for The Sanctuary1/18/2013 c1 
1Alex The Dragon
I like the story idea and wonder what her mentor could have done.
one thing to keep in mind is to give enough information trough the story.
for example: who are the guirdians? and what is there duty? or your doing that so that people want to find out and keep reading
as i said i like the story and hope to see more in the near future. ;)
1Alex The DragonI like the story idea and wonder what her mentor could have done.
one thing to keep in mind is to give enough information trough the story.
for example: who are the guirdians? and what is there duty? or your doing that so that people want to find out and keep reading
as i said i like the story and hope to see more in the near future. ;)
9/2/2012 c1 2ohsocyanide
There's a tense change at the very beginning I think you should look at—the first two or so sentences are in present, but then you switch to past for the rest of the story. I'd just switch those first two sentences, and you'll be fine. :)
There's something about this that sort of reminds me of the Divergent trilogy, which I have loved so far. Your idea is interesting and I'd like to watch your writing evolve.
ohsocyanide.
2ohsocyanideThere's a tense change at the very beginning I think you should look at—the first two or so sentences are in present, but then you switch to past for the rest of the story. I'd just switch those first two sentences, and you'll be fine. :)
There's something about this that sort of reminds me of the Divergent trilogy, which I have loved so far. Your idea is interesting and I'd like to watch your writing evolve.
ohsocyanide.
8/16/2012 c1 TheStar41
'Whilst delivering'
'Whilst' Typo or misspelling?
'she thought.'
'she' Needs to be in caps. 'She'
The story flows nicely, It is a little choppy in areas. But it is good otherwise. The beginning confused me but as i kept reading it got better.
'Whilst delivering'
'Whilst' Typo or misspelling?
'she thought.'
'she' Needs to be in caps. 'She'
The story flows nicely, It is a little choppy in areas. But it is good otherwise. The beginning confused me but as i kept reading it got better.