for To Sleep Perchance to Dream11/6/2012 c12 
5Dr. Self Destruct
I really like the paragraph where you describe the bodies piled up like branches ready to be burned. It's such a specific image, and it's very vivid the way you describe it. And I think you help drive home the eeriness of the scene by going even further; you follow through with the description and address how the hands are curled in pain. It creates such a foreboding picture, and right away the tension shoots up. So yeah, great opening.
[Once they had been stripped of their valuable belongs, and thankfully stripped of nothing else. Lisbet pulled her sister into the old baker's shop, locking the door behind them.]
The period after "else" should be a comma since it seems the sentence doesn't want to stop there.
[Originally she had thought to wait out the looters. Hoping that eventually they would have to depart when the King's guard was restored and peace would once again take hold.]
Same as the previous sentence I pointed out, the first period should be a comma linking the two clauses together, or else it doesn't make much sense.
In regards to the scene with the horse being stabbed, while reading I was wondering if it would really be so easy to injure a horse like that before it tries to either fight or run away. Perhaps mention how Lisbet notices the horse seems to be under some type of trance, because i don't think someone can gut a live, coherent horse before it tries to run away. Other than that, you have some wonderful descriptions, and I really enjoy your details. You do a great job filling in a scene and making it come to life on the page.
5Dr. Self DestructI really like the paragraph where you describe the bodies piled up like branches ready to be burned. It's such a specific image, and it's very vivid the way you describe it. And I think you help drive home the eeriness of the scene by going even further; you follow through with the description and address how the hands are curled in pain. It creates such a foreboding picture, and right away the tension shoots up. So yeah, great opening.
[Once they had been stripped of their valuable belongs, and thankfully stripped of nothing else. Lisbet pulled her sister into the old baker's shop, locking the door behind them.]
The period after "else" should be a comma since it seems the sentence doesn't want to stop there.
[Originally she had thought to wait out the looters. Hoping that eventually they would have to depart when the King's guard was restored and peace would once again take hold.]
Same as the previous sentence I pointed out, the first period should be a comma linking the two clauses together, or else it doesn't make much sense.
In regards to the scene with the horse being stabbed, while reading I was wondering if it would really be so easy to injure a horse like that before it tries to either fight or run away. Perhaps mention how Lisbet notices the horse seems to be under some type of trance, because i don't think someone can gut a live, coherent horse before it tries to run away. Other than that, you have some wonderful descriptions, and I really enjoy your details. You do a great job filling in a scene and making it come to life on the page.
11/1/2012 c7 43LuckycoolHawk9
I liked how you basically show another side of Oren because after a death like his mother he wouldn't be the same and you kept it true to society and dit also showed that he could love. I also liked how the king would now atone for his sins because he should know them and hold them dear since they destroyed his wife. I truly loved this chapter.
43LuckycoolHawk9I liked how you basically show another side of Oren because after a death like his mother he wouldn't be the same and you kept it true to society and dit also showed that he could love. I also liked how the king would now atone for his sins because he should know them and hold them dear since they destroyed his wife. I truly loved this chapter.
10/29/2012 c31 17Encore19
Wow you're an amazing writer! First off I think your writing style is very descriptive which is a good thing to see when you're already into the thirty-first chapter of your story. Examples of this being how you described the morning scene, the fight scene with the wolves and Aurora's dream scene at the end. I like how you empowered your delicate and beautiful main character when she had to cure the prince's wounds and all the soldiers let her be in charge of caring for him. It was a nice change to see. I can't see anything that should be changed, you're already clearly skilled and have many reviews and followers so good luck in how you decide to end your story!
17Encore19Wow you're an amazing writer! First off I think your writing style is very descriptive which is a good thing to see when you're already into the thirty-first chapter of your story. Examples of this being how you described the morning scene, the fight scene with the wolves and Aurora's dream scene at the end. I like how you empowered your delicate and beautiful main character when she had to cure the prince's wounds and all the soldiers let her be in charge of caring for him. It was a nice change to see. I can't see anything that should be changed, you're already clearly skilled and have many reviews and followers so good luck in how you decide to end your story!
10/28/2012 c25 stuck in bed
Ugh, I really don't like Brynhild. How can she still be obsessed with Frederick after all those years? I do suppose it brings out the creepy side of her in a subtle way. It does show that she hasn't changed at all. I also liked the simplistic language used here. Aurora's thoughts bring out how...well, somewhat "normal" her life is. As in, it's full of domestic matters and not really so tragic. Then again, she doesn't know the full story, does she?
The only thing I'd have to pick on would be this: "He was always eating them and then he would get very close to your face and whisper. The whole castle could smell him coming." The two sentences somehow don't...fit. It talks about him coming close and whispering but then it switches to the whole castle smelling onions, meaning that he would have to be quite far. Maybe you should add a sentence between them in order to produce more of a flow.
Ugh, I really don't like Brynhild. How can she still be obsessed with Frederick after all those years? I do suppose it brings out the creepy side of her in a subtle way. It does show that she hasn't changed at all. I also liked the simplistic language used here. Aurora's thoughts bring out how...well, somewhat "normal" her life is. As in, it's full of domestic matters and not really so tragic. Then again, she doesn't know the full story, does she?
The only thing I'd have to pick on would be this: "He was always eating them and then he would get very close to your face and whisper. The whole castle could smell him coming." The two sentences somehow don't...fit. It talks about him coming close and whispering but then it switches to the whole castle smelling onions, meaning that he would have to be quite far. Maybe you should add a sentence between them in order to produce more of a flow.
10/28/2012 c2 9Highway Unicorn
[A dish made primarily with deer waste, and served only to the lower servants.] :O Is that a real dish? Did people really serve that to the servants back then? If so, then I appluad you for your research of ancient times. :D But still...deer poop...eww. XP
[In a single quick motion she had his trousers unfastened and her hand circled around him.] Woah. She's determined. XD
I like the dramatic/intense relationship you've created between Brynhild and Frederick; it's very believable and enjoyable to read. And it also creates this mystery around them that leads the readers, or at least I, wanted to learn more. :)
I love Oren; he's a little spoiled brat, and I know he's just going to grow up to be a prick. XD I cannot wait to read how he acts when he's older. His character alone promises a good read. :)
9Highway Unicorn[A dish made primarily with deer waste, and served only to the lower servants.] :O Is that a real dish? Did people really serve that to the servants back then? If so, then I appluad you for your research of ancient times. :D But still...deer poop...eww. XP
[In a single quick motion she had his trousers unfastened and her hand circled around him.] Woah. She's determined. XD
I like the dramatic/intense relationship you've created between Brynhild and Frederick; it's very believable and enjoyable to read. And it also creates this mystery around them that leads the readers, or at least I, wanted to learn more. :)
I love Oren; he's a little spoiled brat, and I know he's just going to grow up to be a prick. XD I cannot wait to read how he acts when he's older. His character alone promises a good read. :)
10/28/2012 c4 5Whirlymerle
I love how you juxtapose the image of the maids' giggling and chattering with Brynhild putting poison in the mead. Such a party pooper. :( In all seriousness though, the fact that she needs to make her plague believable and kill all innocent people shows how horrible she is. If it's anyone's fault, it's Frederick's, I think, which makes the whole thing pretty messed up, but I digress.
[will you please follow me back to the castle, I want to change before the evening meal?"] I think it would read better as "will you please follow me back to the castle? I want to change before the evening meal."
I wasn't a huge fan of the ending. There was nothing specifically wrong with it, but I just feel like it needs some more drama.
5WhirlymerleI love how you juxtapose the image of the maids' giggling and chattering with Brynhild putting poison in the mead. Such a party pooper. :( In all seriousness though, the fact that she needs to make her plague believable and kill all innocent people shows how horrible she is. If it's anyone's fault, it's Frederick's, I think, which makes the whole thing pretty messed up, but I digress.
[will you please follow me back to the castle, I want to change before the evening meal?"] I think it would read better as "will you please follow me back to the castle? I want to change before the evening meal."
I wasn't a huge fan of the ending. There was nothing specifically wrong with it, but I just feel like it needs some more drama.
10/28/2012 c3 Whirlymerle
Chilling chapter!
I think your writing does a great job of eliciting emotions from the reader. I like how you have Aurorette expressing her desire to be friends with Brynhild even as Byrnhild plans to kill her. I think it shows excellently how ruthless Brynhild is, since even though she feels terrible, it doesn't stop her own selfishness.
I really like the detail about Brynhild grinding up the poison with her father's spoon because I think it conveys how terrible she is (not listening to his advice AND using his spoon to do it in a super subtle way. I still think she's sympathetic, but in this chapter, her awfulness comes out.
Chilling chapter!
I think your writing does a great job of eliciting emotions from the reader. I like how you have Aurorette expressing her desire to be friends with Brynhild even as Byrnhild plans to kill her. I think it shows excellently how ruthless Brynhild is, since even though she feels terrible, it doesn't stop her own selfishness.
I really like the detail about Brynhild grinding up the poison with her father's spoon because I think it conveys how terrible she is (not listening to his advice AND using his spoon to do it in a super subtle way. I still think she's sympathetic, but in this chapter, her awfulness comes out.
10/28/2012 c2 Whirlymerle
[Cried Lord Guerin] lowercase "cried"?
Oh wow, what an interesting chapter. I love the subtle hints you give to show that something's wrong with Brynhild, like when Oren calls her a witch. I thought it was great foreshadowing and made the piece really interesting.
I really like Brynhild as the antagonist. I think you did a great job of making her sympathetic, and therefore, complicated. I like the idea that she and Frederick had a thing going on before Aurorette came along, and the way you show how she longed for Frederick to look at her is sweet in a tragic sort of way.
[Cried Lord Guerin] lowercase "cried"?
Oh wow, what an interesting chapter. I love the subtle hints you give to show that something's wrong with Brynhild, like when Oren calls her a witch. I thought it was great foreshadowing and made the piece really interesting.
I really like Brynhild as the antagonist. I think you did a great job of making her sympathetic, and therefore, complicated. I like the idea that she and Frederick had a thing going on before Aurorette came along, and the way you show how she longed for Frederick to look at her is sweet in a tragic sort of way.
10/27/2012 c31 5Persevera
As horrible a person as Bryn has been, she did give Aurora the skills that allowed her to save Kaspar.
Sweet conversation they had about the legends and how he's dreamed of and longed for her all his life.
It will be interesting to see who she ends up talking to about Senora and Ranulf. She needs to have a nice long talk with Senora.
God should be capitalized.
I saw a couple of other typos, mostly synonyms, like taught for taut, winch instead of wince and stocked for stoked
But I loved this chapter
5PerseveraAs horrible a person as Bryn has been, she did give Aurora the skills that allowed her to save Kaspar.
Sweet conversation they had about the legends and how he's dreamed of and longed for her all his life.
It will be interesting to see who she ends up talking to about Senora and Ranulf. She needs to have a nice long talk with Senora.
God should be capitalized.
I saw a couple of other typos, mostly synonyms, like taught for taut, winch instead of wince and stocked for stoked
But I loved this chapter
10/26/2012 c2 3Katsurou Shimizu
Ah, so this is a Brynhild-centric chapter? I like how the development was handled here. It was clear from the onset she was going to be antagonist (or maybe I might be proven wrong), but her motivations are understandable: an unrequited love with the king, and the yearning for that attention that would never be reciprocated. And considering that young Price Oren is a bit of a brat, I can see why she was having dark thoughts at the end of the chapter, perhaps contemplating to carry them out already. And that's a real plus point for a writer, to create villains that readers could empathise with.
Mask (2012)
3Katsurou ShimizuAh, so this is a Brynhild-centric chapter? I like how the development was handled here. It was clear from the onset she was going to be antagonist (or maybe I might be proven wrong), but her motivations are understandable: an unrequited love with the king, and the yearning for that attention that would never be reciprocated. And considering that young Price Oren is a bit of a brat, I can see why she was having dark thoughts at the end of the chapter, perhaps contemplating to carry them out already. And that's a real plus point for a writer, to create villains that readers could empathise with.
Mask (2012)
10/26/2012 c30 5Persevera
You mean after everything she did you're going to make me feel sorry for Bryn again?
[She could feel the sickness tangle itself through her body. There were stones of bitter memories in her lungs and no matter how many times she tried to expel them from her body they grew back stronger and more immediate.]-great analogies
There's an interesting dynamic forming between Aurora, Dirk and Kaspar. She might just think of Dirk as someone who can be a friend, while she still reacts to Kaspar's shy touch but they both probably love her. [Their called Edelweiss]-They're
5PerseveraYou mean after everything she did you're going to make me feel sorry for Bryn again?
[She could feel the sickness tangle itself through her body. There were stones of bitter memories in her lungs and no matter how many times she tried to expel them from her body they grew back stronger and more immediate.]-great analogies
There's an interesting dynamic forming between Aurora, Dirk and Kaspar. She might just think of Dirk as someone who can be a friend, while she still reacts to Kaspar's shy touch but they both probably love her. [Their called Edelweiss]-They're
10/23/2012 c6 43LuckycoolHawk9
I like how Brynhild is trying to convince the prince at the end of the chapter because it makes her seem almost human and not a woman bent on revenge for stealing her childhood love. I disliked how she was trying to calm everyone down though because she has no right too. . they are scared of the disease and it is a very human thing to do and it seems she is trying to take away her humanity.
43LuckycoolHawk9I like how Brynhild is trying to convince the prince at the end of the chapter because it makes her seem almost human and not a woman bent on revenge for stealing her childhood love. I disliked how she was trying to calm everyone down though because she has no right too. . they are scared of the disease and it is a very human thing to do and it seems she is trying to take away her humanity.
10/21/2012 c7 10Complex Variable
Spelling/Grammar / Other (My suggestions):
[She was taken to the tomb of Queens – a pale marble Mausoleum on a secluded part of the castles grounds.] - - - shouldn't "tomb" be capitalized and "Mausoleum" be lower-case? Also, "castles grounds" is wrong. It should be "castle's grounds" or "castle grounds" (I prefer the latter).
[illness kept many, who would otherwise attend such a service naturally,] - - - I'm not sure the comma after "many" should be there.
[cough was reported] - - - why not "had been reported" ?
[Brynhild had not realized before now just how young the Queen had been.] - - - I would write "It was only now that Brynhild realized just how young the Queen had been."
["Set the cauldron to boil!"] - - - I would say "to a boil"
["Get to it!" she yelled. "Don't make me tell you again!"] - - - why not ["Get to it!" she yelled, "and don't make me tell you again!"]
[and all other Queen's] - - - the apostrophe doesn't belong there.
["Go on." The King] - - - ["Go on," the King]
[She guided me into who it was that I was born to become.] - - - this sentence sounds really awkward. I know what you're trying to say, but there has to be a clearer way to say it than that.
Plot:
I would like to see this chapter expanded upon. Brynhild's attempts to re-kindle her relationship with the King makes for an interesting chapter, yes, but, I really think you should spend more time on the funeral—particularly the mourning that comes afterward. A death of a loved one provides the perfect opportunity for you to really show us what your characters are all about; besides, I think you could write it really well.
Character:
Brynhild has gotten a little less interesting in this chapter; she's more cliché than she was in the earlier chapters of your story. Especially given all the yelling that she does in this chapter, it makes her seem like an "ordinary" b-hy spurned lover. I think that you could make this story much more compelling if you made Brynhild somewhat easier for the reader to sympathize with. Especially given your story's focus on the interpersonal dynamic of things, trying to step away from the disney-esque moral absolutism that defines so many fables and fairy tales would make your already distinguished Sleeping Beauty retelling truly unique.
Other: By the way, have you read the Nibelüngenlied? Kriemhild, IMO is a perfect example of a sympathetic villainess, just as Hagen is an example of a not-very-likable hero; the moral ambiguity of the 'lied is one of the things that makes it so interesting to read, and, I cannot help but try to imagine your story as gravitating toward that gorgeous level of complexity; it's where TSPtD belongs, really.
CV
10Complex VariableSpelling/Grammar / Other (My suggestions):
[She was taken to the tomb of Queens – a pale marble Mausoleum on a secluded part of the castles grounds.] - - - shouldn't "tomb" be capitalized and "Mausoleum" be lower-case? Also, "castles grounds" is wrong. It should be "castle's grounds" or "castle grounds" (I prefer the latter).
[illness kept many, who would otherwise attend such a service naturally,] - - - I'm not sure the comma after "many" should be there.
[cough was reported] - - - why not "had been reported" ?
[Brynhild had not realized before now just how young the Queen had been.] - - - I would write "It was only now that Brynhild realized just how young the Queen had been."
["Set the cauldron to boil!"] - - - I would say "to a boil"
["Get to it!" she yelled. "Don't make me tell you again!"] - - - why not ["Get to it!" she yelled, "and don't make me tell you again!"]
[and all other Queen's] - - - the apostrophe doesn't belong there.
["Go on." The King] - - - ["Go on," the King]
[She guided me into who it was that I was born to become.] - - - this sentence sounds really awkward. I know what you're trying to say, but there has to be a clearer way to say it than that.
Plot:
I would like to see this chapter expanded upon. Brynhild's attempts to re-kindle her relationship with the King makes for an interesting chapter, yes, but, I really think you should spend more time on the funeral—particularly the mourning that comes afterward. A death of a loved one provides the perfect opportunity for you to really show us what your characters are all about; besides, I think you could write it really well.
Character:
Brynhild has gotten a little less interesting in this chapter; she's more cliché than she was in the earlier chapters of your story. Especially given all the yelling that she does in this chapter, it makes her seem like an "ordinary" b-hy spurned lover. I think that you could make this story much more compelling if you made Brynhild somewhat easier for the reader to sympathize with. Especially given your story's focus on the interpersonal dynamic of things, trying to step away from the disney-esque moral absolutism that defines so many fables and fairy tales would make your already distinguished Sleeping Beauty retelling truly unique.
Other: By the way, have you read the Nibelüngenlied? Kriemhild, IMO is a perfect example of a sympathetic villainess, just as Hagen is an example of a not-very-likable hero; the moral ambiguity of the 'lied is one of the things that makes it so interesting to read, and, I cannot help but try to imagine your story as gravitating toward that gorgeous level of complexity; it's where TSPtD belongs, really.
CV
10/20/2012 c5 43LuckycoolHawk9
I liked how we got Brynhild worrying that her true love might drink the posion because it shows she has a heart. I disliked how she decides it was a good idea to throw it into the ground because she seems like a bright women... and it seems out of character. Still a great read. (Rule 10 -Easy Fix)
43LuckycoolHawk9I liked how we got Brynhild worrying that her true love might drink the posion because it shows she has a heart. I disliked how she decides it was a good idea to throw it into the ground because she seems like a bright women... and it seems out of character. Still a great read. (Rule 10 -Easy Fix)