for Break Up in a Sunny Spot7/14/2013 c1 semantics
The story tasted like a lemon- it was kind of sour and hard to handle, very sad, but then it got sweet. It was simple and easy to read, but still managed to tug at me. Great job :-)
The story tasted like a lemon- it was kind of sour and hard to handle, very sad, but then it got sweet. It was simple and easy to read, but still managed to tug at me. Great job :-)
2/24/2013 c1 
6Miss Nemesis
The only thing I may have against this is that sometimes it is a little confusing who exactly the 'he' is, but it's still really good! I enjoyed it. :)
6Miss NemesisThe only thing I may have against this is that sometimes it is a little confusing who exactly the 'he' is, but it's still really good! I enjoyed it. :)
2/5/2013 c1 44professional griefer
I'm not a fan of the narrative voice in this, it feels stiff and unnatural, and I couldn't really get into the emotion. I would suggest loosening up a bit.
I did think you got into Adrian's thoughts about Lucas pretty well, though, he genuinely felt like a heartbroken and obsessed person.
I definitely thought that the voice was a bit of a hinderance, though.
44professional grieferI'm not a fan of the narrative voice in this, it feels stiff and unnatural, and I couldn't really get into the emotion. I would suggest loosening up a bit.
I did think you got into Adrian's thoughts about Lucas pretty well, though, he genuinely felt like a heartbroken and obsessed person.
I definitely thought that the voice was a bit of a hinderance, though.
1/14/2013 c1 2heyitsstupidme
I don't think Adrian should have taken him back, without an explanation, but it's not unrealistic the way you wrote it. For me, the mood of the story was melancholic. I really like the way you wrote it, sometimes very vague and it felt like the character's feelings were in the foreground. I enjoyed reading it. You did a very good job.
2heyitsstupidmeI don't think Adrian should have taken him back, without an explanation, but it's not unrealistic the way you wrote it. For me, the mood of the story was melancholic. I really like the way you wrote it, sometimes very vague and it felt like the character's feelings were in the foreground. I enjoyed reading it. You did a very good job.
12/4/2012 c1 LateNightTurtle
I have no frickin idea what emotions this made me feel. I don't know whether to call it cute and sweet, or sad and depressing. Whatever the hell just happened, I love it. I love it a lot.
I have no frickin idea what emotions this made me feel. I don't know whether to call it cute and sweet, or sad and depressing. Whatever the hell just happened, I love it. I love it a lot.
10/24/2012 c1 Sunnier
It had just the right touch. You made these characters that were pretty vague, but at the same time everything was clear in the way they interacted and the emotions. You didn't clutter up the story with ridiculously detailed descriptions. It was melancholy, then evn though it was a happy ending it made my stomach hurt. Great work :)
It had just the right touch. You made these characters that were pretty vague, but at the same time everything was clear in the way they interacted and the emotions. You didn't clutter up the story with ridiculously detailed descriptions. It was melancholy, then evn though it was a happy ending it made my stomach hurt. Great work :)
10/16/2012 c1 6MAH1
I liked this. It felt like there was a whole lot going on behind the scenes. It left me wondering whether Lucas really liked Adrian or if he just wanted what he couldn't have. I guess it's left up to the reader to interpret, which is nice.
This is one of those stories that are beautiful as one-shots but could also be expanded to a longer story.
I'm bad at reviews so I'm just going to say it was really good.
6MAH1I liked this. It felt like there was a whole lot going on behind the scenes. It left me wondering whether Lucas really liked Adrian or if he just wanted what he couldn't have. I guess it's left up to the reader to interpret, which is nice.
This is one of those stories that are beautiful as one-shots but could also be expanded to a longer story.
I'm bad at reviews so I'm just going to say it was really good.
9/15/2012 c1 xfffxfxfx
I love this! It really is quite good. I love the bright sensuality, and the intensity of feeling. And the sense of a story unravelling before us, unfolding before our eyes. I love the ending, not because it was good or bad, but because it was satisfying. I would have been happy with another kind as well.
I have to point out that the least convincing part of the story is the characters... everything flows so fluidly, the colours, sensations, emotions, narration; but the characters stick out. They are chunks in the soup. What it is, I think, is that your wording is so spot on...
"It's always sunny out here, between the cafeteria and the football field, between History and English class." This tells us so much - it gives us feelings of warmth and brightness, a sense of place, and a sense of time; and with all that, a sense of who these people are, and what their lives are like. Compare that to...
"Sam hands me a sandwich, Leah hands me an apple." Who are Sam and Leah? Are they happy or sad? Loving or bored? Very interested and caring about Adrian's life or just doing their jobs as friends? Is the lunch table noisy or quiet? And Sam and Leah - what's their relationship to Adrian like, in the past and in the present?
You see, with them, the sense of the story recedes. Instead of suggesting way more than they say, they suggest less than they say. They are chunks in my soup because they have to switch my brain from collecting all these rich suggestions, to trying to puzzle out who two minor characters are.
When you take the story as a whole though, they form a very very small part of it - 5% lets say. And the rest of it is just fantastic.
I love this! It really is quite good. I love the bright sensuality, and the intensity of feeling. And the sense of a story unravelling before us, unfolding before our eyes. I love the ending, not because it was good or bad, but because it was satisfying. I would have been happy with another kind as well.
I have to point out that the least convincing part of the story is the characters... everything flows so fluidly, the colours, sensations, emotions, narration; but the characters stick out. They are chunks in the soup. What it is, I think, is that your wording is so spot on...
"It's always sunny out here, between the cafeteria and the football field, between History and English class." This tells us so much - it gives us feelings of warmth and brightness, a sense of place, and a sense of time; and with all that, a sense of who these people are, and what their lives are like. Compare that to...
"Sam hands me a sandwich, Leah hands me an apple." Who are Sam and Leah? Are they happy or sad? Loving or bored? Very interested and caring about Adrian's life or just doing their jobs as friends? Is the lunch table noisy or quiet? And Sam and Leah - what's their relationship to Adrian like, in the past and in the present?
You see, with them, the sense of the story recedes. Instead of suggesting way more than they say, they suggest less than they say. They are chunks in my soup because they have to switch my brain from collecting all these rich suggestions, to trying to puzzle out who two minor characters are.
When you take the story as a whole though, they form a very very small part of it - 5% lets say. And the rest of it is just fantastic.
9/9/2012 c1 chibikodo
The not quite date rape (i guess it's drunk at a party rape?) bothers me... But what is worse is, why the heck would Adrian just let Lucas leave without getting to know why- was Lucas already cheating on the side? Contemplating what it must be like to be with someone else and so he decided to cut himself loose? Definitely feeling Adrians confusion- I get the numbness and almost depression, but the simple acceptance of Lucas coming back without at least an argument makes me wince. Adrian seems like a pushover type of guy (not necessarily a bad thing but easily taken advantage of by others).
I thought it was a well written oneshot. :)
The not quite date rape (i guess it's drunk at a party rape?) bothers me... But what is worse is, why the heck would Adrian just let Lucas leave without getting to know why- was Lucas already cheating on the side? Contemplating what it must be like to be with someone else and so he decided to cut himself loose? Definitely feeling Adrians confusion- I get the numbness and almost depression, but the simple acceptance of Lucas coming back without at least an argument makes me wince. Adrian seems like a pushover type of guy (not necessarily a bad thing but easily taken advantage of by others).
I thought it was a well written oneshot. :)
8/28/2012 c1 liriah
I don't think that boy deserved to get Adrian back so easily though, after what he did. But matters of the heart are complicated and I won't judge him LoL
Overall this was beautiful and your storytelling skill is very good
I don't think that boy deserved to get Adrian back so easily though, after what he did. But matters of the heart are complicated and I won't judge him LoL
Overall this was beautiful and your storytelling skill is very good
8/27/2012 c1 2theNewPollution
I appreciate the writing style of this story, blunt sentences and very to-the-point. I like that. I also felt incredibly sympathetic towards Adrian. Lucas seemed rather scummy, I was surprised he was taken back so easily. A good read! :)
2theNewPollutionI appreciate the writing style of this story, blunt sentences and very to-the-point. I like that. I also felt incredibly sympathetic towards Adrian. Lucas seemed rather scummy, I was surprised he was taken back so easily. A good read! :)
8/15/2012 c1 2GreenGrass1
Lovely! Ha, I'm glad that they make up at the end although at first I'm not quite sure that I like Lucas but as long as Adrian is happy then it's fine. Thanks for writing this.
2GreenGrass1Lovely! Ha, I'm glad that they make up at the end although at first I'm not quite sure that I like Lucas but as long as Adrian is happy then it's fine. Thanks for writing this.
8/14/2012 c1 6Kidwiththecap
This is pretty good. I want to know why he broke up with him But I guess since Adrain doesn't know, the reader can't know.
6KidwiththecapThis is pretty good. I want to know why he broke up with him But I guess since Adrain doesn't know, the reader can't know.
8/13/2012 c1 nffhkasjfnbsdkjb
Aw, this is sad...I kinda didn't want him to get back with Lucas after how he treated him, just to get over him and move on...but honestly I think it's quite realistic like this...there can be no truly happy ending.
Thank you for this
Sukix
Aw, this is sad...I kinda didn't want him to get back with Lucas after how he treated him, just to get over him and move on...but honestly I think it's quite realistic like this...there can be no truly happy ending.
Thank you for this
Sukix
8/11/2012 c1 5goudacheese
I already told you that I really like this! But - let me tell you again - I really like this. Like I said, I love the way you use the repetition in this story; it just makes everything kind of ... hit harder, I dunno. makes it all more touching and poignant.
I'M JUST WONDERING WHY LUCAS EVEN DUMPED HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE. Like, come on, man, and then he just comes back a few days or weeks or however much time has passed later? Poor Adrian :(
There are so many lines in this that I love, like. "I'm sorry should be soothing, not a fucking punch in the gut." I like how ... angry it is, and at the same time so sad. and then I love the whole - "I don't like him and the way he etc etc, but I love him and that's not the same" part, because it's just - it's so relatable, in a way. People feel like that all the time, like, you can't help loving someone even if you hate so many of the things that they do or are doing at the time and stuff, I dunno.
AND THEN AT THE END, WITH THE - "I sit in my shadowy spot between the gym building and the parking lot, between History and English, when a sun shines down on me" instead of the sunny spot from before and how it all turned around and just. God, I love what you did with this whole thing. I love this whole thing. This was so, so good :*
5goudacheeseI already told you that I really like this! But - let me tell you again - I really like this. Like I said, I love the way you use the repetition in this story; it just makes everything kind of ... hit harder, I dunno. makes it all more touching and poignant.
I'M JUST WONDERING WHY LUCAS EVEN DUMPED HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE. Like, come on, man, and then he just comes back a few days or weeks or however much time has passed later? Poor Adrian :(
There are so many lines in this that I love, like. "I'm sorry should be soothing, not a fucking punch in the gut." I like how ... angry it is, and at the same time so sad. and then I love the whole - "I don't like him and the way he etc etc, but I love him and that's not the same" part, because it's just - it's so relatable, in a way. People feel like that all the time, like, you can't help loving someone even if you hate so many of the things that they do or are doing at the time and stuff, I dunno.
AND THEN AT THE END, WITH THE - "I sit in my shadowy spot between the gym building and the parking lot, between History and English, when a sun shines down on me" instead of the sunny spot from before and how it all turned around and just. God, I love what you did with this whole thing. I love this whole thing. This was so, so good :*