for Ta Ta11/15/2012 c1 
732Dill Wilson
I usually don't go for this sort of stuff but given that it was a prompt you hit a home run with the story. Every woman's fantasy who's ever been treated like that. Bravo for having the guts to write it.
732Dill WilsonI usually don't go for this sort of stuff but given that it was a prompt you hit a home run with the story. Every woman's fantasy who's ever been treated like that. Bravo for having the guts to write it.
11/10/2012 c1 Guest
amazing. wish this wasnt a one shot
amazing. wish this wasnt a one shot
8/8/2012 c1 1Deranged Dairy Products
Smothered by breasts. The best way to go.
Seriously, I was well entertained from start to end. I knew he was going to die, simply because of your prompt, yet I couldn't get over the feeling that it would seem unnaturally for her to commit such an act. But the way you tied it together at the end changed my mind; the act was almost suiting to the intellectual, self-driven woman that she is, even is she's also a slightly psychopathic intellectual, self-driven woman.
I thought your writing style was simple and straight forward, without any fuss, yet also easy to read and very suitable to getting the action across. Kevin was comprised of extreme traits, but he was also a believable character, so well done there. Jerks like him deserve this sort of treatment, though maybe without the luxury of breasts and a brief glimpse of vagina.
Here are something things I'd like to talk about. A few are very pedantic suggestions that I wouldn't usually bring up in a review, but since I'm your first reviewer, I thought you wouldn't mind.
"Oh my god; you look amazing!" - this is a very unique case, as it's usually the opposite I'm recommending, but you might want to capitalise the 'g' of 'god'. Also, the semi-colon could just be a comma, or even an exclamation mark.
'I took off the overcoat, his eyes widened and locked onto me' - Just placing 'As' at the start of this sentence would fix up the tense confusion.
'tight, knit blouse' - should be a hyphen instead of a comma, as tight-knit is its own word. Unless you're talking about a tight and knitted blouse.
'All it had taken was a cheesy, bestselling book of erotica' - even on this website I can't escape from that Twlight fan-fiction turned best-seller. Just noticed as well: might want to hyphenate 'bestselling'.
'Jezus H christ' - I like how the misspelling of 'Jesus works here, though the 'christ' should have a capital at its start, mainly so the Christians don't come down hard on you. Also, I would place an apostrophe at the end of 'frickin', because while it's fast becoming it's own word, it's currently still a version of 'freaking'.
"Take credit for my work, give me crappy performance reviews, make me look incompetent, spread rumors about me sleeping around, and threaten to fire me. How could I not give in to such a romantic courtship?" - hit him again!
'with fish-belly white skin and an expensive haircut' - there's been no character descriptions yet, and so far it hasn't had any detrimental effect on your story. I think you could afford to exclude it all together
'I hit his knee hard enough it brought tears to his eyes' - honestly, I like to think of myself as having a pretty high pain tolerance, but I would probably have had tears in my eyes after the third strike.
'Red ribbons painted his skin, and I tossed the rod aside' - and by this point I would be fucking bawling my eyes out.
'He was excited, likely thinking I was working out some kind of dominatrix fantasy' - one thing you can't fault the guy on: he's optimistic, even to the end.
'his seat in Hell' - I saw that before you used 'hell' without a capital earlier. Might want to change one or the other. As a man lacking spirituality, I would recommend not capitalising it. As a writer, I would recommend a capital, because 'technically' it's a place. For now. In the perfect future, it won't require a capital.
'He got what he'd asked for; I'd fucked him good' - just the same as the start. I think the opening and closing lines of most works are often strong enough by themselves that you don't need to attach them to other sentences. Replacing the semi-colon with a full stop would arguably give the line some added oomph.
A couple of commas were missing here and there, but just a fine-tooth comb reading will solve that problem for you. Cheers for the read, and good luck with the contest.
1Deranged Dairy ProductsSmothered by breasts. The best way to go.
Seriously, I was well entertained from start to end. I knew he was going to die, simply because of your prompt, yet I couldn't get over the feeling that it would seem unnaturally for her to commit such an act. But the way you tied it together at the end changed my mind; the act was almost suiting to the intellectual, self-driven woman that she is, even is she's also a slightly psychopathic intellectual, self-driven woman.
I thought your writing style was simple and straight forward, without any fuss, yet also easy to read and very suitable to getting the action across. Kevin was comprised of extreme traits, but he was also a believable character, so well done there. Jerks like him deserve this sort of treatment, though maybe without the luxury of breasts and a brief glimpse of vagina.
Here are something things I'd like to talk about. A few are very pedantic suggestions that I wouldn't usually bring up in a review, but since I'm your first reviewer, I thought you wouldn't mind.
"Oh my god; you look amazing!" - this is a very unique case, as it's usually the opposite I'm recommending, but you might want to capitalise the 'g' of 'god'. Also, the semi-colon could just be a comma, or even an exclamation mark.
'I took off the overcoat, his eyes widened and locked onto me' - Just placing 'As' at the start of this sentence would fix up the tense confusion.
'tight, knit blouse' - should be a hyphen instead of a comma, as tight-knit is its own word. Unless you're talking about a tight and knitted blouse.
'All it had taken was a cheesy, bestselling book of erotica' - even on this website I can't escape from that Twlight fan-fiction turned best-seller. Just noticed as well: might want to hyphenate 'bestselling'.
'Jezus H christ' - I like how the misspelling of 'Jesus works here, though the 'christ' should have a capital at its start, mainly so the Christians don't come down hard on you. Also, I would place an apostrophe at the end of 'frickin', because while it's fast becoming it's own word, it's currently still a version of 'freaking'.
"Take credit for my work, give me crappy performance reviews, make me look incompetent, spread rumors about me sleeping around, and threaten to fire me. How could I not give in to such a romantic courtship?" - hit him again!
'with fish-belly white skin and an expensive haircut' - there's been no character descriptions yet, and so far it hasn't had any detrimental effect on your story. I think you could afford to exclude it all together
'I hit his knee hard enough it brought tears to his eyes' - honestly, I like to think of myself as having a pretty high pain tolerance, but I would probably have had tears in my eyes after the third strike.
'Red ribbons painted his skin, and I tossed the rod aside' - and by this point I would be fucking bawling my eyes out.
'He was excited, likely thinking I was working out some kind of dominatrix fantasy' - one thing you can't fault the guy on: he's optimistic, even to the end.
'his seat in Hell' - I saw that before you used 'hell' without a capital earlier. Might want to change one or the other. As a man lacking spirituality, I would recommend not capitalising it. As a writer, I would recommend a capital, because 'technically' it's a place. For now. In the perfect future, it won't require a capital.
'He got what he'd asked for; I'd fucked him good' - just the same as the start. I think the opening and closing lines of most works are often strong enough by themselves that you don't need to attach them to other sentences. Replacing the semi-colon with a full stop would arguably give the line some added oomph.
A couple of commas were missing here and there, but just a fine-tooth comb reading will solve that problem for you. Cheers for the read, and good luck with the contest.