for Trials of the Son8/21/2012 c1 
10Vivace.Assai
From RH (return) - reviewing as I read:
[marveling in the beauty its pearly radiance] The sentence felt awkward because you're missing an "of" (in my opinion). I think it would be better as: marveling in the beauty *of* its pearly radiance
So the assassin was quite a surprising appearance. You really jumped straight into the plot, which is nice in a way since it is a nice way to capture reader interest in the first chapter. I might have liked more development about Sein's daily life - like what were his parents like? how did the servants annoy him so much? Sein does tell us all of that, but I would have liked a moment to see it, to truly get a firsthand understanding of why Sein hates his life so much. Furthermore, it would have made the sudden change have a bigger impact, since I have an idea of "before" and "after" the assassin strikes. But jumping into the plot does make the story exciting, and I become more interested to see what will happen next.
As for character, Sein is intriguing. I understand his annoyance at being pampered but I can't quite connect with him yet. I still feel detached from him despite all that has happened, though it will take time for me to start feeling empathy for his situation... We are only on the first chapter. I am worried for his future, though, since I don't think he can survive out there alone. I mean, he didn't call for help with the assassin. And then when he was bleeding profusely, shouldn't he be calling the servants to help him? I presume the servants and guards are now all dead, but he doesn't know that... So yeah, I'm worried for him...
[Trepidation clawed at my heart as if trying to tell me that my desire to die had not been as strong as I had thought] Nice sentence here. It is a bit on the wordy side, but I liked how you said "trepidation clawed at my heart" and how you suggested that the prince didn't really want to die.
Iliana's appearance was intriguing. She seems like quite a mysterious character, and I'm curious what part she will play in the future. Will she be his love interest? A traveling companion? A mentor? You've taken care to describe her beauty and make her memorable, so I assume that she's going to be an important character in later chapters and not just somebody Sein meets and forgets. But now there's other questions: like why is Iliana there? why did she arrive at his castle after the assassin struck? what does she know? This is all a very mysterious premise with the assassin and Iliana. I guess there is a conspiracy going on, and I'm curious to see how you'll expand it. So I like the plot that you set up! It's all very intriguing and immediately captures my interest.
So overall, nice start. I'm curious to read more.
Signing off...
P.S.: First, thanks for your very helpful review! Secondly, sorry this review return took some time. I've been busy. I'm going to review this chapter first and I'll try to get to the second chapter later in the next couple of weeks (or today if I finish reviewing all my alerts). We'll just see what happens.
10Vivace.AssaiFrom RH (return) - reviewing as I read:
[marveling in the beauty its pearly radiance] The sentence felt awkward because you're missing an "of" (in my opinion). I think it would be better as: marveling in the beauty *of* its pearly radiance
So the assassin was quite a surprising appearance. You really jumped straight into the plot, which is nice in a way since it is a nice way to capture reader interest in the first chapter. I might have liked more development about Sein's daily life - like what were his parents like? how did the servants annoy him so much? Sein does tell us all of that, but I would have liked a moment to see it, to truly get a firsthand understanding of why Sein hates his life so much. Furthermore, it would have made the sudden change have a bigger impact, since I have an idea of "before" and "after" the assassin strikes. But jumping into the plot does make the story exciting, and I become more interested to see what will happen next.
As for character, Sein is intriguing. I understand his annoyance at being pampered but I can't quite connect with him yet. I still feel detached from him despite all that has happened, though it will take time for me to start feeling empathy for his situation... We are only on the first chapter. I am worried for his future, though, since I don't think he can survive out there alone. I mean, he didn't call for help with the assassin. And then when he was bleeding profusely, shouldn't he be calling the servants to help him? I presume the servants and guards are now all dead, but he doesn't know that... So yeah, I'm worried for him...
[Trepidation clawed at my heart as if trying to tell me that my desire to die had not been as strong as I had thought] Nice sentence here. It is a bit on the wordy side, but I liked how you said "trepidation clawed at my heart" and how you suggested that the prince didn't really want to die.
Iliana's appearance was intriguing. She seems like quite a mysterious character, and I'm curious what part she will play in the future. Will she be his love interest? A traveling companion? A mentor? You've taken care to describe her beauty and make her memorable, so I assume that she's going to be an important character in later chapters and not just somebody Sein meets and forgets. But now there's other questions: like why is Iliana there? why did she arrive at his castle after the assassin struck? what does she know? This is all a very mysterious premise with the assassin and Iliana. I guess there is a conspiracy going on, and I'm curious to see how you'll expand it. So I like the plot that you set up! It's all very intriguing and immediately captures my interest.
So overall, nice start. I'm curious to read more.
Signing off...
P.S.: First, thanks for your very helpful review! Secondly, sorry this review return took some time. I've been busy. I'm going to review this chapter first and I'll try to get to the second chapter later in the next couple of weeks (or today if I finish reviewing all my alerts). We'll just see what happens.
8/19/2012 c1 4Scriber08
When I read your blurb it reminded me of my story, which intrigued me to read on. Like the character in my story, Sein is a prince, whose been sheltered and wants more freedom. You did a good job with your use of description. You really helped paint the scene of what was going on. The only part though that I didn't get was the part where the assassin was trying to lunge at the main character and the next moment he is falling out the window. Did the character push him? Did the scene move back to the window where the assassin lunged at the character who was standing at the window and ended up crashing out the window instead? That part could be clarified a little more because it was a bit vague to me what happened in between. I also noted you raised many unanswered questions as to how the assassins broke in with no one stopping them but I assume you will explain that later. Other than that this was a pretty solid start and I'm curious where you'll go with this plot.
4Scriber08When I read your blurb it reminded me of my story, which intrigued me to read on. Like the character in my story, Sein is a prince, whose been sheltered and wants more freedom. You did a good job with your use of description. You really helped paint the scene of what was going on. The only part though that I didn't get was the part where the assassin was trying to lunge at the main character and the next moment he is falling out the window. Did the character push him? Did the scene move back to the window where the assassin lunged at the character who was standing at the window and ended up crashing out the window instead? That part could be clarified a little more because it was a bit vague to me what happened in between. I also noted you raised many unanswered questions as to how the assassins broke in with no one stopping them but I assume you will explain that later. Other than that this was a pretty solid start and I'm curious where you'll go with this plot.
8/18/2012 c2 4lookingwest
From The Roadhouse [Return 2 of 2]
Iliana had mentioned someone named Ryker... [This sentence before it's asked if Ryker owns the place was I felt, unneeded. Because we have the dialogue there, it negates the need for the information in the prior sentence. Stylistically up to you though, I just found it repeated the same thoughts, since he speaks it out loud and the reader could guess what he was thinking anyway.]
I find it interesting that our main character knows so much about the gossip in Taverns if he's never been outside the castle - how does he know what daily life is like? If anything, I would've expected more ignorance from him, yet he comes off very well-traveled all of the sudden in these earlier scenes. He has more of a grip of his surroundings than I thought he would, given his background and also his background with the aristocrats verses the middle class or poor. I know he didn't agree with his position, but I don't find any inner narration explaining his thoughts on moving/passing among a different social status. That being said, I did like how you started to develop that more towards the middle of this chapter when he talks about not being allowed into the political realm. That again begs the question though: What exactly was an 18 *male* heir to the throne doing? He wasn't hunting or participating in jousting or other activities for the male aristocrats, and even more, he wasn't involved or being trained the politics either. (He says his father preferred him to read books. OK. So his father wants him to be a monk, a scholar? But even if his father disapproves of his only heir to the throne, he would still have somewhat of an interest in training his son to be a king).
I find myself kind of unwilling to believe his side of the story, it just seems really odd/unlikely given the amount of text and background that already comes with writing a story about a prince. I'll continue to give the benefit of the doubt, but early on (first chapter, this chapter, etc.) you should give us reasons as to why that lifestyle doesn't apply to your world.
"...inadequacy for me, invariable proof that my father secretly disapproved of me." [Didn't like the clause repetition of "me" here, would reword.]
That all being said, I really did like your progress with Iliana's character. I liked the development and how you described her reaction to hearing her mother died. That connection was made very quickly, but I think it show's the prince is quick and smart, which is good - instead of telling us. You do a good job with showing us his smarts when he can figure things out on his own, like his surroundings, like Iliana's mother, etc. I didn't expect him to be that quick, given his background, but if he's book-smart I think it's interesting that we also see he's got common sense.
I've just had a thought - maybe I've been watching too much Game of Thrones - but what happened to the rest of the guard? Did we address that in the earlier chapter? Shouldn't there be an army of some sort here to protect the King and Queen? Shouldn't they be willing to defend the prince? If I were him I would've sought them out first. I know a lot of people died in the previous chapter but it's been awhile since I read it and I"m sure the assassin couldn't have killed the entire King's guard. I'm sorry if I seem like I'm trying to point out plot holes - they really aren't plot holes. I just feel like it needs to be addressed again if it hasn't already.
The turn this story took in the chapter 2 wasn't what I expected. While I liked learning about Rhea, the plot with Iliana felt like it came up and over too quickly. It also seems like a bizarre thing for her to go through so much trouble for in the prior chapter - I thought for sure she was part of a larger huge conspiracy, but it turns out she was just wondering about her Mom. Why couldn't she have asked a servant in the servant quarters during the daytime hours? Pretend to be a servant to get in and ask? Unsure. Don't get me wrong though, I did like the way you developed the scene between Iliana and the prince. I liked how the interacted and how their relationship grew.
With the ending, again, I'm not sure I believe it. What about the rest of the nobles? The rest of the court (Lords and Ladies)? Even if they were keeping it hush-hush because they were part of a conspiracy, what about the guards/army/King's guard/servants? The lower classes that work in the castle? The groundskeepers? There are a lot of people that have to keep their mouths shut and a lot of people that assassin would've had to have killed to keep quiet.
Maybe my problem is that I'm thinking on such a large scale. Perhaps establishing how big the kingdom is would help me - if it's very small and modest, I might believe it more. But I have no idea how many people are involved in the keeping of the castle or how many people are involved in the court. While I'm not opposed to ambiguity, I think by this point solidifying that would work better. Again, though, my memory is a bit fuzzy on the last chapter and I really really super duper apologize to you if I'm just asking questions that have already been answered :[
Despite some of the stuff I'd like explained more, this story does a really good job with clear style and narration. I appreciate the editing that went into the presentation and I'm enjoying the pace. I look forward to where it might lead, and things are progressing rather mysteriously. This story so far as avoided any cliches in my opinion, and seems to be developing in an unforeseen direction, so I like that too! Keep it up!
4lookingwestFrom The Roadhouse [Return 2 of 2]
Iliana had mentioned someone named Ryker... [This sentence before it's asked if Ryker owns the place was I felt, unneeded. Because we have the dialogue there, it negates the need for the information in the prior sentence. Stylistically up to you though, I just found it repeated the same thoughts, since he speaks it out loud and the reader could guess what he was thinking anyway.]
I find it interesting that our main character knows so much about the gossip in Taverns if he's never been outside the castle - how does he know what daily life is like? If anything, I would've expected more ignorance from him, yet he comes off very well-traveled all of the sudden in these earlier scenes. He has more of a grip of his surroundings than I thought he would, given his background and also his background with the aristocrats verses the middle class or poor. I know he didn't agree with his position, but I don't find any inner narration explaining his thoughts on moving/passing among a different social status. That being said, I did like how you started to develop that more towards the middle of this chapter when he talks about not being allowed into the political realm. That again begs the question though: What exactly was an 18 *male* heir to the throne doing? He wasn't hunting or participating in jousting or other activities for the male aristocrats, and even more, he wasn't involved or being trained the politics either. (He says his father preferred him to read books. OK. So his father wants him to be a monk, a scholar? But even if his father disapproves of his only heir to the throne, he would still have somewhat of an interest in training his son to be a king).
I find myself kind of unwilling to believe his side of the story, it just seems really odd/unlikely given the amount of text and background that already comes with writing a story about a prince. I'll continue to give the benefit of the doubt, but early on (first chapter, this chapter, etc.) you should give us reasons as to why that lifestyle doesn't apply to your world.
"...inadequacy for me, invariable proof that my father secretly disapproved of me." [Didn't like the clause repetition of "me" here, would reword.]
That all being said, I really did like your progress with Iliana's character. I liked the development and how you described her reaction to hearing her mother died. That connection was made very quickly, but I think it show's the prince is quick and smart, which is good - instead of telling us. You do a good job with showing us his smarts when he can figure things out on his own, like his surroundings, like Iliana's mother, etc. I didn't expect him to be that quick, given his background, but if he's book-smart I think it's interesting that we also see he's got common sense.
I've just had a thought - maybe I've been watching too much Game of Thrones - but what happened to the rest of the guard? Did we address that in the earlier chapter? Shouldn't there be an army of some sort here to protect the King and Queen? Shouldn't they be willing to defend the prince? If I were him I would've sought them out first. I know a lot of people died in the previous chapter but it's been awhile since I read it and I"m sure the assassin couldn't have killed the entire King's guard. I'm sorry if I seem like I'm trying to point out plot holes - they really aren't plot holes. I just feel like it needs to be addressed again if it hasn't already.
The turn this story took in the chapter 2 wasn't what I expected. While I liked learning about Rhea, the plot with Iliana felt like it came up and over too quickly. It also seems like a bizarre thing for her to go through so much trouble for in the prior chapter - I thought for sure she was part of a larger huge conspiracy, but it turns out she was just wondering about her Mom. Why couldn't she have asked a servant in the servant quarters during the daytime hours? Pretend to be a servant to get in and ask? Unsure. Don't get me wrong though, I did like the way you developed the scene between Iliana and the prince. I liked how the interacted and how their relationship grew.
With the ending, again, I'm not sure I believe it. What about the rest of the nobles? The rest of the court (Lords and Ladies)? Even if they were keeping it hush-hush because they were part of a conspiracy, what about the guards/army/King's guard/servants? The lower classes that work in the castle? The groundskeepers? There are a lot of people that have to keep their mouths shut and a lot of people that assassin would've had to have killed to keep quiet.
Maybe my problem is that I'm thinking on such a large scale. Perhaps establishing how big the kingdom is would help me - if it's very small and modest, I might believe it more. But I have no idea how many people are involved in the keeping of the castle or how many people are involved in the court. While I'm not opposed to ambiguity, I think by this point solidifying that would work better. Again, though, my memory is a bit fuzzy on the last chapter and I really really super duper apologize to you if I'm just asking questions that have already been answered :[
Despite some of the stuff I'd like explained more, this story does a really good job with clear style and narration. I appreciate the editing that went into the presentation and I'm enjoying the pace. I look forward to where it might lead, and things are progressing rather mysteriously. This story so far as avoided any cliches in my opinion, and seems to be developing in an unforeseen direction, so I like that too! Keep it up!
8/14/2012 c1 lookingwest
From the Roadhouse (return 1 of 1)
As I read...
I think the "rectangular window" in the second paragraph is an unneeded description. I think if the window was oval or circular *then* you could describe it, but more often than not, a window is always square/rectangular. So it's kind of the assumption of the reader before you say anything else. Would take out that word as the first and second paragraphs are already full of lush description and you don't want to veer onto the path of purple prose. Cut as much as you can to still keep the language vibrant. I did enjoy the image of the narrator looking down from the tower into night, though, and the inclusion details of it being "eerie".
You almost have nine paragraphs in a row that start with "I". Maybe try to rearrange some of them when the paragraphs get a little shorter, as I found it distracting. Having also written in the first person, I know it can be hard to rearrange things, so this is just a stylistic note, you can do with it as you will.
Hmm. Well. In the third paragraph I thought the narrator was talking about being a prisoner. But then it turns out around the fourth paragraph, that they're just a teenager complaining about their really privileged life. I mean - as it turns out, they'll even get to leave when they turn 18, so it's not like they're trapped there *forever*. It immediately made it hard for me to sympathize or relate to them. Yes, it can be sad that they are stuck there until they come of age, but they probably only have a few more years to wait until they're free to do what they want, and since we don't know as readers how bad/good the rest of the world outside the tower can be, they seem a bit spoiled. Then again, this could be an accurate portrayal of characters in the narrator's age group (still a bit hazy but we know they're under 18), as being kind of impatient.
Ah, a prince? Odd that he doesn't get to go out and do hunting activities or even learn to horse-ride. I would've assumed a princess would be stuck inside cloistered up in a tower - but now I'm kind of even less likely to believe that he really can't go outside. The time period suggests to me that a lot of gendered stereotypes are still around (if we have princes and princesses in this world), and it's highly unlikely a man wouldn't be learning how to do outdoor activities that are proper for someone in the aristocracy. Still though - I presume too much about your setting and we haven't gotten too far into the story yet. Sorry about that!
Remember that if they're inside, "ground" should always be "floor".
"Mother? Fath-" [and EM Dash instead of a hyphen here]
Good image with the blood at his feet in the tower - it's very reminiscent of Bluebeard's bloody chamber and that fairy tale. This story plot-wise has already taken a turn I wasn't expecting (I knew the prince would escape, but to have both his parents dead before he does was something I didn't see coming).
Ah, I like that Sein does come to terms with his earlier wishes to be free of the tower. He does seem to see the errors of his ways in that respect, so I applaud you for that. It's not often that characters, especially if main characters, have flaws that are later recognized by themselves and reckoned with, etc. I liked those details. I also liked this inclusion of Iliana. While I wasn't surprised by her presence and her mysterious auras and stuff, I am curious to see just what all of this is about, and I'm also thankful that this story jumped right into the action. Great way to start for a first chapter and it really pulled me in!
From the Roadhouse (return 1 of 1)
As I read...
I think the "rectangular window" in the second paragraph is an unneeded description. I think if the window was oval or circular *then* you could describe it, but more often than not, a window is always square/rectangular. So it's kind of the assumption of the reader before you say anything else. Would take out that word as the first and second paragraphs are already full of lush description and you don't want to veer onto the path of purple prose. Cut as much as you can to still keep the language vibrant. I did enjoy the image of the narrator looking down from the tower into night, though, and the inclusion details of it being "eerie".
You almost have nine paragraphs in a row that start with "I". Maybe try to rearrange some of them when the paragraphs get a little shorter, as I found it distracting. Having also written in the first person, I know it can be hard to rearrange things, so this is just a stylistic note, you can do with it as you will.
Hmm. Well. In the third paragraph I thought the narrator was talking about being a prisoner. But then it turns out around the fourth paragraph, that they're just a teenager complaining about their really privileged life. I mean - as it turns out, they'll even get to leave when they turn 18, so it's not like they're trapped there *forever*. It immediately made it hard for me to sympathize or relate to them. Yes, it can be sad that they are stuck there until they come of age, but they probably only have a few more years to wait until they're free to do what they want, and since we don't know as readers how bad/good the rest of the world outside the tower can be, they seem a bit spoiled. Then again, this could be an accurate portrayal of characters in the narrator's age group (still a bit hazy but we know they're under 18), as being kind of impatient.
Ah, a prince? Odd that he doesn't get to go out and do hunting activities or even learn to horse-ride. I would've assumed a princess would be stuck inside cloistered up in a tower - but now I'm kind of even less likely to believe that he really can't go outside. The time period suggests to me that a lot of gendered stereotypes are still around (if we have princes and princesses in this world), and it's highly unlikely a man wouldn't be learning how to do outdoor activities that are proper for someone in the aristocracy. Still though - I presume too much about your setting and we haven't gotten too far into the story yet. Sorry about that!
Remember that if they're inside, "ground" should always be "floor".
"Mother? Fath-" [and EM Dash instead of a hyphen here]
Good image with the blood at his feet in the tower - it's very reminiscent of Bluebeard's bloody chamber and that fairy tale. This story plot-wise has already taken a turn I wasn't expecting (I knew the prince would escape, but to have both his parents dead before he does was something I didn't see coming).
Ah, I like that Sein does come to terms with his earlier wishes to be free of the tower. He does seem to see the errors of his ways in that respect, so I applaud you for that. It's not often that characters, especially if main characters, have flaws that are later recognized by themselves and reckoned with, etc. I liked those details. I also liked this inclusion of Iliana. While I wasn't surprised by her presence and her mysterious auras and stuff, I am curious to see just what all of this is about, and I'm also thankful that this story jumped right into the action. Great way to start for a first chapter and it really pulled me in!
8/13/2012 c2 1esthaelum
eep i loved this chapter too! i really felt for iliana because tbh i was even close to tears when she found out her mother was dead. (then again i cry very easily so yeah...) i love her personality so far. she seems like a very sweet and kind girl and i am really looking forward to seeing her and sein interact even more BECAUSE I JUST HAVE THIS GUT FEELING THAT THERE IS ROMANCE BETWEEN THEM. sein does seem to be complimenting her looks vaguely and that's always a good sign right?
speaking of sein, i do love how selfless he is. he's blaming himself for everything - even iliana's grief over her dead mother. now, sometimes, it gets annoying when a character keeps doing that, but i think it really fits sein's character well. he's a prince who's been isolated for most of his life, therefore he wouldn't have interacted with too many people. so he would have been used to perhaps relying on himself or something, so it's only natural for him to put everything on his shoulders. plus, i love him so i can't hate anything about his character.
but he is imperfect. i can tell that being a prince, he has this stubborn sense of pride. such as when he didn't comfort iliana when she was crying and when he felt ashamed to have her see him cry. now that he's not stuck in the palace anymore, it should be nice to see how he loosens up in the outside world. i can't wait for the next chapter so pretty please update soon! :D
1esthaelumeep i loved this chapter too! i really felt for iliana because tbh i was even close to tears when she found out her mother was dead. (then again i cry very easily so yeah...) i love her personality so far. she seems like a very sweet and kind girl and i am really looking forward to seeing her and sein interact even more BECAUSE I JUST HAVE THIS GUT FEELING THAT THERE IS ROMANCE BETWEEN THEM. sein does seem to be complimenting her looks vaguely and that's always a good sign right?
speaking of sein, i do love how selfless he is. he's blaming himself for everything - even iliana's grief over her dead mother. now, sometimes, it gets annoying when a character keeps doing that, but i think it really fits sein's character well. he's a prince who's been isolated for most of his life, therefore he wouldn't have interacted with too many people. so he would have been used to perhaps relying on himself or something, so it's only natural for him to put everything on his shoulders. plus, i love him so i can't hate anything about his character.
but he is imperfect. i can tell that being a prince, he has this stubborn sense of pride. such as when he didn't comfort iliana when she was crying and when he felt ashamed to have her see him cry. now that he's not stuck in the palace anymore, it should be nice to see how he loosens up in the outside world. i can't wait for the next chapter so pretty please update soon! :D
8/13/2012 c1 esthaelum
oooh this is the kind of story that i usually enjoy so i will definitely be reading more of this! :D
wow.
just wow.
OKAY. THIS. THIS WAS GOOD. VERY GOOD. and i'm seriously not just saying that to be nice or anything - i mean it. THIS. IS. GOOD.
i LOVED everything! from how you introduced sein at the start, telling us what kind of prince he is, getting us used to his personality - and then BAM there's an assassin WHO I HAVE TO SAY WAS BADASS BECAUSE OF THE RHYMES. i cannot rhyme for my life, so i was really impressed to see you do it for all of his dialogue and it didn't sound forced or awkward or anything. you wrote the atmosphere so perfectly and i could feel how the prince was scared (and probably thinking WTF because of the random rhyming assassin).
and then the death of his parents! such good description on the blood and his numbness when he found their bodies! it was so realistic of sein to not be able to cry or anything because i would imagine that he's too shocked. it must be horrible to lose everything all in one night... :(
I HOPE HE AND ILIANA END UP AS GOOD FRIENDS OR SOMETHING. *cough* i like romance *cough*
you have made me really like sein already. i think it was because of this part:
"They didn't deserve this. This is cruel, mindless slaughter. They're dead because they worked here, because they served me! And I didn't even want them around."
- i see that he's not one of those spoilt and mean princes. which means that i already love him. i have a really soft spot for princes - especially ones who have his personality. i'm in love.
I REALLY ENJOYED THIS. I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT I WILL NOW BE FOLLOWING THIS STORY.
oooh this is the kind of story that i usually enjoy so i will definitely be reading more of this! :D
wow.
just wow.
OKAY. THIS. THIS WAS GOOD. VERY GOOD. and i'm seriously not just saying that to be nice or anything - i mean it. THIS. IS. GOOD.
i LOVED everything! from how you introduced sein at the start, telling us what kind of prince he is, getting us used to his personality - and then BAM there's an assassin WHO I HAVE TO SAY WAS BADASS BECAUSE OF THE RHYMES. i cannot rhyme for my life, so i was really impressed to see you do it for all of his dialogue and it didn't sound forced or awkward or anything. you wrote the atmosphere so perfectly and i could feel how the prince was scared (and probably thinking WTF because of the random rhyming assassin).
and then the death of his parents! such good description on the blood and his numbness when he found their bodies! it was so realistic of sein to not be able to cry or anything because i would imagine that he's too shocked. it must be horrible to lose everything all in one night... :(
I HOPE HE AND ILIANA END UP AS GOOD FRIENDS OR SOMETHING. *cough* i like romance *cough*
you have made me really like sein already. i think it was because of this part:
"They didn't deserve this. This is cruel, mindless slaughter. They're dead because they worked here, because they served me! And I didn't even want them around."
- i see that he's not one of those spoilt and mean princes. which means that i already love him. i have a really soft spot for princes - especially ones who have his personality. i'm in love.
I REALLY ENJOYED THIS. I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT I WILL NOW BE FOLLOWING THIS STORY.
8/13/2012 c1 1Froggylover4281
I really enjoyed this chapter. I loved how you gave very interesting descriptions, and I definitely didn't expect that madman to come in and attack. Iliana seems a bit odd to me, and I have this feeling she's going to... I dunno, nurture him to death, or something. Near the 1/4 mark I felt like you were just dragging this chapter oand on and on... to me, descriptive writing can bore me if it's too descriptive. Otherwise, good job! )
1Froggylover4281I really enjoyed this chapter. I loved how you gave very interesting descriptions, and I definitely didn't expect that madman to come in and attack. Iliana seems a bit odd to me, and I have this feeling she's going to... I dunno, nurture him to death, or something. Near the 1/4 mark I felt like you were just dragging this chapter oand on and on... to me, descriptive writing can bore me if it's too descriptive. Otherwise, good job! )
8/13/2012 c1 2Ghost Divsion
I like the descriptiveness that you give to the castle and each and every event. It helps me get a feel for what those scenes must look like. I also like the character of Iliana. She breaks the stereotype of medieval women just being subservient towards the men. It's a refreshing change of pace. However, I hope that Sein's character improves by leaps and bounds, because at the moment he is very one dimensional and hard to relate to. Other than that, it's all good.
2Ghost DivsionI like the descriptiveness that you give to the castle and each and every event. It helps me get a feel for what those scenes must look like. I also like the character of Iliana. She breaks the stereotype of medieval women just being subservient towards the men. It's a refreshing change of pace. However, I hope that Sein's character improves by leaps and bounds, because at the moment he is very one dimensional and hard to relate to. Other than that, it's all good.
8/12/2012 c1 63RedactedNoLongerWriting
A minor nitpick: I think if you plan on having him pass out at the end, and given his current tendency to pass out, it'd probably make more sense for him to be in front or at least tied to her somehow 'cause it'd do him more harm than good if he just happened to fall off the horse after that day's adventures, haha. I think you could have Iliana at least suggest it easily enough and it wouldn't be an issue. That was just the first thing I thought of when he got on the horse and wrapped his arms around her: that wouldn't last long if he was unconscious again.
I think you do a good job showing the relative youth of the narrator throughout this chapter. I get the sense that he's physically old enough but emotionally/mentally immature. Not like childish, per se, but inexperienced to the point of not knowing how to react to things you or I might react to in that same situation. It's well-executed for his backstory.
The writing/descriptions here were a little dense for my liking. I know it's all just preference, but some of the descriptions, like the moonbeam paragraphs at the beginning of this chapter, were a little excessive at times. Once you got into the action, it smoothed out a bit, I think, so maybe it's just a problem of the opening not hooking me very well. I liked the ending, though. The pace picked up and there was the action and danger I look forward to in fantasy.
A decent start for this story, overall. Thanks for checking out my story. :)
63RedactedNoLongerWritingA minor nitpick: I think if you plan on having him pass out at the end, and given his current tendency to pass out, it'd probably make more sense for him to be in front or at least tied to her somehow 'cause it'd do him more harm than good if he just happened to fall off the horse after that day's adventures, haha. I think you could have Iliana at least suggest it easily enough and it wouldn't be an issue. That was just the first thing I thought of when he got on the horse and wrapped his arms around her: that wouldn't last long if he was unconscious again.
I think you do a good job showing the relative youth of the narrator throughout this chapter. I get the sense that he's physically old enough but emotionally/mentally immature. Not like childish, per se, but inexperienced to the point of not knowing how to react to things you or I might react to in that same situation. It's well-executed for his backstory.
The writing/descriptions here were a little dense for my liking. I know it's all just preference, but some of the descriptions, like the moonbeam paragraphs at the beginning of this chapter, were a little excessive at times. Once you got into the action, it smoothed out a bit, I think, so maybe it's just a problem of the opening not hooking me very well. I liked the ending, though. The pace picked up and there was the action and danger I look forward to in fantasy.
A decent start for this story, overall. Thanks for checking out my story. :)
8/11/2012 c1 3thenutrunningthenuthouse
This was a very impressive first chapter. I think the part I liked the most about it was the description. It was eloquent, and I particularly enjoyed the first paragraph that talked about the moonlight. It was intriguing, and set up a fitting atmosphere for the strange events that took hold afterwards.
Some lines I liked in particular were:
[If there had been a book nearby, I would have checked to see if the moonlight was bright enough to read by.] - I like how practical the description is. I like how the whole description isn't metaphors, but something relatable that most readers will recognize in order to form the picture.
[There was a malevolent aura about him that unsettled me and gripped my heart in tense vice, telling me that panic building within me was not unwarranted.] - I just love all the diction in this sentence.
I think in particular the character that really stood out for me was the assassin. I like how he had this strange MO and would talk in rhyme. It made him creepy, but it also worked in an almost silly way, then contrasted against the job he was sent to do added a strangely many layers to character with such a small (in terms of lines mentioned) part in the story. Prince Sein right now seems like a pretty typical bitter prince, but of course we can't develop them all in the first chapter. I could see him developing from his adventure he's about to go on.
The only constructive criticism I can think of is the realistic-ness of the prince's narrative voice. I know he may be a prince, but I don't think most teenage boys talk like that. It's really a stylistic choice - since he's royalty it can be excused, but just note it if you want a more realistic voice.
Nice job!
nutrunningthenuthouse, RH
3thenutrunningthenuthouseThis was a very impressive first chapter. I think the part I liked the most about it was the description. It was eloquent, and I particularly enjoyed the first paragraph that talked about the moonlight. It was intriguing, and set up a fitting atmosphere for the strange events that took hold afterwards.
Some lines I liked in particular were:
[If there had been a book nearby, I would have checked to see if the moonlight was bright enough to read by.] - I like how practical the description is. I like how the whole description isn't metaphors, but something relatable that most readers will recognize in order to form the picture.
[There was a malevolent aura about him that unsettled me and gripped my heart in tense vice, telling me that panic building within me was not unwarranted.] - I just love all the diction in this sentence.
I think in particular the character that really stood out for me was the assassin. I like how he had this strange MO and would talk in rhyme. It made him creepy, but it also worked in an almost silly way, then contrasted against the job he was sent to do added a strangely many layers to character with such a small (in terms of lines mentioned) part in the story. Prince Sein right now seems like a pretty typical bitter prince, but of course we can't develop them all in the first chapter. I could see him developing from his adventure he's about to go on.
The only constructive criticism I can think of is the realistic-ness of the prince's narrative voice. I know he may be a prince, but I don't think most teenage boys talk like that. It's really a stylistic choice - since he's royalty it can be excused, but just note it if you want a more realistic voice.
Nice job!
nutrunningthenuthouse, RH
8/10/2012 c1 1Marc Reid
Greetings from the Roadhouse! Starting this as it seems interesting enough concept, plus actually grabbed me to read unlike some others. Please return own views to my story, Grandmaster of Theft!
For fun, I'm going to see how long I make this review rhyme
My first criticism is how you open this book
I think that you need a more exciting hook
Because two paragraphs of sensory description
Is not the best way to start this transcription
It was wise to start out with an instant collision
My choice to read was no longer indecision
As for the character in question and his pension for rhyme
Well, clearly reading it gave me a merry old time!
As for the characters at the core of it all
Both the Prince and Iliana are right on the ball
There interactions are nice, with plenty potential to grow
Though again, the assassin, he STOLE the show!
On the side of description, you may overdo it a bit
But your sensory skills are quite the hit
As a whole, I must say, so far, so good
You really opened this story as one should
1Marc ReidGreetings from the Roadhouse! Starting this as it seems interesting enough concept, plus actually grabbed me to read unlike some others. Please return own views to my story, Grandmaster of Theft!
For fun, I'm going to see how long I make this review rhyme
My first criticism is how you open this book
I think that you need a more exciting hook
Because two paragraphs of sensory description
Is not the best way to start this transcription
It was wise to start out with an instant collision
My choice to read was no longer indecision
As for the character in question and his pension for rhyme
Well, clearly reading it gave me a merry old time!
As for the characters at the core of it all
Both the Prince and Iliana are right on the ball
There interactions are nice, with plenty potential to grow
Though again, the assassin, he STOLE the show!
On the side of description, you may overdo it a bit
But your sensory skills are quite the hit
As a whole, I must say, so far, so good
You really opened this story as one should
8/9/2012 c2 1Deranged Dairy Products
I'm really liking the interactions of the characters. There might be some who don't like to get bogged down by dialogue, but I'm all for length conversations, so it was interesting to see Iliana's personality develop a bit more, even though I don't entirely agree with her motives. I'll chat about that further below. I felt like the Prince had greater warmth in this chapter, which made tolerating his more angsty moments a lot easier than in the first chapter. I enjoyed the lines 'I wanted to console her some way, but my own bereavement would not allow it. Just as I was alone in my pain, she was alone in hers' as it clearly shows both sides of his personal coin. Ryker looks to be a berserker of some sort, which is always a good thing.
Your writing is certainly well developed, with your vocabulary thicker than Roget's, though I do think you need to be careful of not being too wordy. Some sentences felt a little longer than necessary, and while it's great to exercise the vast possibilities of the English language, sometimes it can result in things sounding verbose. Brevity is the soul of wit, after all, so sometimes shorter, more basic sentences can be the most effective. The way a person lifts these sentences from basic to brilliant is usually with descriptive writing rather than lengthy words and tonnes of information, and when you did this throughout the chapter it certainly was noticeable. 'My mind probably had a role in it too, trying to elude reality for as long as possible' for example. Simple language, but a more complex image. I think you could afford to throw more of these instances about the place, so we receive the same amount of information in a shorter time frame, yet without sacrificing the depth of the language.
Just some things that jumped up at me:
'into my mind like a gust of wind' - maybe something more aggressive, to reflect such traumatic memories. A stronger form of wind, perhaps? Hurricanes are angry. Also, you might not want to use two similes in such quick succession.
'my parents' bodies would flash before me, taunting and jeering at me for being too weak to save them' - maybe it could be Mr. Rhyme who appears in his thoughts, as this image doesn't paint the parents in a very positive light.
'A soft squeaking caused my head to swivel in the direction of the doorway' - if I remember correctly, it was a soft squeaking that indicated the entrance of Mr. Rhyme. Perhaps he could momentarily have a surge of panic due to the way it reminds him of this? Not necessary; just a suggestion.
'anguish searing a brand onto my heart' - I thought his other expressions of emotional agony were understandable, though I think he might be starting to over do things a little by this point. There's only so much self-pity I can take before I turn against the character.
"Why break in, then? Why not ask for an audience?" - breaking in is probably the worst way to go about things. What was her plan? To sneak into his bedroom? That sounds like the right way to go about getting oneself killed. I don't think most kings and queens and prince's appreciate having intruders, particularly commoner intruders, asking them questions in the middle of the night, and although the Prince might have answered her queries, how was she to know he would? Would it not have been smarter to just ask a servant? Wouldn't they have access to the same knowledge as the prince, possibly even greater knowledge about Rhea? I think you could find a more sensible way for the two to meet. Perhaps she could turn up and discover all the dead bodies, and then do some exploring and come across the Prince by chance, rather than because he was her target.
'a past that held no future for me, yet shaped all that I ever was' - I think he might be jumping to conclusions a little. He's still the prince, and although there are people after him, surely he would be thinking that there are those who remain loyal to him. It's not like the whole kingdom is against him, after all, and he must have been exposed to a large number of people who swore their unwavering loyalty to his father.
'You were the last one with her' - where did this knowledge sprout from?
'the queen herself selected my nannies from amongst all her subjects' - what made Rhea stand out then? I would have thought that a Nanny would have come from within the castle; someone who had been brought up their whole life specifically to deal with upbringing of royalty. Of course, I'm dealing in preconceptions here, but so will everyone else who reads your story. You might want to clearly define the difference between your royalty and standard royalty so that things like this make a bit more sense to the reader.
'If so, why not frame me for the murders of the king and queen?' - why would anyone think the prince killed his parents, poisoned the rest of the castle, and then ran off? His disliking of his royal duties might be known to some, but this doesn't seem to me like a plausibility.
'which I'd failed to notice until that moment' - he's not very observant then. Maybe you could make this one of the first things he notices.
'swinging the door open to expose a man' - I would place his physical details right after this.
'I just had three men asking if I'd seen a wounded lad around' - how do they know he's wounded? Who has seen him other than Iliana since Mr. Rhyme took a plummet? If someone caught sight of his exiting the castle, you might want to show the Prince acting surprised to the revelation. Maybe Mr. Rhyme survived?
Is that all of Iliana's secrets out of the way, or are we just scratching the surface? I was sort of hoping she would be tied in with the whole evil scheme in some way, though there's plenty of time left for things to become more apparent. Maybe her story's a little too silly to be truth. If she back-stabs the prince at some point, that would be very awesome.
1Deranged Dairy ProductsI'm really liking the interactions of the characters. There might be some who don't like to get bogged down by dialogue, but I'm all for length conversations, so it was interesting to see Iliana's personality develop a bit more, even though I don't entirely agree with her motives. I'll chat about that further below. I felt like the Prince had greater warmth in this chapter, which made tolerating his more angsty moments a lot easier than in the first chapter. I enjoyed the lines 'I wanted to console her some way, but my own bereavement would not allow it. Just as I was alone in my pain, she was alone in hers' as it clearly shows both sides of his personal coin. Ryker looks to be a berserker of some sort, which is always a good thing.
Your writing is certainly well developed, with your vocabulary thicker than Roget's, though I do think you need to be careful of not being too wordy. Some sentences felt a little longer than necessary, and while it's great to exercise the vast possibilities of the English language, sometimes it can result in things sounding verbose. Brevity is the soul of wit, after all, so sometimes shorter, more basic sentences can be the most effective. The way a person lifts these sentences from basic to brilliant is usually with descriptive writing rather than lengthy words and tonnes of information, and when you did this throughout the chapter it certainly was noticeable. 'My mind probably had a role in it too, trying to elude reality for as long as possible' for example. Simple language, but a more complex image. I think you could afford to throw more of these instances about the place, so we receive the same amount of information in a shorter time frame, yet without sacrificing the depth of the language.
Just some things that jumped up at me:
'into my mind like a gust of wind' - maybe something more aggressive, to reflect such traumatic memories. A stronger form of wind, perhaps? Hurricanes are angry. Also, you might not want to use two similes in such quick succession.
'my parents' bodies would flash before me, taunting and jeering at me for being too weak to save them' - maybe it could be Mr. Rhyme who appears in his thoughts, as this image doesn't paint the parents in a very positive light.
'A soft squeaking caused my head to swivel in the direction of the doorway' - if I remember correctly, it was a soft squeaking that indicated the entrance of Mr. Rhyme. Perhaps he could momentarily have a surge of panic due to the way it reminds him of this? Not necessary; just a suggestion.
'anguish searing a brand onto my heart' - I thought his other expressions of emotional agony were understandable, though I think he might be starting to over do things a little by this point. There's only so much self-pity I can take before I turn against the character.
"Why break in, then? Why not ask for an audience?" - breaking in is probably the worst way to go about things. What was her plan? To sneak into his bedroom? That sounds like the right way to go about getting oneself killed. I don't think most kings and queens and prince's appreciate having intruders, particularly commoner intruders, asking them questions in the middle of the night, and although the Prince might have answered her queries, how was she to know he would? Would it not have been smarter to just ask a servant? Wouldn't they have access to the same knowledge as the prince, possibly even greater knowledge about Rhea? I think you could find a more sensible way for the two to meet. Perhaps she could turn up and discover all the dead bodies, and then do some exploring and come across the Prince by chance, rather than because he was her target.
'a past that held no future for me, yet shaped all that I ever was' - I think he might be jumping to conclusions a little. He's still the prince, and although there are people after him, surely he would be thinking that there are those who remain loyal to him. It's not like the whole kingdom is against him, after all, and he must have been exposed to a large number of people who swore their unwavering loyalty to his father.
'You were the last one with her' - where did this knowledge sprout from?
'the queen herself selected my nannies from amongst all her subjects' - what made Rhea stand out then? I would have thought that a Nanny would have come from within the castle; someone who had been brought up their whole life specifically to deal with upbringing of royalty. Of course, I'm dealing in preconceptions here, but so will everyone else who reads your story. You might want to clearly define the difference between your royalty and standard royalty so that things like this make a bit more sense to the reader.
'If so, why not frame me for the murders of the king and queen?' - why would anyone think the prince killed his parents, poisoned the rest of the castle, and then ran off? His disliking of his royal duties might be known to some, but this doesn't seem to me like a plausibility.
'which I'd failed to notice until that moment' - he's not very observant then. Maybe you could make this one of the first things he notices.
'swinging the door open to expose a man' - I would place his physical details right after this.
'I just had three men asking if I'd seen a wounded lad around' - how do they know he's wounded? Who has seen him other than Iliana since Mr. Rhyme took a plummet? If someone caught sight of his exiting the castle, you might want to show the Prince acting surprised to the revelation. Maybe Mr. Rhyme survived?
Is that all of Iliana's secrets out of the way, or are we just scratching the surface? I was sort of hoping she would be tied in with the whole evil scheme in some way, though there's plenty of time left for things to become more apparent. Maybe her story's a little too silly to be truth. If she back-stabs the prince at some point, that would be very awesome.
8/8/2012 c1 Deranged Dairy Products
I'm not quite sure I understand a few things in this opening. Not in regards to plot - that's all clear - but rather in regard to the Prince's thoughts, actions, and the general make up of the castle he's in.
First up, I couldn't really get behind his moping towards the beginning. It just seemed like the petty complaints of the rich and powerful, and he comes across as self-centred despite his empathetic personality. He has food in his belly three times a day, people who cater to his every whim, and a fortune he'll eventually inherit, but still he complains about not getting to do what he wants? What about the poor peasants who sleep on crappy beds in cold huts and often go hungry? Farmers who have to perform exhausting chores from dawn to dusk, every single day, just to earn a meagre living? No one truly gets to do what they want...except kings, and he's going to be one of those one day. Shouldn't he realise that he'll be the most powerful person in the entire kingdom soon? He's the only one who can put a stop the the prejudice he hates so much, so maybe he should suck it up and persevere with not having any 'freedom' just so he can give freedom to all. With his parents dead, he should be celebrating the fact that he's now the king and can live the life he wants. Why would he mourn the loss of two people who have suppressed his desires his entire life?
Also, I'm not sure if the moon has any freedom either. Moons are tidally locked to planets, trapped even, and are forced to repeat the same cycle for billions of years. Sounds like the opposite of freedom to me.
In regards to his behaviour, why doesn't he just scream 'GUARDS! GUARDS! GUARDS!' constantly while he's being attacked? He's a member of the most important family going around, so you'd think they would have guards defending the doors to their chambers. Even if they're lax with their security, you had him waiting for help to come to him, as though the crashing of the window would draw servants to his predicament. Shouldn't he be screaming 'SERVANTS! SERVANTS! SERVANTS!' as well if he's fearing he'll bleed to death? I think you just need to make the castle a bit more realistic, because it didn't feel structured like any castle I've encountered in fantasy. Kings and queens have a multitude of guards protecting them at all times, just so rhyming psychopaths can't waltz into their room willy-nilly.
Also, with the poetic killer, why was he chosen to perform the obviously dangerous and important task of killing royalty. He seemed incredibly inept: the way he didn't wait for the prince to go back to sleep, the way he allowed the prince ample time to call for help, the way he charged forward with a dagger as though it were a lance. This can be explained if he's a madman, but why would anyone hire a madman? For regicide, only the most professional, silent, deadly hitmen should be assigned the task. Of course, if there are no guards to worry about, I suppose you could send anyone and they'd have a 50/50 chance of getting the job done.
You've utilised some expressive language throughout, especially with the trees towards the opening and the pooling parental blood, so well done there. I do think a greater sense of place could be established early on, as I'm not sure where this action is taking place. Is it in our world or another? If he's a prince, what kingdom does his family lord over? Just small bits of information here and there will allow the reader to familiarise themselves with the world of the story, which will then allow them to understand the characters and their actions more effectively.
And to attract more readers, I might suggest cutting up chapters just so people don't find themselves looking at a 5000 word block, which can be very daunting for a person on the internet. Computer screens aren't as easy to read as the pages of books, so you've got to give the reader as many breaks as possible.
I know all this review has been quite negative so far, but I think you'd be on to a good story once these issues are cleared up. Towards the end, you conjure up a good amount of curiosity, and I'm intrigued to know why the guards abandoned their posts. I would just be that bit more intrigued if their posts were in sensible positions.
I'm not quite sure I understand a few things in this opening. Not in regards to plot - that's all clear - but rather in regard to the Prince's thoughts, actions, and the general make up of the castle he's in.
First up, I couldn't really get behind his moping towards the beginning. It just seemed like the petty complaints of the rich and powerful, and he comes across as self-centred despite his empathetic personality. He has food in his belly three times a day, people who cater to his every whim, and a fortune he'll eventually inherit, but still he complains about not getting to do what he wants? What about the poor peasants who sleep on crappy beds in cold huts and often go hungry? Farmers who have to perform exhausting chores from dawn to dusk, every single day, just to earn a meagre living? No one truly gets to do what they want...except kings, and he's going to be one of those one day. Shouldn't he realise that he'll be the most powerful person in the entire kingdom soon? He's the only one who can put a stop the the prejudice he hates so much, so maybe he should suck it up and persevere with not having any 'freedom' just so he can give freedom to all. With his parents dead, he should be celebrating the fact that he's now the king and can live the life he wants. Why would he mourn the loss of two people who have suppressed his desires his entire life?
Also, I'm not sure if the moon has any freedom either. Moons are tidally locked to planets, trapped even, and are forced to repeat the same cycle for billions of years. Sounds like the opposite of freedom to me.
In regards to his behaviour, why doesn't he just scream 'GUARDS! GUARDS! GUARDS!' constantly while he's being attacked? He's a member of the most important family going around, so you'd think they would have guards defending the doors to their chambers. Even if they're lax with their security, you had him waiting for help to come to him, as though the crashing of the window would draw servants to his predicament. Shouldn't he be screaming 'SERVANTS! SERVANTS! SERVANTS!' as well if he's fearing he'll bleed to death? I think you just need to make the castle a bit more realistic, because it didn't feel structured like any castle I've encountered in fantasy. Kings and queens have a multitude of guards protecting them at all times, just so rhyming psychopaths can't waltz into their room willy-nilly.
Also, with the poetic killer, why was he chosen to perform the obviously dangerous and important task of killing royalty. He seemed incredibly inept: the way he didn't wait for the prince to go back to sleep, the way he allowed the prince ample time to call for help, the way he charged forward with a dagger as though it were a lance. This can be explained if he's a madman, but why would anyone hire a madman? For regicide, only the most professional, silent, deadly hitmen should be assigned the task. Of course, if there are no guards to worry about, I suppose you could send anyone and they'd have a 50/50 chance of getting the job done.
You've utilised some expressive language throughout, especially with the trees towards the opening and the pooling parental blood, so well done there. I do think a greater sense of place could be established early on, as I'm not sure where this action is taking place. Is it in our world or another? If he's a prince, what kingdom does his family lord over? Just small bits of information here and there will allow the reader to familiarise themselves with the world of the story, which will then allow them to understand the characters and their actions more effectively.
And to attract more readers, I might suggest cutting up chapters just so people don't find themselves looking at a 5000 word block, which can be very daunting for a person on the internet. Computer screens aren't as easy to read as the pages of books, so you've got to give the reader as many breaks as possible.
I know all this review has been quite negative so far, but I think you'd be on to a good story once these issues are cleared up. Towards the end, you conjure up a good amount of curiosity, and I'm intrigued to know why the guards abandoned their posts. I would just be that bit more intrigued if their posts were in sensible positions.
8/6/2012 c1 3CieloRayn
Great first chapter ) I love your description and your use of vocabulary. Though in the beginning at one point you left out a word, which you might need to add in. There were some other places that words were left out, but other than that great chapter ) can't wait to read more.
3CieloRaynGreat first chapter ) I love your description and your use of vocabulary. Though in the beginning at one point you left out a word, which you might need to add in. There were some other places that words were left out, but other than that great chapter ) can't wait to read more.
8/6/2012 c1 this wild abyss
From the Roadhouse:
Pacing-wise, I think you probably could have separated this into two separate chapters and gone from there, as I feel that you shoved a lot of information and plot into this one chapter, leaving me feeling that this was all a little rushed.
I also don't empathize much with your main character, as he complained about being privileged, etc. etc., which is a fairly common and overused trope in the world of fiction.
Otherwise, while a bit too dense, your writing is good.
From the Roadhouse:
Pacing-wise, I think you probably could have separated this into two separate chapters and gone from there, as I feel that you shoved a lot of information and plot into this one chapter, leaving me feeling that this was all a little rushed.
I also don't empathize much with your main character, as he complained about being privileged, etc. etc., which is a fairly common and overused trope in the world of fiction.
Otherwise, while a bit too dense, your writing is good.