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1/18/2013 c8 2KayMacD
I do like this chapter. It's short, but it gets a lot done.
I wonder what Alfie meant by "Pretend." :/
But anyway, I'm super glad that I know what's going on now. :P And I hope you update soon!
An anniversary! Yay! Sideways balloon! O
1/18/2013 c8 4whatthegreencarrot
["Finn, Kirk, what the hell?" Hissed the little hooded figure.] The "H" in hissed shouldn't be capitalized.

No other mistakes, as of what I could see. I did notice that you made Kirk seem like someone with a penchant for slang (ain't, waitin', etc.), but he talked normally afterward. Might want to tweak that a bit.

Long time no talk! I'm glad you finally updated Wasteland. Wow, really? It's been up for a year? Kudos to you—all my stories have been up for less than five months.

What did Alfie need to tell Finn? I'm a bit confused on that one, especially since she dragged him aside just to say "Pretend." Was that it, or did I miss something? O.O I usually do, so that's nothing new. :3

Happy late New Year *winks* and update soon. That's a wrap, so until the next time.
12/18/2012 c1 hohoho
Nice opening here. It has a great hook to it, and gives us just enough to be interested while leaving us desperate for more. I would think the little gasp she lets out would be telling, but for a captured boy that might not be enough. Surely then her voice would tell him who she is?
I can't wait to read more and see what is going on here!
12/17/2012 c2 Secret Santa
I didn't particularly enjoy the scene where Finn meets the other guys, Kirk and George. They didn't really stand out as characters compared to the others, because their personalities, quirks, and other characteristics were just so much duller. You probably don't want to go into their motivations and feelings so early like what you did with Alfie and Finn since they're not main characters, but you could have given more description of them. For example, George doesn't speak much at all. If he's supposed to have to have a quiet personality, you can show that by emphasizing on that point.

On the plus side, the sense of mystery and suspense is conveyed pretty well throughout this chapter. It follows on from the previous chapter and you reveal just the right amount of information in this one. It's no good to unravel the mystery so quickly, but at the same time, if you don't give enough information, you won't be able to pique the reader's interest. All in all, I'd say that you managed to hit the right balance here, so a job well done on that.
10/21/2012 c7 2KayMacD
Personally, I am in love with dialogue. AND writing without looking at the screen. Well, I guess you were probably looking at it...but it was dark...I'm moving on from that thought.
I love long dialogue scenes like the one you wrote about the dark for lots of reasons. Probably because it's a lot like what goes on in my head, but mostly because the writing styles of long dialogueness (pretend that's a word) make me focus more on how the characters are feeling, and less on what they're doing.
I also really like the scene you wrote about the girl in the dark, Ally. That was really well done, and it created a very...mystifying atmosphere, which I like.
Overall, I think this is my favorite chapter so far, and I'm excited to find out what happens next. :)
10/13/2012 c2 10Complex Variable
[...out the last of the papers that told about Finn's various histories.] - - - The first part of your opening sentence is nice; the latter half is awkward sounding.

[similar stories, the end remaining the same.] - - - I would write "...similar stories. The end was always the same."

[dumping the still warm papers] - - - "still warm" should be hyphenated: "still-warm"

[legs crossed daintily.] - - - I would write "daintily crossed."

[Finn glared more, eyes narrowing suspiciously, before he asked, "What are you talking about?"] - - - the way you lead into Finn's line here is awkward. I would make it [Finn glared more, his eyes narrowing suspiciously. "What are you talking about?" he asked.]

[If I were you, I wouldn't talk to the person who decides your future like that." ] - - - Make it [If I were you, I wouldn't talk like that to the person who decides your future."]

["The answers to your questions are the same, I am God."] - - - the comma should be a colon.

[He assumed he was the type to become amused easily as he raised a blue eyebrow.] - - - Which "he" is which—is it Finn, or Kirk? Clarification needed.

[I think it is one A.M] - - - "one" should be the number 1—it's a time. Also, the paragraph that this sentence starts off is, on the whole, rather choppy. Your first chapter was a lot more smoothly written than this chapter is. Maybe it's just a lack of editing?

["Well, I just wanted to explain your duties as the assistant of mine."] - - - there's something wrong with the phrase "the assistant of mine"—maybe you meant, "explain your duties as my assistant?" (or, even "explain your duties as my new assistant?")

[He remembered not to ask that question again, mentally cursing the hooded figure as he was guided to a large kitchen that seemed to be the whole floor's kitchen, almost as if this floor was a dormitory, and he began to messily make the girl breakfast with unhelpful guidance from Alfie.] - - - A run-on sentence; it makes my brain hurt. XD

[He couldn't believe he forgot.] - - - I would do, "He couldn't believe he had forgotten."

Alfie's a really weird lady—and in a good way. A bureaucratized afterlife, ruled by a mysterious, slightly b-hy woman—it's a cool premise, I have to admit.

Also, I like the hints at reincarnation that you've included in this chapter; and, of the lost love between Alfie and Finn.
10/13/2012 c1 Complex Variable
I like the way you do your opening—"revealing" the story through "revealing" a character's looks. However, [Angry green eyes opened, staring back at Alfie.] bothers me. It's confusing, having the viewpoint character's name being thrown out there in the middle of everything; I'm not sure whether to think that these eyes are looking back at the "her" you mention in the first sentence of the chapter, or, if it is referring to someone else, entirely. I would use the woman's name in either the first or fourth sentences of this chapter—where you currently have pronouns; I think it would make things clearer.

[She looked back at them now, and no trace of kindness seemed to be in them now] - - - I would remove the second "now" — it's redundant, and it sounds weird.

[ His eyes were piercing and demanding, not like the way it used to be.] - - - "not like the way THEY used to be."

[So much infinitely more than the first time] - - - I would omit the "so much"; "infinitely" does all of that, and more.

[Alfie stopped reminiscing about the past as the question still hung in the air and his eyes demanded the questions be answered.] - - - this sentence feels a little off-kilter; like it's two sentences, yearning to break free from one another.

Overall, this looks interesting. :)

Imma go read the next chaptah!
10/12/2012 c2 this wild abyss
Since this is the beginning of a plot I would suggest adding in more expository passages. As this chapter stands now you have a great deal of dialogue—I'd say the majority of this is conversation between characters. And while conversation is good and necessary, you need to find a balance. It's also difficult to relate to your characters at this point, since we don't know anything about them beside their names and how they speak. I think that conversation can be a powerful characterization tool, but usually only if readers have some sort of foundation to begin with.
10/12/2012 c1 this wild abyss
This scene serves well in capturing your reader's attention, since there is obviously a history between these characters, as well as a paranormal element that has to do with death and the afterlife. Those aspects are good, but I think there should be more. Most often, it's characters that readers value most in a novel, and you haven't given me much to pin these people on, beyond names. I would suggest broadening this out more if you want it to be a more effective hook.
9/30/2012 c6 dghqutiqvher
you write so deeeeeeppp... juest like mi hippie-ster friend i gots me
9/30/2012 c6 strangerdanger0
chad tryed to open a door for this one girl but she didnt walk threw it because 'i dont walk through doors that guys hold open' so he locked the door and she had to go around the back and the teacher was right there and didnt say anything alfie reminded me of that when she refused fin's help
9/30/2012 c1 Guest
Amazing Just Simply The Best Start To A Book Ever, Right After The First Harry Potter Book! -Timmy
9/29/2012 c2 5Persevera
The corporate take on the afterlife is interesting. It reminds me of an old tv movie about Hell.
I like her polishing her nails while he was performing the task that she set for him. It shows a disinterest in him and the task, because she's concentrating on that then probably won't be able to eat when he finishes, since her nails are wet
9/28/2012 c1 Persevera
I don't like this sentence. "She couldn't for a very selfish reason but she didn't want him to leave." It was a little confusing reading it. The best that I can figure is that instead of "but" you meant to say "that she didn't want him to leave".
I like the ending. Alfie has control of the situation and it's announced that they're in a different realm. Interesting start to a romance
9/25/2012 c1 43LuckycoolHawk9
I like the cliff-hanger you ended with since it shows that the character are supposed to be dead and it made you wonder how they died. I also liked how you are let the main character's thoughts and what she remembered from the past compared to having an intital reaction.
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