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8/8/2012 c1 Anxious Axolotl
Interesting start, I'm really curious to see where you'll go with you ideas! I'd love to see some more description and get a feel for what the orphanage is like, what the town it's in is like, etc.

I was a little unsure about this, is Elise made fun of by all of the other children, or does Mandy have a particular issue with her? Also, the line [She seemed to that it made her look scary] I think is meant to read [She seemed to think that it made her look scary], but that still doesn't quite sound right coming for a first person perspective. Maybe something like [Her eyes narrowed in an attempt to look intimidating, but frankly...] (you also don't a comma between "but" and "frankly") would sound a little more natural coming from a POV.

It was a bit short, but the somewhat suspenseful note it ended on makes me want to keep an eye out for chapter 2 to see what happens! Don't forget to start a new line for every turn of dialogue, this was only a problem in the last paragraph but it did make it a bit difficult to read.

Hope the next chapter is a little longer, keep it up!

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