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for Princess Light: A Quest Against Darkness

9/23/2012 c2 Anxious Axolotl
[The night appears into the sky as the brunette haired teenager girl stands on the tree] Very poetic opening like, but I think I needs a few minor changes. 'The night crept into the sky' makes a little more sense than it suddenly appearing, and [ the brunette haired teenager girl stands on the tree] sounds like she's on top of the tree top. Perhaps 'by' is better than 'on' in this context. I really enjoyed you dialogue and the characterisation/ character motivation. Just be careful to have a 'trigger' for things like Trinity thinking about her parents and Ms Ahern thinking about her child, otherwise it can feel a bit random. That bit about the cat was sooo sad! You really made me feel sad about that, I really hope it survives or I'll beat up those boys myself!

I found this being in present tense to be slightly odd, since usually it's only used in first person. Perhaps you should write in a past tense because you added a lot of unnecessary 'is's to you verbs, like [mystery man is stand between his enemies], that should be 'is standing' or 'stands', [ he is holds the long blade with determined eyes.] should be 'is holding' or 'holds'. I also thought that second sentence sort of sounded like he was holding the blade with his eyes, changing the wording slightly to something like 'with determination in his eyes' would make it clearer. [she is shot it toward him] should be 'shoots', [she is watch the arrow fly] should be watches, [she is raises her hands] should be 'raises'. There are more but you get the idea. Also, [Trinity said to herself on silent.] should be 'silently', not 'on silent' like a phone!

[ the auburn haired middle aged teacher ] You only need this description once, maybe you could introduce her by name so you avoid using a long description like this.

[He smiles at her. "You will find out yourself soon, Trinimoment the moment, they are locks their eyes at each other as they are not aware of noise around them except their breaths right now.] I think you forgot the second quotation mark in his speech, I couldn't work out where it ended. I also couldn't work out what [Trinimoment the moment,] was meant to be.

[Few minutes later], [Few hours later], [Few minutes later] these were all used very closely together, try to mix it up a little.

["Hello, Master Skywalker. Do you mind to take your feet off groom your desk please! And thanks" the bald haired middle aged man asks polite. (skywalker?)] I was really confused by this, I wasn't sure what the joke was exactly and if this is in third person, where did the [(skywalker?)] bit come from?

Other than those few minor things, I thought this was a good read! Only other suggestion of that you put a line breaker or asterisks between every change in setting, or it gets a bit confusing. Update soon!
8/5/2012 c1 Anxious Axolotl
Let me just say, I think you have a very good style and this flows very well. This kind of plot is used a LOT for fantasy stories, I hope you can bring some original twists to it. I did like the idea the mortal world was sort of like a tourist destination, from the line ["Have a great trip in mortal world and take care."]. But, I think the line [Nothing response back to her while the noise was erupt into the woods left her feeling so sick with worried and feared.] needs some work, I'm not really sure what you were trying to convey by it.

Goodluck with the next chapter, I hope it's a bit longer!

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