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8/15/2012 c2 5Dr. Self Destruct
I liked the dialogue in this chapter because I thought it showed us a lot more about the characters and helped with their characterization. I also thought it was interesting how Alfie claims she's God - it's a rather bold claim, and I think it shows a lot about her personality. I'm wondering if she's literally God, or if she's just the God over whatever realm Finn is trapped inside. From the sounds of things, I'd say she more closely resembles the devil, haha.

I noticed there were quite a few commas lacking in places where they were needed, mostly between an independent clause and a dependent clause. It makes some of the longer sentences very confusing, and I had to read over them a couple times. You might want to think about finding a Beta to help you with the more minor grammar aspects.

["Know your place. If I were you, I wouldn't talk to the person who decides your future like that," she could tell that her smug attitude was making Finn even angrier and she secretly took satisfaction in herself for being able to produce such an adorable emotion from him.]

The end of this dialogue right after 'that' should be a period instead of a comma. Since 'she could tell that...' is an action tag instead of a speaker tag, that's why you'd want to end the dialogue with a period. It helps a lot with the flow of the dialogue when going into the prose, and vice versa. I recommend doing a Google search for some guides on proper dialogue punctuation, or referencing a favorite book and seeing how the author formats their dialogue is a good place to learn by example. I know it's not a major issue, but like I said before, it can really help with the flow of how a reader reads it, and it also lets them know when certain tags are meant to enhance the words, or should merely be read as an action.
8/15/2012 c1 Dr. Self Destruct
I wasn't too fond of the opening; it didn't really grab me and want me to keep reading, but was rather confusing. I thought it was too wordy, and some of the description in the rest of the first chapter was a bit too much. Take for example the "heavy dark cloak." Heavy doesn't really add to the picture of the cloak, I think, so I'd eliminate that. Dark is good because it describes the look, but unless the heaviness is really going to come into factor, I wouldn't bother with it. It's best to save your more detailed descriptions for when something important happens, or when you want something to really stand out.

For the beginning, if I may make a suggestion, I think this sentence would come across as a better hook:

[ She pulled the fabric that hung loosely at her neck so that it masked her face much like a bandanna.]

You create some intrigue here with her covering her face. It gives the impression she's about to do something shady, and that she might have something to hide. I think you could probably shift the sentences around rather easily to put this one first.

["Well, I haven't decided what you would do for me yet," She said answering the last question first, "and, apparently, you are in the afterlife."]

Edit: The 'she' after the dialogue should be lower case. I also think you can take out the 'answering the last question first' since it's already implied from her dialogue.
8/15/2012 c1 TinfoilKnight
[The jet black hair that seemed to defy gravity and stood around his head in the familiar disheveled spikes should have been enough for Alfie to recognize the boy tied and blindfolded in front of her.] I don't like this first sentence - it's very wordy and awkward. I think the description of his hair makes the sentece a little too long, and I thin it needs to be shortened. The construction is awkward, too; I think it would readd easier if Alfie was the subject of the sentence. "Alfie should've recognized the boy tied and blindfolded in front of her by his disheveled, spiky black hair"?

I don't really care for the emphasis on his eyes, either. Green eyes are a little overdone in fiction; you can't spit in the fantasy section without hitting a green ayed love interest. (You get points for not describing them as emerald, though. My gawsh.) Describing his eyes isn't a very original way to show his anger, and it doesn't really provide much of an image. There's so much more to emotion than eyes. What about his posture? Are his shoulders tensed? What about the rest of his face? Does he clench his teeth or tighten his lips? Does he furrow his eyebrows?

I like the last sentence. It was very unexpected, and it made me want to read more. I also like that you don't reveal everything at once - it adds some suspense.

Keep writing! See you aroung the RG! :)
8/15/2012 c1 4lookingwest
Weeeeeird, so - I dunno how I feel about this. I'm sure it's totally coincidence though, but I've actually read a story with a character named Alfie (although this Alfie was a boy) and then there was a character in it whose name was Kid who had "jet black hair that seemed to defy gravity and stood around his head in...disheveled spikes". Because of that image - you might want to go with something else for an opening sentence. Not because the chances of you and this other FP writer ever publishing, etc. the exact same sort of image for a character would actually happen, but just for the sake of a more creative opening, as I feel that style not only has been done in the other story I'm thinking of, but also in the world at large. It wasn't a hook for me, I would've liked something else for the opening sentence. The opening paragraph, however, did offer some intrigue, though I almost got lost in who was who a bit. We've got the boy tied to the chair, and then Alfie and her friend Violet.

Good hook for a last line of dialogue. It feels a little too formal because of the lack of contractions used in the last line (would prefer a more natural "you're" for instance. But otherwise I think you have a unique concept started here and it does kind of quip the interest of the reader to continue. A lot of this was description and not a lot of action, which I didn't mind, but maybe adding in something like the attempt to escape the chair, etc. might work to your advantage too - these are just suggestions of course. Overall this was a good start!
8/2/2012 c5 4whatthegreencarrot
Ah, I love it :D Violet's the cat. So how does Alfie supposedly have white hair and red eyes if she's brown-haired and brown-eyed in the memory...? I'm curious, post more! :P
8/2/2012 c5 2KayMacD
I wonder why Alfie doesn't want Finn to remember her. I'm really excited to see an update!
P.S. I like the author's note at the bottom. :)
7/27/2012 c4 4whatthegreencarrot
Wow, this is a really interesting story, especially since I'm not into the supernatural kind of story. Alfie seems like a very original character—this is an impressive story. Looking forward to more! :D
7/24/2012 c1 urbestiebecky
i was about to cry at the end of the 4th chapter T-T
btw i think u need to put in commas well everywhere i think i would at least check it again
ann it was great i loved it so much, did u change the story or is this new i cant remember
3 xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
7/16/2012 c3 Guest
You're doing great! Just one small recommendation. To make it seem more real when Finn laughs, use "chuckle" or "laugh." Girls giggle, and men chuckle . . Real men, anyways. Girly men might giggle . .
7/15/2012 c3 2KayMacD
This is an interesting chapter. I still don't know what Finn remembered from chapter 2, but I like that he's working for Alfie now and that he's trying to help people. It's good that we know a little more about the world they're in. :) I hope you'll update soon!
7/15/2012 c3 76The Autumn Queen
You're mincing words again. I particularly dislike the use of the word "as" because it drags a little too much. It's unnecessary; doesn't supply us with any additional information, makes it a little harder to read because it takes the place of a comma, and is repeated so many times it becomes a unreasoned motif of sorts.

I like the sentence [I think… I want to remember what I feel like I'm forgetting] because it nicely encapsulates the idea of forgetting. it always gets me when people say "I want to remember what I've forgotten" - how do you /know/ you've forgotten? You don't until you remember. Never made sense to me, but you've pointed it out nicely. And heavy emotion.

Your speaker tags are scrambled again.

Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
7/15/2012 c2 The Autumn Queen
I don't like the wording of your first paragraph because, again, it's a little unmanageable. You don't want to work the readers too hard because then they won't be so inclined to continue reading. [boys] - either boy's if singular and boys' if plural. [Alfie was waiting] - be consistent with active/passive. I'd recommend active in this case. Alfie waited. [She skimmed over the warm papers quickly reading aloud.] - the reading is inferred, and it shouldn't matter whether aloud or no. Just say "she quickly skimmed over the warm papers." if the aloud part comes into play, then have her interrupted and the fact that she spoke aloud will speak for itself.

Also, use more commas around the rest of the chapter too. Except here: ["I know everyone," Alfie shrugged simply as she said this] - that's a fullstop's place.

I like the discussion though because it was very informative, and not simply in the "telling" manner.
7/15/2012 c1 The Autumn Queen
I don't like the first line because it's a little too wordy; by the time I got to the end, I'd forgotten the beginning. Perhaps breaking it up, or using commas or something. As it is, it makes it a little difficult to read. There are some other sentences in there that require commas as well.

I like the image of Alfie's character though because you've immediately made him stand out as the sort of "hero" character, namely because of the spikes and the big innocent eyes. Albiet, it does come off as a little cliched, but in such a small chapter, there isn't much that can be said character wise, so I'll have to wait for that.

Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
7/10/2012 c2 2KayMacD
I think this is really interesting. I can honestly say I've never seen this idea before, and I'm interested and I want to know what happens next. I know you're asking for criticism, but there isn't really much I can say. I hope you'll update soon though!
7/4/2012 c1 Guest
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