheman19
hmmm... interseting haha i like it:)
7/6/2012 c1 4OneOriginalThing
Well this is obviously very interesting. I thought it flowed very well. but i feel like i should point out a few things
1. Angel's can't love anything more than god himself. So if the 'angel' she's in love with is a fallen angel. that would make more sense. And second isn't it very un-angel like to try to get a young lady to kill herself?

is she crazy? Or is she just schizophrenic? Because then that would make alot of sense. Any way, i think you did a terreific job making me think about what was going to happen next.
7/3/2012 c1 31Who Is This Girl Anyway
I think that if you started this with "Are you ready?" and then wrote "I opened my eyes. Not that it made much difference in the dark." this might be a bit more gripping. Dialogue tends to work quite well, and I think that might give a bit more hint as to what is going on.

I think you've made up quite an interesting situation here, and some rather good imagery, e.g."bottles of horrible pills – dark brown beetle jars, holding ugly squirming insects" I actually grimaced a bit at that. :) I'd love to see more imagery in this, for example what the "angel" looks like. You're quite good with metaphors, so it would be a shame to waste that.
7/3/2012 c1 44professional griefer
First, and really only problem: I don't think you have enough description about the angel or whatever he is. I can't picture him at all. You say he's glowing, but other than that it's left up to imagination.
Another thing is that you don't say what she was doing, or what she was trying to do. You say she's in the hospital, but why? You really offer no explanation. I don't know if that's intentional or not, but if it was I don't think it was the best choice.
I do really like the style of the second part and how you describe the pills as insects, I thought that was really interesting. I also liked the mother, you can really tell she cares about her daughter. You did a great job of conveying emotion in general in the second part, so great work there.
Overall, nice job, but I think some changes could make it better.
7/3/2012 c1 76The Autumn Queen
[I turned to face him on the bed, his glowing form just as beautiful as ever and I was awe-struck as always.] - I find this line a little long in comparison to the rest of them. Since you started off with snappy short sentences, having a long one that can be easily broken down by deleting the "and" is somewhat disruptive to the flow.

I like the voice of this; it really shows the dependence of the narrator on the "angel" as well as the blindsightedness involved. There is no mention of pain or regret or anything of the sort, and yet it doesn't seem wholly unrealistic.

["H-how are you feeling today, sweetheart?" She sniffed.] - she should probably be not capital.

I also like how the narrator doesn't actually say anything throughout the chapter...except the terms of her narration. It adds a little extra flair, both to her narration and the diologue and the other characters.

["You look better. Better than..."/ She trailed off and I could imagine her looking at the ground, trying to find the words on the floor.] - I think those work better on the same line, considering the trailing off is associated with the statement.

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