for Thoughts of the Forest12/19/2012 c3 
88Austin F
Great poem! I love the description of the hunt, it really builds excitement. I do not like the formatting. It needs to be spaced out better so it is not so hard on the eyes.
88Austin FGreat poem! I love the description of the hunt, it really builds excitement. I do not like the formatting. It needs to be spaced out better so it is not so hard on the eyes.
10/17/2012 c4 43LuckycoolHawk9
I like the message of this poem of finding light even in the darkest of places because it is true to life that even when times are dark that there is only hope and not many people can convey that message originally which you did. I also Liked how each stanza has at least rhyme because it gives the poem a feel of a song which makes it intruging.
43LuckycoolHawk9I like the message of this poem of finding light even in the darkest of places because it is true to life that even when times are dark that there is only hope and not many people can convey that message originally which you did. I also Liked how each stanza has at least rhyme because it gives the poem a feel of a song which makes it intruging.
9/17/2012 c3 76The Autumn Queen
I /meant/ to do this for the review marathon, but didn't quite make it. :) No matter.
I like the image of the eagle floating; it's a nicely contrasting image. The call/fall image is really nice as well.
I also like the inherent danger in the mouse because it's a really nice illusion to the story about the mouse and the lion in the forest, and the wisdom behind the eagle - a really clever image there.
I don't quite like how you've said "cast" and "thrall" because they start making a totally different image without quite tying off the first one - goes into witchcraft in a sense, but on top of that the image contradicts the prior one so I disagree with its placing there.
[He soars once more into the sky.
An eagle triumphant once again] - perhaps something other than a fullstop there to link the lines more closely together.
I think the ending seems to suggest a continuation, which also subtly contrasts with the concept of a "hunt" in being self-contained. Perhaps a firmer ending then; it was the word pain really, as it tied back up but was left without a rhyme down the bottom to counteract it.
76The Autumn QueenI /meant/ to do this for the review marathon, but didn't quite make it. :) No matter.
I like the image of the eagle floating; it's a nicely contrasting image. The call/fall image is really nice as well.
I also like the inherent danger in the mouse because it's a really nice illusion to the story about the mouse and the lion in the forest, and the wisdom behind the eagle - a really clever image there.
I don't quite like how you've said "cast" and "thrall" because they start making a totally different image without quite tying off the first one - goes into witchcraft in a sense, but on top of that the image contradicts the prior one so I disagree with its placing there.
[He soars once more into the sky.
An eagle triumphant once again] - perhaps something other than a fullstop there to link the lines more closely together.
I think the ending seems to suggest a continuation, which also subtly contrasts with the concept of a "hunt" in being self-contained. Perhaps a firmer ending then; it was the word pain really, as it tied back up but was left without a rhyme down the bottom to counteract it.
9/6/2012 c3 1444musicfreak44
Overall, I really enjoyed this. My favourite line was the ending, very potent. I liked how it echoed a truth of life, because in nature, things have to die for others to survive. And the eagle 'singing the song of life and pain' sounded to me, as if the eagle singing was a way of mouring/honouring the mouse's death.
I also liked how in the beginning, the eagle was soaring in the clouds and in the end he flew back into the sky, because it felt like you were bringing things around full circle and giving the poem a clear ending.
Very nice :)
1444musicfreak44Overall, I really enjoyed this. My favourite line was the ending, very potent. I liked how it echoed a truth of life, because in nature, things have to die for others to survive. And the eagle 'singing the song of life and pain' sounded to me, as if the eagle singing was a way of mouring/honouring the mouse's death.
I also liked how in the beginning, the eagle was soaring in the clouds and in the end he flew back into the sky, because it felt like you were bringing things around full circle and giving the poem a clear ending.
Very nice :)
8/30/2012 c1 75thewhimsicalbard
I'm reading this because Faithless Juliet recommended it on the RG, and I'm so happy I chose to. I think you might be the third poet I've found on this site who has any skill with schemed rhyme poems like this. It's so exciting to see someone who can actually do it! I mean, most of the people here are really good with free verse, and rhyme can work for them in small doses, but this... Wow. This is excellent. Unlike everyone else who tries it, you are not subservient to your rhyme - rather, it is the primary device with which you create the rhythm.
The first stanza was definitely the strongest: unique phrasing, interesting words, and strong images - including my all time favorite, the willow tree. Honestly, I think the first stanza could be a poem in and of itself. The idea of talking trees is nothing new, but I like your take on it. It's very serene, and has a misty quality about it.
The second and third stanzas lose the flavor a little bit. I might make a metaphor and say that if this poem is food, then the food has cooled off by the second stanza. It's no longer hot-and-delicious, just delicious. However, that doesn't mean it isn't good; merely lacking relative to the strength of the first stanza. The rhyme is still solid, but the phrasing isn't there anymore, and the images lose a little of their edge too.
Anyway, a great poem. I could definitely read this over and over again. I already have, actually... Six times, I think. Gorgeous. Great work, and I'm definitely glad I stumbled on this piece.
-twb
75thewhimsicalbardI'm reading this because Faithless Juliet recommended it on the RG, and I'm so happy I chose to. I think you might be the third poet I've found on this site who has any skill with schemed rhyme poems like this. It's so exciting to see someone who can actually do it! I mean, most of the people here are really good with free verse, and rhyme can work for them in small doses, but this... Wow. This is excellent. Unlike everyone else who tries it, you are not subservient to your rhyme - rather, it is the primary device with which you create the rhythm.
The first stanza was definitely the strongest: unique phrasing, interesting words, and strong images - including my all time favorite, the willow tree. Honestly, I think the first stanza could be a poem in and of itself. The idea of talking trees is nothing new, but I like your take on it. It's very serene, and has a misty quality about it.
The second and third stanzas lose the flavor a little bit. I might make a metaphor and say that if this poem is food, then the food has cooled off by the second stanza. It's no longer hot-and-delicious, just delicious. However, that doesn't mean it isn't good; merely lacking relative to the strength of the first stanza. The rhyme is still solid, but the phrasing isn't there anymore, and the images lose a little of their edge too.
Anyway, a great poem. I could definitely read this over and over again. I already have, actually... Six times, I think. Gorgeous. Great work, and I'm definitely glad I stumbled on this piece.
-twb
8/28/2012 c2 76The Autumn Queen
Ooh, pretty. Thank goodness the uni computer screens are big.
[I shed the tears
For every eye,] - I think an adjective would work better than "the" in the first line.
[I'll be there at the end,
I was there at the start.] - perhaps adding more dimension to that and saying "I'll be there to/till the end,/ I was there from the start." - gives it a bit more of a closed loop effect and accounts for the time in between.
[Do not despair,
For I cry for you
Ever and always,] - I'd say your comma (the first one) is in the wrong spot there. Makes more sense to me to have it on the second line.
[My ears are large,
To hear down the lane] - don't need that comma. You want to be using them to vary pause, so it becomes less effective when you use them too often.
[Lest your weakness called crying
Bring down your doom.] - brings down as "weakness" is singular.
[Though you cannot see me
I sit and press near] - I think you do need a comma there.
[To take flight before you fall,] - something other than a comma.
[So I'm not what you touch and see,
Only what you feel.] - dash instead of a comma I think. More effective.
On more general notes, just be wary of blocks of text. It works here, but it won't always and it may not be in every view. They're a little intimidating, aesthetic wise. Some reviewers have told me that centering poems also has the same effect of late. Stylistic choices, but just things to be aware of.
Rhyming - this might be my accent, but do you and dew rhyme when said out loud?
The flow of your piece - at some places, it feels like you're forcing the rhymes in because the lengths (amounts of syllables) differ. For example, [I shelter from cold.
I am everywhere and nowhere,] - quite a difference in terms of lengths when said out loud. The rhyming loses the natural impact.
I like the concept of the Tear Dragon, this mythical creature carrying the tears that evaporate from the earth, and the bird of hope was a good idea too. Reminds me of the "auspicious" sitings of certain kinds of birds during Imperial China, and the idea of being catatonic in a sense. I almost saw some Egyptian tombs there. :) So all in all, good idea but I think you could have presented it a little better.
76The Autumn QueenOoh, pretty. Thank goodness the uni computer screens are big.
[I shed the tears
For every eye,] - I think an adjective would work better than "the" in the first line.
[I'll be there at the end,
I was there at the start.] - perhaps adding more dimension to that and saying "I'll be there to/till the end,/ I was there from the start." - gives it a bit more of a closed loop effect and accounts for the time in between.
[Do not despair,
For I cry for you
Ever and always,] - I'd say your comma (the first one) is in the wrong spot there. Makes more sense to me to have it on the second line.
[My ears are large,
To hear down the lane] - don't need that comma. You want to be using them to vary pause, so it becomes less effective when you use them too often.
[Lest your weakness called crying
Bring down your doom.] - brings down as "weakness" is singular.
[Though you cannot see me
I sit and press near] - I think you do need a comma there.
[To take flight before you fall,] - something other than a comma.
[So I'm not what you touch and see,
Only what you feel.] - dash instead of a comma I think. More effective.
On more general notes, just be wary of blocks of text. It works here, but it won't always and it may not be in every view. They're a little intimidating, aesthetic wise. Some reviewers have told me that centering poems also has the same effect of late. Stylistic choices, but just things to be aware of.
Rhyming - this might be my accent, but do you and dew rhyme when said out loud?
The flow of your piece - at some places, it feels like you're forcing the rhymes in because the lengths (amounts of syllables) differ. For example, [I shelter from cold.
I am everywhere and nowhere,] - quite a difference in terms of lengths when said out loud. The rhyming loses the natural impact.
I like the concept of the Tear Dragon, this mythical creature carrying the tears that evaporate from the earth, and the bird of hope was a good idea too. Reminds me of the "auspicious" sitings of certain kinds of birds during Imperial China, and the idea of being catatonic in a sense. I almost saw some Egyptian tombs there. :) So all in all, good idea but I think you could have presented it a little better.
8/26/2012 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
First off, what I loved the most, and what I think is the strongest aspect here is you ability to rhyme effectively. YOU HAVE SERIOUS SKILL with that, not many people can both create the rhyme and keep the reader interested at the same time. Manly because our modern brains are not wired anymore to ingest poetry like this anymore, it’s an older more complex style. Absolutely loved it, you are channeling the likes of John Wilmot and Margaret Cavendish here. Great job.
The only thing I can really critique here is the center section: “voice/choice/heed/greed” I thought that it lagged a bit from the opening and closing stanzas. It didn’t really complement the strength of either one, and the center of your piece should be the action center, whereas the opening and closing set the stage and tie everything together. Keep up the good work.
Much love,
Juliet.
1k+Faithless JulietFirst off, what I loved the most, and what I think is the strongest aspect here is you ability to rhyme effectively. YOU HAVE SERIOUS SKILL with that, not many people can both create the rhyme and keep the reader interested at the same time. Manly because our modern brains are not wired anymore to ingest poetry like this anymore, it’s an older more complex style. Absolutely loved it, you are channeling the likes of John Wilmot and Margaret Cavendish here. Great job.
The only thing I can really critique here is the center section: “voice/choice/heed/greed” I thought that it lagged a bit from the opening and closing stanzas. It didn’t really complement the strength of either one, and the center of your piece should be the action center, whereas the opening and closing set the stage and tie everything together. Keep up the good work.
Much love,
Juliet.
8/24/2012 c1 76The Autumn Queen
Ooh, pretty imagery. I love the way you built the scene up gently, starting with a physical medium (sorry, I'm doing my IMS homework right now. :)) and stemming towards observations beyond sight which serve to add further layers of subtelty to the image.
I normally don't like rhyming poems (normally because they come out rather forced) but I like the rhymes in this because they come out really naturally and they add to the peaceful natural image, particularly like the wind whistling in a sense. You've made good choices with the words, keeping the soft sounds - I think your only hard one was "choice" (and maybe voice) but other than that, the soft sounds really give a melodious feel.
[If you pass by and do not hear
You have missed] - I feel there should be some sort of punctuation after the first line there. It's not quite the same as the first too lines where they flow in without the need for punctuation. A minor nit-prick though.
76The Autumn QueenOoh, pretty imagery. I love the way you built the scene up gently, starting with a physical medium (sorry, I'm doing my IMS homework right now. :)) and stemming towards observations beyond sight which serve to add further layers of subtelty to the image.
I normally don't like rhyming poems (normally because they come out rather forced) but I like the rhymes in this because they come out really naturally and they add to the peaceful natural image, particularly like the wind whistling in a sense. You've made good choices with the words, keeping the soft sounds - I think your only hard one was "choice" (and maybe voice) but other than that, the soft sounds really give a melodious feel.
[If you pass by and do not hear
You have missed] - I feel there should be some sort of punctuation after the first line there. It's not quite the same as the first too lines where they flow in without the need for punctuation. A minor nit-prick though.
8/24/2012 c1 6Ophelia Schmit
Your last line, "You can hear the words if your heart is true", sounds like the legend of the Holy Grail. Only the purest of heart can find it. Sorry, HAD to say it.
I think this is beautiful. I also think that maybe you should try a haiku, since you'd be talking about nature?
Me and my stupid suggestions.
-Hermie
6Ophelia SchmitYour last line, "You can hear the words if your heart is true", sounds like the legend of the Holy Grail. Only the purest of heart can find it. Sorry, HAD to say it.
I think this is beautiful. I also think that maybe you should try a haiku, since you'd be talking about nature?
Me and my stupid suggestions.
-Hermie