for I'm All Yours7/5/2018 c3 
21RainbowPearls
"..That's not the way you sit, Zech. You somehow fold up your frame and simultaneously spread it out to fill the space you have like water in a clear vessel. Not like some overawed novice at his pubscend ceremony. He shifts uneasily, picking up my agitation but unable to perceive the finer details. He is unconsciously trying to relax his posture to fit my mental picture, but the result is an untidy slouch."
THE BEST PART IF THE CHAPTER! xD XD
I fell from the bed almost when I read this. Sometimes I absolutely like The way how she tortures Zach and that part where Zack mentions that he has recognized her touch was hilarious!
"..tears decorating his hair like jewel..." there's a beauty in this description that actually depicts the downcast state of the narrator.
21RainbowPearls"..That's not the way you sit, Zech. You somehow fold up your frame and simultaneously spread it out to fill the space you have like water in a clear vessel. Not like some overawed novice at his pubscend ceremony. He shifts uneasily, picking up my agitation but unable to perceive the finer details. He is unconsciously trying to relax his posture to fit my mental picture, but the result is an untidy slouch."
THE BEST PART IF THE CHAPTER! xD XD
I fell from the bed almost when I read this. Sometimes I absolutely like The way how she tortures Zach and that part where Zack mentions that he has recognized her touch was hilarious!
"..tears decorating his hair like jewel..." there's a beauty in this description that actually depicts the downcast state of the narrator.
6/21/2018 c2 RainbowPearls
Zech and like an Allegra? I was a little shocked but smiling at that statement.
I loved a few terms over here like Nanobots, and malfunctioning biological unit.
hah, I liked Nanobot's attitude and he's being too brave and I like it. Nice for Allegra being too demanding to Zech! Sorry if that's mean! xD
The last scene was so sweet. Alegra was totally blushing in that scene in my mind. XD
Zech and like an Allegra? I was a little shocked but smiling at that statement.
I loved a few terms over here like Nanobots, and malfunctioning biological unit.
hah, I liked Nanobot's attitude and he's being too brave and I like it. Nice for Allegra being too demanding to Zech! Sorry if that's mean! xD
The last scene was so sweet. Alegra was totally blushing in that scene in my mind. XD
6/11/2018 c1 RainbowPearls
Okay, I just skipped to this story because I wanted to escape the slash part of the previous story that I to thought to read.:P
I'm not sure if I exactly understood and grabbed all of it but I guess I'll catch the flow soon.
So basically the speaker likes to confide her thoughts ranging from puberty ( which initially she used the word a little in exaggerated fastion xD) to her new Zomb which almost appeared naked in front of her to alegra which I suppose is kinda 'herself thingy' which sends nanobots with speedening warnings similar to virus in phones :P
Ah, nice that he could read her almost thoughts! XD The Zomb's name on the other note and it's a good way that her thoughts will become habituated to be on control because if it! XD
Okay, I just skipped to this story because I wanted to escape the slash part of the previous story that I to thought to read.:P
I'm not sure if I exactly understood and grabbed all of it but I guess I'll catch the flow soon.
So basically the speaker likes to confide her thoughts ranging from puberty ( which initially she used the word a little in exaggerated fastion xD) to her new Zomb which almost appeared naked in front of her to alegra which I suppose is kinda 'herself thingy' which sends nanobots with speedening warnings similar to virus in phones :P
Ah, nice that he could read her almost thoughts! XD The Zomb's name on the other note and it's a good way that her thoughts will become habituated to be on control because if it! XD
2/20/2014 c1 3Firewind555
So first off, I think that Allegra's character is really cool. Her narration and your writing is rather witty and smart, and I could follow the story. However, the problem here in your first chapter is that i have no idea about some parts of the story. Is Allegra a human or is she half-robot? What's a Zomb? The italics and robot speech seem scattered. Even with the cool sci-fi, cyber-punk world, I can't picture the world properly. However, I could detect some strong underlying themes from the first chapter, for example, when she detected her friend and didn't want to see her.
Even though I don't know what's going on, it's still enough to pique curiosity.
3Firewind555So first off, I think that Allegra's character is really cool. Her narration and your writing is rather witty and smart, and I could follow the story. However, the problem here in your first chapter is that i have no idea about some parts of the story. Is Allegra a human or is she half-robot? What's a Zomb? The italics and robot speech seem scattered. Even with the cool sci-fi, cyber-punk world, I can't picture the world properly. However, I could detect some strong underlying themes from the first chapter, for example, when she detected her friend and didn't want to see her.
Even though I don't know what's going on, it's still enough to pique curiosity.
10/18/2013 c1 Guest
Type your review here...
Type your review here...
6/14/2013 c16 5InkedGirl
I love the preview! I'm looking forward to reading more of your wonderfully creative work :)
5InkedGirlI love the preview! I'm looking forward to reading more of your wonderfully creative work :)
5/15/2013 c1 4lookingwest
I know for some, sci-fi stories using lots of numbers, but I would spell out the instance of "30 sec." to "thirty secs" or "thirty seconds". Normally in narrative it's smart to spell out anything below like, 101. Also, if you're using slang for "sec" to "second", since there is more than one second, maybe it should be "secs"?
I mumble something, which she totally disregards. [Put this in its own paragraph because it's a type of dialogue - even if we don't here it, Allegra is still mumbling. Or actually - just make sure the dialogue that Chef says is in its own paragraph. So start a new paragraph with what I pulled above]
"Anyway, he's DROOLICIOUS!" She floats away... [Also needs to be a new paragraph, the speaker goes from Allegra back to Clef]
Well, okay. Now, I'm super into postmodernism, and I really like William Gibson (as you can probably guess from my profile), but even despite my background knowledge in the super-abstract and knowledge with cyberpunk and sci-fi stories that throw around terms like it's no big deal - I still had trouble following exactly what is going on.
I was confused right away with the voice that's happening in italics. I don't know if that's supposed to be just Allegra talking to herself in the present tense, or if she's talking to herself from the future or from the past - or what that's about. I also was a little uncertain what was going on with the whole Zomb thing. Maybe Zomb is like a reference to Zombie? I get that it's like an AI and everything though, and I didn't mind not getting the details on what makes it different than a droid, but still, I wasn't 100% on if Allegra herself used to be a human being and is now some sort of AI, or what.
I don't mind having the abstract sci-fi setting of not exactly getting a ton of detail, and I also didn't mind a lot of the terms that were being thrown around that I didn't understand completely, but the first portion in italics really threw me off and I think I stayed a little disorientated from there. I'm confused why she has Zomb, because in the second chapter she kind of acts like it was bestowed upon her - but here it seems like she voluntarily made this guy a Zomb who used to be a normal human? Someone she knew who was her friend? FP stories always come with a weird relationship between author/reader too, because we tend to not trust our authors, so to some degree, I do want to trust you that this will clear up just the more that I read, but the opening threw me off.
Still, the concepts seem cool. Sometimes I think you should italicize for emphasis instead of capitalize for emphasis though, like here: "...even if he IS my biological progenitor." and visually, it's a bit overwhelming with the capital computer-speak, but I think it can work, and it does show the world really well. I'd be interested to continue with this, for sure, but I hope things do gradually become clearer regarding what actually happened between Allegra and...herself? in this first chapter.
4lookingwestI know for some, sci-fi stories using lots of numbers, but I would spell out the instance of "30 sec." to "thirty secs" or "thirty seconds". Normally in narrative it's smart to spell out anything below like, 101. Also, if you're using slang for "sec" to "second", since there is more than one second, maybe it should be "secs"?
I mumble something, which she totally disregards. [Put this in its own paragraph because it's a type of dialogue - even if we don't here it, Allegra is still mumbling. Or actually - just make sure the dialogue that Chef says is in its own paragraph. So start a new paragraph with what I pulled above]
"Anyway, he's DROOLICIOUS!" She floats away... [Also needs to be a new paragraph, the speaker goes from Allegra back to Clef]
Well, okay. Now, I'm super into postmodernism, and I really like William Gibson (as you can probably guess from my profile), but even despite my background knowledge in the super-abstract and knowledge with cyberpunk and sci-fi stories that throw around terms like it's no big deal - I still had trouble following exactly what is going on.
I was confused right away with the voice that's happening in italics. I don't know if that's supposed to be just Allegra talking to herself in the present tense, or if she's talking to herself from the future or from the past - or what that's about. I also was a little uncertain what was going on with the whole Zomb thing. Maybe Zomb is like a reference to Zombie? I get that it's like an AI and everything though, and I didn't mind not getting the details on what makes it different than a droid, but still, I wasn't 100% on if Allegra herself used to be a human being and is now some sort of AI, or what.
I don't mind having the abstract sci-fi setting of not exactly getting a ton of detail, and I also didn't mind a lot of the terms that were being thrown around that I didn't understand completely, but the first portion in italics really threw me off and I think I stayed a little disorientated from there. I'm confused why she has Zomb, because in the second chapter she kind of acts like it was bestowed upon her - but here it seems like she voluntarily made this guy a Zomb who used to be a normal human? Someone she knew who was her friend? FP stories always come with a weird relationship between author/reader too, because we tend to not trust our authors, so to some degree, I do want to trust you that this will clear up just the more that I read, but the opening threw me off.
Still, the concepts seem cool. Sometimes I think you should italicize for emphasis instead of capitalize for emphasis though, like here: "...even if he IS my biological progenitor." and visually, it's a bit overwhelming with the capital computer-speak, but I think it can work, and it does show the world really well. I'd be interested to continue with this, for sure, but I hope things do gradually become clearer regarding what actually happened between Allegra and...herself? in this first chapter.
5/15/2013 c2 lookingwest
I really liked your dialogue responses with Zech. Is there a reason that Zech is so close to Zomb? Which I'm guessing is what the name of the AI is called. From not having read the previous chapter, I felt like maybe Zech once used to be human but now he's more like an AI? I suppose this will be cleared up if I keep reading, too. But anyway - yeah, great dialogue with Zech. I thought you did a really good job making him sound like an AI would sound when getting commands, and I felt it was really mysterious that his personality is suppressed and everything because it hints that he actually has a personality. Kind of reminds me of David from Prometheus, but even more intriguing given the ending when he puts his arms around Allegra in a discomfort response. That was cool and a curious moment to leave the chapter on.
I also liked the way you dive into this world and the different terminology, you're doing a good job showing the basics of everything and also doing it through Allegra showing Zech, which I think is a great technique. Overall, I was really impressed with the dialogue/conversation work here!
I really liked your dialogue responses with Zech. Is there a reason that Zech is so close to Zomb? Which I'm guessing is what the name of the AI is called. From not having read the previous chapter, I felt like maybe Zech once used to be human but now he's more like an AI? I suppose this will be cleared up if I keep reading, too. But anyway - yeah, great dialogue with Zech. I thought you did a really good job making him sound like an AI would sound when getting commands, and I felt it was really mysterious that his personality is suppressed and everything because it hints that he actually has a personality. Kind of reminds me of David from Prometheus, but even more intriguing given the ending when he puts his arms around Allegra in a discomfort response. That was cool and a curious moment to leave the chapter on.
I also liked the way you dive into this world and the different terminology, you're doing a good job showing the basics of everything and also doing it through Allegra showing Zech, which I think is a great technique. Overall, I was really impressed with the dialogue/conversation work here!
5/7/2013 c2 4Lolitroy
I really liked this chapter :)
Allegra's human side has come to view, haha. And it broke my heart to see how people are... in that future. I'll be looking forward to see Zech regain a heart, if you understand.
So sweet! I'm really liking it.
Sorry I can't write a better review, but I figured sicne I wasn't reviewing for the Review Game I can make it my style :)
I'll be reading more!
4LolitroyI really liked this chapter :)
Allegra's human side has come to view, haha. And it broke my heart to see how people are... in that future. I'll be looking forward to see Zech regain a heart, if you understand.
So sweet! I'm really liking it.
Sorry I can't write a better review, but I figured sicne I wasn't reviewing for the Review Game I can make it my style :)
I'll be reading more!
5/6/2013 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
I think you have a lot of creative moments in this. I really enjoyed your narrators voice. I think you showed both a high level of intelligence and a nice wit. I chuckled quite a few times when I read this, and I thought that was great because you’re weaving humor into a sci-fyish genre (I think chapter one is really too early to declare a genre, but you know) which are two aspects that you don’t normally see dovetailed like this.
As a critique I would say that you really start head long from the beginning with all of the aspects of your story, and some of it felt like too much of an info dump so soon in the game. I think I would have liked the introduction to be slowed down a bit to help the reader better understand the story. Keep up the good work.
Much love,
Juliet.
1k+Faithless JulietI think you have a lot of creative moments in this. I really enjoyed your narrators voice. I think you showed both a high level of intelligence and a nice wit. I chuckled quite a few times when I read this, and I thought that was great because you’re weaving humor into a sci-fyish genre (I think chapter one is really too early to declare a genre, but you know) which are two aspects that you don’t normally see dovetailed like this.
As a critique I would say that you really start head long from the beginning with all of the aspects of your story, and some of it felt like too much of an info dump so soon in the game. I think I would have liked the introduction to be slowed down a bit to help the reader better understand the story. Keep up the good work.
Much love,
Juliet.
5/6/2013 c1 4Lolitroy
"pubsce" Was that a word or just a mistake? Just wondering.
I liked how you began with that urgent scientific tone, because it gave a great insight into the kind of story it will be. I also liked the tone you set, and so far, it has caught my attention.
The part hard for me to read was when you used... complicate terms? Anyway, some people (like me) aren't native to english and therefore can find it hard to understand in some parts. You can add a glossary, or you just can explain or simplify...?
Also, like I said before, I liked the beginning. But the italic can shoo some readers away, just saying.
Anyway, interesting so far! I liked it and good luck!
4Lolitroy"pubsce" Was that a word or just a mistake? Just wondering.
I liked how you began with that urgent scientific tone, because it gave a great insight into the kind of story it will be. I also liked the tone you set, and so far, it has caught my attention.
The part hard for me to read was when you used... complicate terms? Anyway, some people (like me) aren't native to english and therefore can find it hard to understand in some parts. You can add a glossary, or you just can explain or simplify...?
Also, like I said before, I liked the beginning. But the italic can shoo some readers away, just saying.
Anyway, interesting so far! I liked it and good luck!
3/29/2013 c15 Guest
Could you do a sequel with option b and a oneshot with the last option? :)
Could you do a sequel with option b and a oneshot with the last option? :)
1/25/2013 c14 FictionFree
I. Love. You. You are soooo amazing. Best ending EVER. It's not overly cliche or sappy, and it felt like it was leading to something either gut-wrenching or filled with hot-itude and it was just. so. PERFECT.
I. Love. You. You are soooo amazing. Best ending EVER. It's not overly cliche or sappy, and it felt like it was leading to something either gut-wrenching or filled with hot-itude and it was just. so. PERFECT.