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for Beyond This Earthly Realm

8/16/2012 c1 76The Autumn Queen
Opening: I appreciate the image; it really does give a water-color effect. I do think though you've made it a little too wordy though. Eg. [They stood silently atop the rise, watching.] The "stood" is a bit of a give, not particularly necessary.

Dialogue: I find it a little stiff and formal to be honest. Doesn't really fit into the soldier routine. On the other hand, the conversation about the fool towards the end was beautiful. Really touching.

Setting: I like the juxtaposition between nature and the machine. It really brings out both images. I think it may have worked better with a firmer transition though. I barely realised when it happened. A tad too subtle in this case, and the descriptors do move quite fast though, even when they're out of the module.

Ending: Definitely interesting, talking to home/the world. I think it could use a speaker tag though, something to make it look a little less disconnected.

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