for Pink Striped Porcupine and her Green Eyed Chipmunk9/5/2012 c2 
4whatthegreencarrot
In your summary, I noticed a couple of mistakes... [
All I was doing was waiting for my friend in a coffee shop and reading a book. Somehow that turns into gaining a stalker who buys me coffee and steals my book. What's next? And who exactly is he? I still don't know his name and I'll probably never see him again which means one of my favorite books is gone lost forever. Grr]
It should be more like
All I was doing was waiting for my friend in a coffee shop and reading a book. Somehow that turned into gaining a stalker who bought me coffee and stole my book. Who exactly was this guy, anyway? So now I still don't know his name, and I'll probably never see him again, which means one of my favorite books is gone lost forever. Grr.
The "grr" isn't entirely necessary, but it works alright. Wow, I wrote a whole lot about the summary...onto the actual chapter, LOL.
["I didn't realize I was out for so long. I thought I was just gonna go for a walk but I ended up enjoying the crisp air and just stayed." I told him blushing a bit] comma after "him." Comma after "walk."
["Don't worry I have asprin at my place." He reassures me. "By the way, Chipmunk? Do I get to be Alvin at least?" He asks chuckling. I shake my head, wincing at what it does to my headache.] The "he" shouldn't be capitalized. Comma after "worry."
[How long have you been in the snow?" He asks me suddenly serious looking pointedly at his beanie on my head and the fact that my legs were clad in only jeans.] Once again, "he" shouldn't be capitalized. Just don't capitalize if you're going to write "he said" after the quotes. It doesn't have to be "he said," it can be anything, as long as it's got "said" or "asked" or any part of speech. Unless it's a name, then you gotta capitalize... Oh, and you wrote "He asks me suddenly serious." Comma after me.
4whatthegreencarrotIn your summary, I noticed a couple of mistakes... [
All I was doing was waiting for my friend in a coffee shop and reading a book. Somehow that turns into gaining a stalker who buys me coffee and steals my book. What's next? And who exactly is he? I still don't know his name and I'll probably never see him again which means one of my favorite books is gone lost forever. Grr]
It should be more like
All I was doing was waiting for my friend in a coffee shop and reading a book. Somehow that turned into gaining a stalker who bought me coffee and stole my book. Who exactly was this guy, anyway? So now I still don't know his name, and I'll probably never see him again, which means one of my favorite books is gone lost forever. Grr.
The "grr" isn't entirely necessary, but it works alright. Wow, I wrote a whole lot about the summary...onto the actual chapter, LOL.
["I didn't realize I was out for so long. I thought I was just gonna go for a walk but I ended up enjoying the crisp air and just stayed." I told him blushing a bit] comma after "him." Comma after "walk."
["Don't worry I have asprin at my place." He reassures me. "By the way, Chipmunk? Do I get to be Alvin at least?" He asks chuckling. I shake my head, wincing at what it does to my headache.] The "he" shouldn't be capitalized. Comma after "worry."
[How long have you been in the snow?" He asks me suddenly serious looking pointedly at his beanie on my head and the fact that my legs were clad in only jeans.] Once again, "he" shouldn't be capitalized. Just don't capitalize if you're going to write "he said" after the quotes. It doesn't have to be "he said," it can be anything, as long as it's got "said" or "asked" or any part of speech. Unless it's a name, then you gotta capitalize... Oh, and you wrote "He asks me suddenly serious." Comma after me.
9/5/2012 c1 whatthegreencarrot
[I continued reading my book after looking around once again barely wondering what time it was.] You're missing a couple of commas there. There should be a comma after "again."
["You really think I'm going to tell my stalker my name; how about you come up with something a little more original than Porcupine instead. More than likely if you did get a name out of me than it wouldn't be my real one." I tell him rolling my eyes. He chuckles and nodded, seeing the sense of my words no doubt.] "He chuckles and nodded" That's different tenses in one sentence. Since most of your story seems to be in present tense, I guess it'd be "nods" instead of "nodded."
Wait, actually, I'm a bit confused now. Half of this chapter seems to be in past tense, the other in present. You write "said" in the first half and "says" in the second. Gosh, I sound like such a critic...it's a good story. Really. It's just that tenses are real peeves with me, along with pronouns.
Okay, this shows that I really am picky...in your author's note, you missed a couple commas, and you wrote "my characters names" when it should be "my characters' names." I hope I don't come off as awfully mean, because I don't want it to be like that at all...I've gotten my fair share of harsh reviews, and I know it's not very nice when you feel like someone is insulting your work.
["I bet you've never been called Porcupine before." He says getting up and walking backwards towards the door. I notice that my friend Kara was standing by the door asking me who he was with her eyes.] You wrote [before." He] when it should be [before," he] instead. When you write "he said" or "she said" or anybody said...anything like that, you don't end it with a period and quote marks, you end with a comma and quote marks.
Did that make sense? I hope it made sense, I'm terrible at explaining things. Eh...I'll figure it out. I've tried to explain it to a couple of other people, too, but I wasn't entirely successful...maybe you'll be the first to understand :D
Oh, and that paragraph I pointed out last, the ["I bet you've never been called Porcupine before." He says getting up and walking backwards towards the door. I notice that my friend Kara was standing by the door asking me who he was with her eyes.] paragraph, there should be a comma after "says" and "door" (the door part in the sentence about Kara).
Keep it up, and I sincerely hope that I wasn't too harsh, I hate being mean to other writers...tell me I wasn't too harsh, I'm starting to feel bad. Eek.
[I continued reading my book after looking around once again barely wondering what time it was.] You're missing a couple of commas there. There should be a comma after "again."
["You really think I'm going to tell my stalker my name; how about you come up with something a little more original than Porcupine instead. More than likely if you did get a name out of me than it wouldn't be my real one." I tell him rolling my eyes. He chuckles and nodded, seeing the sense of my words no doubt.] "He chuckles and nodded" That's different tenses in one sentence. Since most of your story seems to be in present tense, I guess it'd be "nods" instead of "nodded."
Wait, actually, I'm a bit confused now. Half of this chapter seems to be in past tense, the other in present. You write "said" in the first half and "says" in the second. Gosh, I sound like such a critic...it's a good story. Really. It's just that tenses are real peeves with me, along with pronouns.
Okay, this shows that I really am picky...in your author's note, you missed a couple commas, and you wrote "my characters names" when it should be "my characters' names." I hope I don't come off as awfully mean, because I don't want it to be like that at all...I've gotten my fair share of harsh reviews, and I know it's not very nice when you feel like someone is insulting your work.
["I bet you've never been called Porcupine before." He says getting up and walking backwards towards the door. I notice that my friend Kara was standing by the door asking me who he was with her eyes.] You wrote [before." He] when it should be [before," he] instead. When you write "he said" or "she said" or anybody said...anything like that, you don't end it with a period and quote marks, you end with a comma and quote marks.
Did that make sense? I hope it made sense, I'm terrible at explaining things. Eh...I'll figure it out. I've tried to explain it to a couple of other people, too, but I wasn't entirely successful...maybe you'll be the first to understand :D
Oh, and that paragraph I pointed out last, the ["I bet you've never been called Porcupine before." He says getting up and walking backwards towards the door. I notice that my friend Kara was standing by the door asking me who he was with her eyes.] paragraph, there should be a comma after "says" and "door" (the door part in the sentence about Kara).
Keep it up, and I sincerely hope that I wasn't too harsh, I hate being mean to other writers...tell me I wasn't too harsh, I'm starting to feel bad. Eek.