for Black Butterfly (deleted)8/18/2013 c1 
6ZekeFreek
Okay, I knew something was wrong as soon as I saw just how errors were in the summary alone. And the chapter that followed did nothing to persuade me otherwise.
Simply put, there's just a ton of spelling and grammatically errors littered throughout. Ordinarily, I wouldn't harp on them too much, I'm guilty of it on occasion as well but damn, it's just so much. I started thinking I would list all the errors but after a few paragraphs I gave up counting altogether, if I tried showing every example I would basically just copy and paste most of the chapter.
As far as the actual story was concerned, the idea seems interesting if a bit cliche. There isn't a whole lot to go in from this chapter but I suppose it is just a prologue afterall.
6ZekeFreekOkay, I knew something was wrong as soon as I saw just how errors were in the summary alone. And the chapter that followed did nothing to persuade me otherwise.
Simply put, there's just a ton of spelling and grammatically errors littered throughout. Ordinarily, I wouldn't harp on them too much, I'm guilty of it on occasion as well but damn, it's just so much. I started thinking I would list all the errors but after a few paragraphs I gave up counting altogether, if I tried showing every example I would basically just copy and paste most of the chapter.
As far as the actual story was concerned, the idea seems interesting if a bit cliche. There isn't a whole lot to go in from this chapter but I suppose it is just a prologue afterall.
8/17/2013 c2 9cmaej
The fact that red-headed man wanted the blonde girl to scream in pain effectively portrayed his sadism. I also like the small fight between Mikoto and Hakari. Arguments between friends is a reality that most writers miss. I'm guessing that the poor store clerk was killed by that monster guy. How sad.
9cmaejThe fact that red-headed man wanted the blonde girl to scream in pain effectively portrayed his sadism. I also like the small fight between Mikoto and Hakari. Arguments between friends is a reality that most writers miss. I'm guessing that the poor store clerk was killed by that monster guy. How sad.
8/17/2013 c1 cmaej
Nice start. I was worried that you'd focus too much on building the premise, but you switched into action and dialogue with good timing. It does remind me of a video game, though.
Nice start. I was worried that you'd focus too much on building the premise, but you switched into action and dialogue with good timing. It does remind me of a video game, though.
2/18/2013 c6 1bradpara
Glad to see you writing again. Another well done fight scene and a nice subpolt about a possible ally in the police. Looking foward to a little more explination please write again soon
1bradparaGlad to see you writing again. Another well done fight scene and a nice subpolt about a possible ally in the police. Looking foward to a little more explination please write again soon
2/17/2013 c5 TheFreeEdge
Ahem, nit-picking here but the way things played, Mikoto would've been charge with attempted homicide or something. The man got stabbed. It doesn't matter if he was a criminal, he could've died. Even in self-defense, it would still be a crime.
Aaaanyway, looks like our lazy girl here's quite a badass! But the question is, what changed her? Why is she now a lazy smart girl? Why do all the guys find that hot?
Ahem, nit-picking here but the way things played, Mikoto would've been charge with attempted homicide or something. The man got stabbed. It doesn't matter if he was a criminal, he could've died. Even in self-defense, it would still be a crime.
Aaaanyway, looks like our lazy girl here's quite a badass! But the question is, what changed her? Why is she now a lazy smart girl? Why do all the guys find that hot?
2/17/2013 c4 TheFreeEdge
To be honest, if I saw a guys stab another guy, I'd think of him as a killer, no matter how nice he is. That's probably just me.
Hah! His name really was Koga! And you know, he's that guy every girl wants because yade yade yada... Little did they know that he's a KILLER!
And it's spelled 'principal', not 'principle'. I point this out because you made the mistake twice and y'know? It can't be a typo if it was done twice.
To be honest, if I saw a guys stab another guy, I'd think of him as a killer, no matter how nice he is. That's probably just me.
Hah! His name really was Koga! And you know, he's that guy every girl wants because yade yade yada... Little did they know that he's a KILLER!
And it's spelled 'principal', not 'principle'. I point this out because you made the mistake twice and y'know? It can't be a typo if it was done twice.
2/17/2013 c3 TheFreeEdge
Those bolded flashbacks... I'm thinking Mikoto is the reincarnation of the Black Butterfly? Or maybe big sword guy because that'll be funny.
"Wow, you're a lot heavier than you look."
Looking for a deathwish, my friend? If she were awake, she'd bite your head off!
Ahem, did you just reveal the boy's name as Koga? You didn't explicitly say it before and you only put it in once as a dialogue text but it kinda feels off.
Those bolded flashbacks... I'm thinking Mikoto is the reincarnation of the Black Butterfly? Or maybe big sword guy because that'll be funny.
"Wow, you're a lot heavier than you look."
Looking for a deathwish, my friend? If she were awake, she'd bite your head off!
Ahem, did you just reveal the boy's name as Koga? You didn't explicitly say it before and you only put it in once as a dialogue text but it kinda feels off.
2/17/2013 c2 TheFreeEdge
Mikoto sure sounds lazy. I wonder why she'd skip school so much? Geez. Midori and Hikari sound like your usual two friends who are not as important as the main character and will soon be demoted to extra.
Okay, Mikoto, that was pretty dumb of you to walk into the alleyway. You should always go around crowded areas if you're being chased by creepy perverts! They won't dare do anything to you if they're seen!
One dead man. Wheeeeeee! Bet he was a demon or something.
Mikoto sure sounds lazy. I wonder why she'd skip school so much? Geez. Midori and Hikari sound like your usual two friends who are not as important as the main character and will soon be demoted to extra.
Okay, Mikoto, that was pretty dumb of you to walk into the alleyway. You should always go around crowded areas if you're being chased by creepy perverts! They won't dare do anything to you if they're seen!
One dead man. Wheeeeeee! Bet he was a demon or something.
2/17/2013 c1 TheFreeEdge
Ahem, it's spelled warrior, not worrior. Just to clarify, since you made the mistake twice so I assume it's not a typo.
Nice beginning though. It raises tons of questions and would keep anyone interested.
Next chappie, next chappie...
Ahem, it's spelled warrior, not worrior. Just to clarify, since you made the mistake twice so I assume it's not a typo.
Nice beginning though. It raises tons of questions and would keep anyone interested.
Next chappie, next chappie...
2/16/2013 c2 20DevilPogoStick
And...I did not expect that. O_O
Now this story became very interesting! Can't wait to see what's going on! :)
Keep up the great work!
20DevilPogoStickAnd...I did not expect that. O_O
Now this story became very interesting! Can't wait to see what's going on! :)
Keep up the great work!
2/16/2013 c1 DevilPogoStick
I thought this was a neat intro to the story. Very interesting! :)
...Would it stay a dream is the question. XD
Keep up the great work!
I thought this was a neat intro to the story. Very interesting! :)
...Would it stay a dream is the question. XD
Keep up the great work!
2/16/2013 c5 5Y. S. Wong
Mikoto sure has quite a temper. Damn, Koga, you got your work cut out for you!
Meanwhile, the mystery deepens with the search for the Black Butterfly.
5Y. S. WongMikoto sure has quite a temper. Damn, Koga, you got your work cut out for you!
Meanwhile, the mystery deepens with the search for the Black Butterfly.
2/16/2013 c4 Y. S. Wong
"Yes, I am the best"? Cocky, Mikoto.
I lol'd at Aiwa-sensei calling her class a bunch of jerks. Totally predicted the new transfer student would be the same guy from last time, too.
And, uh-oh. Looks like Mikoto is in store for some trouble because of a misunderstanding. Lol, store. No pun intended.
"Yes, I am the best"? Cocky, Mikoto.
I lol'd at Aiwa-sensei calling her class a bunch of jerks. Totally predicted the new transfer student would be the same guy from last time, too.
And, uh-oh. Looks like Mikoto is in store for some trouble because of a misunderstanding. Lol, store. No pun intended.
2/15/2013 c3 Y. S. Wong
"Wow, you're a lot heavier than you look."
Lol, the golden rule for boys is to never say that to a woman unless you want to get your ass kicked!
Definitely some intrigue added with those guys searching for the Black Butterfly. Getting tense, indeed!
Again, the grammar needs a lot of work. I definitely recommend using some sort of Word Processor to write your story. Fixing those glaring errors will go a surprisingly long way in making your writing flow a lot smoother.
"Wow, you're a lot heavier than you look."
Lol, the golden rule for boys is to never say that to a woman unless you want to get your ass kicked!
Definitely some intrigue added with those guys searching for the Black Butterfly. Getting tense, indeed!
Again, the grammar needs a lot of work. I definitely recommend using some sort of Word Processor to write your story. Fixing those glaring errors will go a surprisingly long way in making your writing flow a lot smoother.
2/15/2013 c2 Y. S. Wong
I think your fight scenes are fine! Actually, I would say they're the best parts.
And whoa, things took a dark turn pretty quickly. You did a great job setting up that ominous mood soon as the blonde guy showed up. The random fragments of dream between narration were a nice touch too.
I think your fight scenes are fine! Actually, I would say they're the best parts.
And whoa, things took a dark turn pretty quickly. You did a great job setting up that ominous mood soon as the blonde guy showed up. The random fragments of dream between narration were a nice touch too.