for Nobody8/6/2013 c2 A. Nonymous1234
I'm not sure how I came across this story, but however I did, the summary certainly caught my eye. There's a few books that surround the subject of school shootings, but they are far and wide as the subject is a tough one for all people. Never before have I seen a story that covers a student who, by the looks of things, is going to fight back. One point for originality.
So far, 'Nothing' certainly has a heavy feel to it, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. The main character's had a rough life, and thus believes she's nothing. There's a few rough grammatical errors and spelling in here, but spell check and proof reading will fix that right up.
It's still too early in the story to really offer much in depth, but I have to say, with the skill you've displayed for writing and an original premise, this story has a lot of potential, and the action that seems to tie into the plot is a promise to keep anyone reading. Keep it up!
I'm not sure how I came across this story, but however I did, the summary certainly caught my eye. There's a few books that surround the subject of school shootings, but they are far and wide as the subject is a tough one for all people. Never before have I seen a story that covers a student who, by the looks of things, is going to fight back. One point for originality.
So far, 'Nothing' certainly has a heavy feel to it, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. The main character's had a rough life, and thus believes she's nothing. There's a few rough grammatical errors and spelling in here, but spell check and proof reading will fix that right up.
It's still too early in the story to really offer much in depth, but I have to say, with the skill you've displayed for writing and an original premise, this story has a lot of potential, and the action that seems to tie into the plot is a promise to keep anyone reading. Keep it up!
1/4/2013 c2 
1frosty-skittles
This was a really good chapter. You're a very good writer! I'm looking forward to the next update!
1frosty-skittlesThis was a really good chapter. You're a very good writer! I'm looking forward to the next update!
12/28/2012 c1 2Roxy99
It's not often that a story like this catches my eye. I usually pass and rather not read stories about guns; crime in general. Yet I think "Nobody" is great so far so I hope you keep writing. Keep up the good work.
As for constructive criticism - just make sure you reread (or spell check - it shows up as a mistake) all of your pieces of writing as in 'Part 2' you have written, "She just packed her ;ife and left, no warning, nothing."
(I think you meant life instead of ;ife)
It's an easy typo to make but for a good piece of writing like this I expected a little more.
Nevertheless, I think the story and the plot is great in general and I look forward to reading more!
Roxy99
2Roxy99It's not often that a story like this catches my eye. I usually pass and rather not read stories about guns; crime in general. Yet I think "Nobody" is great so far so I hope you keep writing. Keep up the good work.
As for constructive criticism - just make sure you reread (or spell check - it shows up as a mistake) all of your pieces of writing as in 'Part 2' you have written, "She just packed her ;ife and left, no warning, nothing."
(I think you meant life instead of ;ife)
It's an easy typo to make but for a good piece of writing like this I expected a little more.
Nevertheless, I think the story and the plot is great in general and I look forward to reading more!
Roxy99
12/27/2012 c2 FloraIrmaTylee
Ohmygod. Oh I was on the edge of my seat, then halfway through I started crying. It's just your story reminds me of that shooting in the school right before Christmas and I could imagine these characters you created in a scene like this. It was Beautifal. Words can't express how I feel about this story. Thank you for writing this.
Ohmygod. Oh I was on the edge of my seat, then halfway through I started crying. It's just your story reminds me of that shooting in the school right before Christmas and I could imagine these characters you created in a scene like this. It was Beautifal. Words can't express how I feel about this story. Thank you for writing this.
10/3/2012 c1 7Wingsoflinesia
NOOOOOO! NOT A CLIFFHANGER ON THE FIRST CHAPTER! and you don't even have another one to go with it! please continue!
7WingsoflinesiaNOOOOOO! NOT A CLIFFHANGER ON THE FIRST CHAPTER! and you don't even have another one to go with it! please continue!
9/24/2012 c1 1ReadingFrenzie
I really like this, please, please, please continue, I'd love to hear more.
1ReadingFrenzieI really like this, please, please, please continue, I'd love to hear more.
8/28/2012 c1 5TheIngrid
Hello from RH (:
I really like this! I think you captured the feeling of suspnse very well. I especially liked the introduction (the first paragraph). I think it set the story up well, and also got me thinking about how these things feel fro a distance. I really liked your main charictor, because i think she was very well concidered. A realistic charictor, who told the story from an interesting point of veiw.
5TheIngridHello from RH (:
I really like this! I think you captured the feeling of suspnse very well. I especially liked the introduction (the first paragraph). I think it set the story up well, and also got me thinking about how these things feel fro a distance. I really liked your main charictor, because i think she was very well concidered. A realistic charictor, who told the story from an interesting point of veiw.
8/25/2012 c1 9Highway Unicorn
[So you can probably imagine how surprised I was when it did.] Like I said in the other story, avoid addressing the reader.
Hmm, I saw what the other reviewer said about the whole 'code red' thing, and I think you did nothing wrong. You shouldn't change it because there are different colored codes for different situations. :)
Anyways, I think this story has sure promise. You created a interesting character, and I wonder how she/he (I don't think gender has been addressed yet) will react with the shooter/gunman.
I love your very last sentence. It sent chills through my spine. :)
9Highway Unicorn[So you can probably imagine how surprised I was when it did.] Like I said in the other story, avoid addressing the reader.
Hmm, I saw what the other reviewer said about the whole 'code red' thing, and I think you did nothing wrong. You shouldn't change it because there are different colored codes for different situations. :)
Anyways, I think this story has sure promise. You created a interesting character, and I wonder how she/he (I don't think gender has been addressed yet) will react with the shooter/gunman.
I love your very last sentence. It sent chills through my spine. :)
8/8/2012 c1 LsyBlurb
This first chapter has definitely piqued my interest. I love how you take the story head-on, not wasting time with meaningless introductions. This was very refreshing for me to read.
Although this was a bit short, it left me wanting more, and I want to know what happened next, and what happened in the past. So great job! By the way, amazing job with the cliffhanger. Can't wait to read more (:
This first chapter has definitely piqued my interest. I love how you take the story head-on, not wasting time with meaningless introductions. This was very refreshing for me to read.
Although this was a bit short, it left me wanting more, and I want to know what happened next, and what happened in the past. So great job! By the way, amazing job with the cliffhanger. Can't wait to read more (:
8/7/2012 c1 76The Autumn Queen
[A big school shooting, seven killed, two injured, the shooter arrested] - the commas make it a little difficult to follow as they have two different functions. I think it would work better with a colon at the beginning; would clear things up as well, because I don't like having to re-read at that early stage just to wrap my head around a list.
["Students and staff, there is a code red, repeat, code red."] - Lol, aren't they supposed to say "this is not a drill".
You're reusing words quite frequently in some places eg. "remember teacher's name" part. Try varying your word choices a little.
I also don't like the difference in perspective from the first and the second halves. The first couple lines suggests that the narrator is almost impartial to the things the news relates - you have to remember that school hostage/shooting isn't the only thing, nor even the most common one. There was a recent thing about abuse so for me that stands out more and makes the whole narration a little...odd.
I also think you've shallowed out the back-story and emotion. THis is in present tense, but I feel like I'm watching through a sound-proof window.
[and then the girl I've known since we were five, Carrie Abbott, whimpers ] - you already gave us her full name. Don't need to do it again.
76The Autumn Queen[A big school shooting, seven killed, two injured, the shooter arrested] - the commas make it a little difficult to follow as they have two different functions. I think it would work better with a colon at the beginning; would clear things up as well, because I don't like having to re-read at that early stage just to wrap my head around a list.
["Students and staff, there is a code red, repeat, code red."] - Lol, aren't they supposed to say "this is not a drill".
You're reusing words quite frequently in some places eg. "remember teacher's name" part. Try varying your word choices a little.
I also don't like the difference in perspective from the first and the second halves. The first couple lines suggests that the narrator is almost impartial to the things the news relates - you have to remember that school hostage/shooting isn't the only thing, nor even the most common one. There was a recent thing about abuse so for me that stands out more and makes the whole narration a little...odd.
I also think you've shallowed out the back-story and emotion. THis is in present tense, but I feel like I'm watching through a sound-proof window.
[and then the girl I've known since we were five, Carrie Abbott, whimpers ] - you already gave us her full name. Don't need to do it again.
8/6/2012 c1 SkyVic
This is good. I'm happy I decided to cheek it out. Even when I could figure out that the story is written in first person (I personally don't like first person stories but you brush that off and make me enjoy reading).
I adore the suspense you brought to your readers towards the end. It got me edging closer to see what's the following scene but have a small frown when I realized it's the end of the first chapter (or part). This story is very much realistic, especially Carrie's reaction (and my react to having a twitch that she disturbed the quiet.. :P) to the main character's feelings that you can feel when you read.
Again, I like this story and your way of writing, makes it not hard to follow and everything flows smoothly, not to mention you got no error's that my eyes can see. Awesome :)
Story's gunna be under my alter for your next update. So, until next update :)
-SkyVic-
This is good. I'm happy I decided to cheek it out. Even when I could figure out that the story is written in first person (I personally don't like first person stories but you brush that off and make me enjoy reading).
I adore the suspense you brought to your readers towards the end. It got me edging closer to see what's the following scene but have a small frown when I realized it's the end of the first chapter (or part). This story is very much realistic, especially Carrie's reaction (and my react to having a twitch that she disturbed the quiet.. :P) to the main character's feelings that you can feel when you read.
Again, I like this story and your way of writing, makes it not hard to follow and everything flows smoothly, not to mention you got no error's that my eyes can see. Awesome :)
Story's gunna be under my alter for your next update. So, until next update :)
-SkyVic-