for Rebel of the Moon11/7/2012 c2 anonymous 3
grrrs* then get into it! XD like now! ... cuz this is the only story I'm interested in! ;)
grrrs* then get into it! XD like now! ... cuz this is the only story I'm interested in! ;)
8/12/2012 c1 
20Claire LeBoeuf
'ello there.
I. Dialouge is a bit wonky. It's hard to tell who's talking. I'd be suprised if spellcheck didn't fix that...
II. I smell a Mary Sue... put 'er through a Mary Sue Litmus test [ springhole dot net] and don't lie. They can smell it.
III. Why did they banish her if they were trying to capture her? Are they just reall stupid? Or don't think ahead well?
Concrit is fun isn't it!
Course of action:
A. Incest in spellcheck. *Invest.
B. I think Mary might be on the loose, put that through THE TEST
C. Write out a plot and chapter outline before you write any more and fix that gaping plot hole in the making.
Ta,
C
20Claire LeBoeuf'ello there.
I. Dialouge is a bit wonky. It's hard to tell who's talking. I'd be suprised if spellcheck didn't fix that...
II. I smell a Mary Sue... put 'er through a Mary Sue Litmus test [ springhole dot net] and don't lie. They can smell it.
III. Why did they banish her if they were trying to capture her? Are they just reall stupid? Or don't think ahead well?
Concrit is fun isn't it!
Course of action:
A. Incest in spellcheck. *Invest.
B. I think Mary might be on the loose, put that through THE TEST
C. Write out a plot and chapter outline before you write any more and fix that gaping plot hole in the making.
Ta,
C
8/2/2012 c1 The Lesbian of Reason
Let's start off with the good: Nice effort. I can tell that you tried, though there are quite a few issues with characters, grammar, and the whole thing in general. Please, please, please read a grammar book before posting anything. Just get a basic understanding of how to write conversations, use paragraphs and capitalization. I had absolutely no idea what they were talking about or who was saying what. The main character seems like a Mary-Sue. Unique name, daughter of an authority figure, different-in-a-good-way eyes, etc. The plot has a bit of a hole, though it's still early on in the story so it could be fixed. Why would they capture her if they banished her? Anyways, I hope my review helped.
Let's start off with the good: Nice effort. I can tell that you tried, though there are quite a few issues with characters, grammar, and the whole thing in general. Please, please, please read a grammar book before posting anything. Just get a basic understanding of how to write conversations, use paragraphs and capitalization. I had absolutely no idea what they were talking about or who was saying what. The main character seems like a Mary-Sue. Unique name, daughter of an authority figure, different-in-a-good-way eyes, etc. The plot has a bit of a hole, though it's still early on in the story so it could be fixed. Why would they capture her if they banished her? Anyways, I hope my review helped.