for Nothing Compares to You
27/3/2012 c1 Zoe Asher
I've seen that you have written a lot of stories but this is the first one I've read. It's your newest, so I can't really tell if your writing improved or not. But that's not the point. The thing is that I can clearly see who wrote this story. A teenage girl. Probably still quite young but mature enough to disclose love, longing, pain, desperation, etc.
My guess is that you want everyone who's ever been in love (and lost that person, obviously) relate to this story. You want them to read this and feel what this person is feeling. I'm guessing it's a girl talking because guys don't use such an emotional language. And if you wanted this person to be a male too bad because it's not convincing enough.
The best thing though is that I could feel it. The ache in the chest when you think about that person. The tears, welling up when you think about everything that was good about him. I could imagine how colorless and painful the days without him are. I could feel the determination not to give up and go on. To move on. I could feel the love so strong that all you want is to make this person proud even though he's not here to see it anymore. And this is the most beautiful thing about your story.
However, you should tone down the lovesick note because there's too much sugar in here. It's so sweet that it makes you sick. There's pain, sure but it's covered with layers of snot and tears. "I need you..", "I really do miss you...", "...I wish I could see you again". I highly suggest not to accentuate how much she needs him (or her, I don't really want to judge) in her life. That's sickening and absolutely doesn't stimulate people to read.
Also, in my opinion it'd look better if you put the 'italic lines' before the paragraphs. "Nothing compares to you" could be left as the last one but the paragraph above should have its own 'italic line'. It's easier to catch the drift then.
I've never been very good at subtlety but I hope you appreciate my honesty. :)
I've seen that you have written a lot of stories but this is the first one I've read. It's your newest, so I can't really tell if your writing improved or not. But that's not the point. The thing is that I can clearly see who wrote this story. A teenage girl. Probably still quite young but mature enough to disclose love, longing, pain, desperation, etc.
My guess is that you want everyone who's ever been in love (and lost that person, obviously) relate to this story. You want them to read this and feel what this person is feeling. I'm guessing it's a girl talking because guys don't use such an emotional language. And if you wanted this person to be a male too bad because it's not convincing enough.
The best thing though is that I could feel it. The ache in the chest when you think about that person. The tears, welling up when you think about everything that was good about him. I could imagine how colorless and painful the days without him are. I could feel the determination not to give up and go on. To move on. I could feel the love so strong that all you want is to make this person proud even though he's not here to see it anymore. And this is the most beautiful thing about your story.
However, you should tone down the lovesick note because there's too much sugar in here. It's so sweet that it makes you sick. There's pain, sure but it's covered with layers of snot and tears. "I need you..", "I really do miss you...", "...I wish I could see you again". I highly suggest not to accentuate how much she needs him (or her, I don't really want to judge) in her life. That's sickening and absolutely doesn't stimulate people to read.
Also, in my opinion it'd look better if you put the 'italic lines' before the paragraphs. "Nothing compares to you" could be left as the last one but the paragraph above should have its own 'italic line'. It's easier to catch the drift then.
I've never been very good at subtlety but I hope you appreciate my honesty. :)