for Asmodeus Dans L'Amour2/23/2013 c4 Guest
dude don't stop this story is like AMAZING
dude don't stop this story is like AMAZING
12/26/2012 c1 
19Anihyr Moonstar
I really like your opening scene. Asmodeus makes me laugh and his situation as a whole is humorous, but makes sense at the same time. I think you balanced those elements well there.
I'm a little tired of the "she/he is the only one unaffected ooooh-ooo, what's going on?" cliche. I just...eh. Okay, it's a romance, and romance is prone to cliches, but this happens to be one of the most popular ones that really grates on my nerves. I feel like a couple should be drawn to each other *because* they're drawn to each other - because their personalities click, because they're attracted to each other - not because there's something magically "special" about one/both of them. If that makes sense.
I also don't like the flip flopping between perspectives. Occasionally is totally fine, but you switch five times in one reasonably short chapter, and I feel like that's excessive since each time you switch perspectives there's a little sense of being uprooted and plopped down to see the world through, well, somene else's eyes. So too often and it starts to feel disconcerting and a bit choppy.
I think you've got an interesting premise here, though, and plenty of potential in this story. Good work so far. :)
- Moonstar
19Anihyr MoonstarI really like your opening scene. Asmodeus makes me laugh and his situation as a whole is humorous, but makes sense at the same time. I think you balanced those elements well there.
I'm a little tired of the "she/he is the only one unaffected ooooh-ooo, what's going on?" cliche. I just...eh. Okay, it's a romance, and romance is prone to cliches, but this happens to be one of the most popular ones that really grates on my nerves. I feel like a couple should be drawn to each other *because* they're drawn to each other - because their personalities click, because they're attracted to each other - not because there's something magically "special" about one/both of them. If that makes sense.
I also don't like the flip flopping between perspectives. Occasionally is totally fine, but you switch five times in one reasonably short chapter, and I feel like that's excessive since each time you switch perspectives there's a little sense of being uprooted and plopped down to see the world through, well, somene else's eyes. So too often and it starts to feel disconcerting and a bit choppy.
I think you've got an interesting premise here, though, and plenty of potential in this story. Good work so far. :)
- Moonstar
12/19/2012 c1 5Whirlymerle
[You're the owner of the Luxuria fashion line?!"] I feel like the ?! is unprofessional looking in a story. Maybe in the Manga genre, but you pretty much never see that anywhere else. I think, in general, your piece could use some more descriptions or you could make your word choice a little more significant, so that we can see the characters a little bit more. That way, your readers can get the surprise along with the question.
I do like your dialogue. I think it's humorous and sharp and flows very naturally.
5Whirlymerle[You're the owner of the Luxuria fashion line?!"] I feel like the ?! is unprofessional looking in a story. Maybe in the Manga genre, but you pretty much never see that anywhere else. I think, in general, your piece could use some more descriptions or you could make your word choice a little more significant, so that we can see the characters a little bit more. That way, your readers can get the surprise along with the question.
I do like your dialogue. I think it's humorous and sharp and flows very naturally.
12/18/2012 c3 5XeeWrites
I love the opening! I like how two paragraphs tell us so much about the character, and how relatable she is despite being in an unrelatable situation. Don't we all have that one dress that's almost impossible to put on without help? Unless you're male (I haven't read your profile), in which case, never mind. But anyway, nice opening.
I did trip over this sentence a little, though. "Vanessa opened the door and fumbled her keys." - shouldn't she have fumbled with or for the keys, rather than just fumbling them? Also, although your world is set in a parallel or alternate universe, surely the landlady would legally have to give notice before turning up out of the blue?
This sentence also threw me off: "Standing in the hallway was a man with shiny brown hair waving determinedly over his head." It took me a moment to realize it was his hair waving, not him, and I'm not quite sure how hair can 'wave determinedly'? It left me a little muddled and took me out of the story for a moment.
"Sure, but make it quick." also seems like an unusual line. Make the coffee quick? Surely they will both be drinking it, and if Vanessa has to leave half way through his coffee she can drink her own faster?
And finally, "Vanessa physically shook her head..." - unless Vanessa makes a habit of mentally shaking her head, the word physically here is necessary.
Sorry, I realize I'm picking at a lot of things. Usually I don't bother to be this finicky, but your story, and your writing, have so much potential! I really, really like your style, it's just the few things above that distracted me. Everything else, from the pacing to the characterizations, was well done. While it's definitely not a genre I would usually read, I can see this story, and/or your future work, becoming very popular c:
5XeeWritesI love the opening! I like how two paragraphs tell us so much about the character, and how relatable she is despite being in an unrelatable situation. Don't we all have that one dress that's almost impossible to put on without help? Unless you're male (I haven't read your profile), in which case, never mind. But anyway, nice opening.
I did trip over this sentence a little, though. "Vanessa opened the door and fumbled her keys." - shouldn't she have fumbled with or for the keys, rather than just fumbling them? Also, although your world is set in a parallel or alternate universe, surely the landlady would legally have to give notice before turning up out of the blue?
This sentence also threw me off: "Standing in the hallway was a man with shiny brown hair waving determinedly over his head." It took me a moment to realize it was his hair waving, not him, and I'm not quite sure how hair can 'wave determinedly'? It left me a little muddled and took me out of the story for a moment.
"Sure, but make it quick." also seems like an unusual line. Make the coffee quick? Surely they will both be drinking it, and if Vanessa has to leave half way through his coffee she can drink her own faster?
And finally, "Vanessa physically shook her head..." - unless Vanessa makes a habit of mentally shaking her head, the word physically here is necessary.
Sorry, I realize I'm picking at a lot of things. Usually I don't bother to be this finicky, but your story, and your writing, have so much potential! I really, really like your style, it's just the few things above that distracted me. Everything else, from the pacing to the characterizations, was well done. While it's definitely not a genre I would usually read, I can see this story, and/or your future work, becoming very popular c:
12/18/2012 c3 44professional griefer
I really loved the dialogue in this chapter, everything felt very organic and I thought it worked quite well. I think you characterized Kyle well from his dialogue too.
I didn't like how you had the short Asmo part at the end, I thought it was too short to be relevant in the chapter and you could have included it in the next. I just felt like you could have ended it at Vanessa's part and it would be more compelling.
This is kind of a RomCom cliche, but you're making it work very nicely and it's original enough that even though it's kind of in the stereotype it feels new.
I also like how you included Asmo thinking about fashion, it kind of amused me and was a nice thing to add even if it's not really relevant to the plot.
Great work!
44professional grieferI really loved the dialogue in this chapter, everything felt very organic and I thought it worked quite well. I think you characterized Kyle well from his dialogue too.
I didn't like how you had the short Asmo part at the end, I thought it was too short to be relevant in the chapter and you could have included it in the next. I just felt like you could have ended it at Vanessa's part and it would be more compelling.
This is kind of a RomCom cliche, but you're making it work very nicely and it's original enough that even though it's kind of in the stereotype it feels new.
I also like how you included Asmo thinking about fashion, it kind of amused me and was a nice thing to add even if it's not really relevant to the plot.
Great work!
8/24/2012 c2 5Dr. Self Destruct
So far I really like Asmodeus' character and all the quirks you gave him, especially the part about him dancing around in his office. I think this right away sets him apart from other characters and makes him incredibly interesting. And although his motives aren't very genuine, I find myself wanting to know if he ends up being successful in wooing Vanessa.
I didn't read the first chapter so this may have been answered there, but I also enjoyed how you leave Asmodeus (and the reader) with this question as to why in fact Vanessa isn't effected by his efforts. The questions leave enough mystery to make the reader want to continue, and they also do a good job in forming an early plot.
5Dr. Self DestructSo far I really like Asmodeus' character and all the quirks you gave him, especially the part about him dancing around in his office. I think this right away sets him apart from other characters and makes him incredibly interesting. And although his motives aren't very genuine, I find myself wanting to know if he ends up being successful in wooing Vanessa.
I didn't read the first chapter so this may have been answered there, but I also enjoyed how you leave Asmodeus (and the reader) with this question as to why in fact Vanessa isn't effected by his efforts. The questions leave enough mystery to make the reader want to continue, and they also do a good job in forming an early plot.
8/23/2012 c2 76The Autumn Queen
I would like some expansion on the first paragraph, and particularly about the dialogue, as we see Vanessa's reaction following, but there Azzy seems a more central character and his image is totally passed over. If you're hiding things from us (:)) then you could still do something by means of action and speaker tags to flesh it out.
[Asmodeus smiled and watched her reaction, because the room would have startled anyone. ] -I don't think you need because there.
I like the bit at the end the most I think (not to say I didn't like the rest of the chapter but that bit stood out for me) because it gives us insight into both characters, Azzy from his reflection of Vanessa and Vanessa from Azzy's reflection of her (and therefore a biased view). Nicely incorporant.
76The Autumn QueenI would like some expansion on the first paragraph, and particularly about the dialogue, as we see Vanessa's reaction following, but there Azzy seems a more central character and his image is totally passed over. If you're hiding things from us (:)) then you could still do something by means of action and speaker tags to flesh it out.
[Asmodeus smiled and watched her reaction, because the room would have startled anyone. ] -I don't think you need because there.
I like the bit at the end the most I think (not to say I didn't like the rest of the chapter but that bit stood out for me) because it gives us insight into both characters, Azzy from his reflection of Vanessa and Vanessa from Azzy's reflection of her (and therefore a biased view). Nicely incorporant.
8/22/2012 c1 1Samsonet
Hi! I owe you a review, so...
Let me say right now that I liked how you didn't mention God or the devil. These kinds of stories tend to be really disrespectful, but you're doing a good job of avoiding that problem. I liked how you kept the supernatural aspect more-or-less in the background, keeping the focus on Vanessa and her perceptions (even when they're displayed through Asman).
I also liked that line about angels. It fits in doubly well in context, and it shows part of the state of your world right there.
1SamsonetHi! I owe you a review, so...
Let me say right now that I liked how you didn't mention God or the devil. These kinds of stories tend to be really disrespectful, but you're doing a good job of avoiding that problem. I liked how you kept the supernatural aspect more-or-less in the background, keeping the focus on Vanessa and her perceptions (even when they're displayed through Asman).
I also liked that line about angels. It fits in doubly well in context, and it shows part of the state of your world right there.
8/21/2012 c1 76The Autumn Queen
Lol. I love that first paragraph because it does a neat job in putting things into context while keeping that certain tone about it, almost as if an omnipresent narration. That allows more emotion into it, so it gives us a fell of the character as well as the setting.
On the other hand, the style of that doesn't relate very closely to some of the other parts. In fact, it seems that the "Vanessa" scenes are a lot barer than the "Asmodeus" scenes. It brings in a little inconsistency, and I think on the whole diminishes Vanessa's character. Since she's mentioned/present in the whole chapter, and the first at that, I think you should expand the text around her a little to solidify her as a character.
76The Autumn QueenLol. I love that first paragraph because it does a neat job in putting things into context while keeping that certain tone about it, almost as if an omnipresent narration. That allows more emotion into it, so it gives us a fell of the character as well as the setting.
On the other hand, the style of that doesn't relate very closely to some of the other parts. In fact, it seems that the "Vanessa" scenes are a lot barer than the "Asmodeus" scenes. It brings in a little inconsistency, and I think on the whole diminishes Vanessa's character. Since she's mentioned/present in the whole chapter, and the first at that, I think you should expand the text around her a little to solidify her as a character.
8/21/2012 c1 9Highway Unicorn
I really like your idea of having the deadly sin Lust fall in love. It's something new and it promises a good read. :) I also like how you made Asmodeus have a french accent, since those accents sound more...alluring, and he is the basic symbol for allurment. XD
My only suggestion would to ease up on switching the perspective from Asmodeus and Vanessa. You switched it back and forth a lot durning this chapter and it just didn't seem right. I would say to just stick to either one perspective switch in each chapter, or just dedicated one whole chapter through the view of only one character, if that makes sense.
9Highway UnicornI really like your idea of having the deadly sin Lust fall in love. It's something new and it promises a good read. :) I also like how you made Asmodeus have a french accent, since those accents sound more...alluring, and he is the basic symbol for allurment. XD
My only suggestion would to ease up on switching the perspective from Asmodeus and Vanessa. You switched it back and forth a lot durning this chapter and it just didn't seem right. I would say to just stick to either one perspective switch in each chapter, or just dedicated one whole chapter through the view of only one character, if that makes sense.
8/20/2012 c1 44professional griefer
Wow.
I really like Asmodeus's character, his dialogue was done really well and he just comes alive.
I don't think it had enough description, I couldn't get a sense for the setting really. But that was my only problem with it.
The tone was wonderful, conversational without being too chatty. The dialogue was very natural and everyone was characterized beautifully...
This actually reminds me a lot of Rick Riordan, actually...
But you did a really nice job, I'm definitely looking forward to more.
44professional grieferWow.
I really like Asmodeus's character, his dialogue was done really well and he just comes alive.
I don't think it had enough description, I couldn't get a sense for the setting really. But that was my only problem with it.
The tone was wonderful, conversational without being too chatty. The dialogue was very natural and everyone was characterized beautifully...
This actually reminds me a lot of Rick Riordan, actually...
But you did a really nice job, I'm definitely looking forward to more.