Just In
for Black Rose

8/6/2012 c2 1Lizbeth007
I can't wait till you update it. I really enjoy it!
7/24/2012 c1 46not Ross
What's most impressive is that you kept my attention for 5000 words. That hardly ever happens in a first chapter on this site. You actually put stuff in your first chapter that's more interesting than a full-body description of the main character, right down to the back of the eardrum or why their left toenail is messed up. I think Alana is a fascinating character. It's going to be interesting to see how you develop her, and I really like the way the kids in her (chemistry?) class bully her - I mean, I don't LIKE it, but I like the way it's written. Awkward... Anyway, haha.

One thing that really gave me a jolt: where the heck does a high school junior (presumably he's a junior) get enough money for a diamond ring with a personalized inscription on the back? I mean, it might have been fine if you let Alana wonder the same thing (I think sometimes a good way to cover up questionable parts of a plot or something is to blatantly point them out - and then give a reason later on, of course), but for her to just shrug it off...? Seemed weird to me.

Also, there are some grammar errors here and there, and some weird dialogue punctuation phenomena. Your first paragraph has some odd verb tense changes and I honestly could not tell if your story was written in past or present tense until the 2nd or 3rd paragraph bc you kept switching back and forth with pretty much every sentence. But those mostly went away. There was nothing super distracting, but I think they were things you could catch with a once-over (including that random bold paragraph in the middle).

But overall, I like this story a lot. Like I said, it is next to impossible to keep a reader's attention for 5000 words on this site, but you've done it! :) Subscribing.
7/24/2012 c1 AstoriasWorld
I love it! Especially Cam's character, even though Alana becomes fed up with him. Keep writing! :)

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