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for To Sleep Perchance to Dream

10/20/2012 c29 5Persevera
Technique-This flashback explains so much from the past. Frederick's knowing that Bryn was responsible for all of the deaths can be attributed to his knowing that she had all of the plant and potion knowledge from her father.

Bryn's and Frederick's relationship was more than he wanted to admit later. She didn't just imagine that he cared about her. At one point, anyway, he really had.

Kaspar is smitten. I like that he walked in to the conversation about the spinning wheel and automatically said that they'd take it then ordered the men to be so careful with it. And of course the horseback ride with his holding her tight. I assume the next chapter will be their part of the trip.

And for another twist we have Dmitri's attempt to save Aurora. Is he in love with her too? Will he let her go or follow?
10/20/2012 c28 Persevera
[Kaspar furrowed his eyebrows, although he was convinced that the old woman was not a danger to either he or his men he was still uncertain of her story.] I think a new sentence should begin after eyebrows.
[It was hidden, they say, by the witches spells."] Need an apostrophe for witch's

Aurora's relationship with the prince has advanced quickly. I guess he grew up imagining her as his wife and as long as she didn't disappoint, love at first sight was inevitable. Of course that wasn't the condition for her. I'd actually thought she might be interested in Dirk, but she seems to have warmed up to Kaspar.

The legend that's developed is so fanciful. Lisbet might have known that the woman she saw was evil and imagined her as a witch, but to claim that there was a princess being held...why would she have thought that the baby was still alive?

The plot is taking an interesting twist. I can see tension developing between Ranulf and Kaspar, as Ranulf wants Bryn to get her just desserts and Kaspar protecting her for Aurora's sake.
10/20/2012 c27 Persevera
Aurora was amazing in this chapter, swimming in the cold river and still keeping the meat dry, running home then acting as though everything's fine with her mother. She really loves that shrew and is apparently willing to face down the prince and his army to protect her.

Technique-I like how you often include old world tasks in the chapters-cleaning the rabbit her, the spinning earlier and then Bryn's "withcraft" earlier. You've either immersed yourself in that kind of lore, which wouldn't be surprising for a student of Shakespeare, or you research each subject as you come to it. Either way, good work.

You didn't have a lot of flowery descriptions here and that was good. This was a chapter for tension and panic, not languid language.

The crumbling castle is an interesting setting. It's actually only been about 30 years since the first murders and exodus. While there would be some disrepair and dilapidation, I wonder if some of its advanced erosion might be karma or something.
10/20/2012 c24 stuck in bed
I really liked this chapter. I think it fully signalizes the end of a section of your story (in this case, part 2). I liked how Oren appeared to Aurelia; it may seem like Aurelia's just becoming delirious, but certain things that Oren say, such as "Everyone always said it; even when we were children" dismiss this idea. I think that really brings out the fairytale side of this story.

I think you portrayed Brynhild beautifully. I don't like her, but the fact that she mourns Aurelia, despite having caused her death, adds something sinister to her character. If anyone doubted if she was mad or not, is now convinced. The last line was a good touch - Brynhild said the exact same thing to Aurelia when she was a baby. It seems as though history is going to repeat itself (although I doubt that).
10/20/2012 c6 Liquid Spear Waltz
Looks like Bryn finally got what she wanted *insert evil cackle here*.
10/20/2012 c5 Liquid Spear Waltz
Wow, I just realized that Aurorette with with Frederick, not the Queen. Major fail on my part lol.
10/20/2012 c4 Liquid Spear Waltz
'Oren had both hands around his mother's neck, and he began to lay slobbery kisses against both of her cheeks.' Reads rather awkwardly. Don't have your characters "begin to do something," "try to do something," and so forth. Just have them do it. Considering reworking it as ''Oren had both hands around his mother's neck and slobbered kisses on each cheek.'

'"Thank you, Brynhild. Now Oren, give me a kiss." Oren kissed his mother on the cheek again, this time with less vehemence now that it was clear he would not be getting what he wanted.' This description isn't needed. Just leave in 'this time with less vehemence'. You don't need to always explain why a character acts/feels a certain way, especially in this case where it was pretty obvious why he wasn't upset anymore. Let your characters actions speak for them.

'Brynhild didn't chase after him. Neither caring, or worrying about what kind of mischief he might get himself into.' Again, unneeded explanation of her character. We already know Bryn's distaste for Oren (which is an understandable distaste, I might add). Just leave in 'Brynhild didn't chase after him.'

'Brynhild didn't understand, usually children enjoyed her company.' Have her do something here to show her confusion. Raise at eyebrow, gasp in surprise, etc.

I thought she was trying to kill only one person (the Queen), but now it looks as if she might put many lives in jeopardy? And she's the protagonist, who is traditionally a good character. This adds a facet of moral ambiguity to your work. Nice.
10/20/2012 c3 Liquid Spear Waltz
I've been so busy with college and outlining my own story (which is on hold) that I forgot about reading this! Sorry about that.

'"What happened?" the Queen asked again, "Did someone strike you?"' No point in saying 'The Queen asked again', as it's obvious that she did and this is redundant. Don't spoon feed us readers and insult our intelligence :P Just use 'The Queen said' or 'What happened?/, D/did someone strike you?'

Hmm, maybe italicize the dialogue with her father to emphasize that it was a flashback?

So the plot thickens! I have a feeling about who she's trying to kill...
10/19/2012 c1 5Whirlymerle
Hey from the review game depth!
First of all, I loved the title and its allusion to Hamlet.

Scene: I thought I got an excellent sense of scenery in this prologue. I love the rich details you put into the story, like the fist sized onions and the way the battalions moved like a snake. Everything is totally picture-able. It's a lovely introduction and way to get immersed into your world, I think. I also just like how you juxtapose Brynhild cooking and taking care of the princess with the soldiers coming in from war. I thought it was a nice way to suggest that even though things are so far peaceful feeling, there are possibly violent external events going on.

Character: Well, I'm guessing Brynhild is some sort of midwife/nursemaid? Even though we don't know much about the characters by the nature of the prologue, I really enjoyed reading about Brynhild and her daily activities. She seems like a calm, loving individual, yet I get a sense of efficiency about her as well, which I feel like shows her servant status.

Overall: I enjoyed this prologue. I thought the overall calm of the scenes was a fitting way to begin a retelling of Sleeping Beauty. However, this prologue didn't completely get me hooked into the story. I don't think this overall detracts from your work in any way, but I just feel like a little more intrigue wouldn't hurt either.

Grammar/Spelling: [The fires in the dining hall were lit; meat turning on their spits by the many kitchen boys whose fingers quickly blackened from the soot.] The semicolon should be a comma because the second clause is dependent.
[The preparations started immediately after the messenger first arrived, and had continued well into the evening.] Technically, there shouldn't be a comma after "arrived" because your list doesn't contain three or more items and the coordinating conjunction isn't followed by a main clause.

10/19/2012 c26 5Persevera
I like that more characters are being introduced. I came to love the sweet incestuous couple but I'm glad there's someone coming now to challenge Bryn.
I don't have a good first impression of the prince. He'd lead an army just for personal glory and to find a wife. It doesn't say much for him.
10/17/2012 c8 44professional griefer
I didn't like the pacing of this chapter, it felt quite slow and bored me a bit. Some of the things are interesting, like her plans, but Brynhild's angst about Frederick is pretty much the same as it's been before. I thought you could have made this more than one scene and it wouldn't suffer.
I did like how you conveyed Brynhild's emotions, I could feel almost everything she felt with perfect clarity due to your wording.
I think things need to pick up, but over all it's pretty good.
10/17/2012 c29 19Anihyr Moonstar
Senora's character fascinates me. Despite Kaspar's chilly attitude towards her and the obvious "disapproval" rampant around whatever relationship she has with the Duke of Anhalt, I like her, and am quite curious about her. She seems genuinely friendly despite all the negativity around her and I wonder if she'll play any signficant role later on since it would seem a shame to waste her.

Ranulf is as nasty as ever, as he proves in the scene with Dmitri. I do wonder a little at the point of that scene, though. Was it simply to clear up in the readers' minds the "What happened to him?" question, so we know that he knows where she's gone. I mean, on the one hand it makes sense that he'd be concerned for Aurora, but on the other the scene itself feels very...tossed in there. He was there, almost got killed, and then he runs off. End. Might just be me.

I also enjoyed the insight into Bryn and Fredrick's past. I still, and will always, hate Bryn. I don't care how much the narrative might try to make her sympathetic - nothing in her past makes all the horrible things she's done "okay". However, it is nice to see the depth of what they had once upon a time, as it's only really hinted at in the earlier stages of the story. Here, we really get to see it fleshed out, raw and alive, and it's sad to see that something once beautiful had to go so horribly awry.

I definitely enjoyed this chapter. I felt like the writing was concise and the characters kept it moving along at a brisk pace. The shift between Aurora and Bryn's perspective was a tiny bump in the road of "smooth", but not enough to be objectionable. Also, it felt longer/meatier than usual so that was nice. :P Looking forward to the next bit. :)

- Moonstar
10/14/2012 c25 5Persevera
The spinning was an interesting plot device to introduce Aurora. From that we know that she's meticulous and competent and she's been well-trained and doesn't seem to have the strained relationship with Bryn that Aurelia did.

Bryn seems to have mellowed a little. She was considerate of Aurora's feelings when she rejected the soup, telling her it smelled delicious. Maybe the ghosts are closing in on her. When she first said Aury, I had the feeling that she was thinking about Aurelia.

The dialogue, while simple, brings some interesting questions. Does Bryn not carry on the fantasy with Aurora that her father was the king and that she was the queen? She seemed to be talking about Oren instead.

The ending was hopeful. You knew that the women weren't completely alone. There was a huntsman in the area and Aurora would be able to get them meat in exchange for her craftsmanship.
10/14/2012 c2 Liquid Spear Waltz
Hey, we have similar character names! One of my characters who hasn’t been revealed yet is named Brunhilda… *high fives*

‘Bloated with guests’ sounds a little awkward. When I think of bloated, I think of someone being full, not a room.

‘”To the King,” the courtiers echoed.’ Drop the echoed bit. They obviously said that the same exact thing Guerin did so this is redundant. It’s better to just use ‘said’ for the most part. Many readers’ eyes don’t always roll over your writing as smoothly as they would if you just used said. It’s versatile enough on its own for the most part. Just describe what the character does after dialogue.

‘yawned emphatically’ how can you yawn emphatically? You usually yawn when you’re tired or bored. Some people (like me) yawn for no apparent reason at times, but either way this description sounds awkward. You don’t always need an adverb to accompany what a character does. Just let their body language or actions speak for them.

'Bryhild was weary of him’. Show, don’t tell. Cliched tip, I know—but it’s so true. You could’ve made her scowl at him once he started complaining. The umbel pie bit is hilarious, though and makes up for it :D

That was so sudden, with Oren hitting her. I’m starting to dislike him myself. You do a good job of conveying him to be a spoiled brat.

‘just meeting his gaze was not enough, she wanted to hear his voice, watch his lips dance out the words, watch the way his mouth formed them.’ Good description. Right from the start, we already know she’s attracted to him. And you didn’t even describe how he looked like.

‘You came,’ she breathed. Again, unnecessary verb. Unless she was doing something physical that made her lose her breath, this is unneeded.

The interaction between Bryn (I can call her that, right? :P) and Frederic was the strongest scene in this chapter. It makes me think of the history they had together…some type of forbidden love, I’m guessing.

The ending makes me want to keep reading. ‘She knew what needed to be done’ is vague enough to mean something about Frederick or maybe something entirely different.

Overall, this story intrigues me. The writing felt a bit sharper in the prologue though; perhaps vivid descriptions are your strong suit.

I will probably continue the read this, Review Game or not.
10/14/2012 c11 5Dr. Self Destruct
Character: I hate to say it, but Brynhild has definitely gone off the deep end in this chapter. I really like how twisted this all is, how she's stripping Frederick naked and sleeping in the same bed as him. It gives me the creeps, thinking of lying in the same bed as a dead body, and I think you do a great job getting that disconcerting feeling into the narration, not to mention how you allow her insanity to affect the reader as well. I think I had a grimace on my face the entire time I was reading this, and seeing the transformation Brynhild has taken from the first chapter to this one is very chilling.

Beginning: Gotta admit, I think she deserves what happened to Frederick, though it's unfortunate he had to die to teach her a lesson. I like how he at least comes to the revelation that she caused all this before he dies. And I also enjoy the detail you pay to Frederick's physical appearance when afflicted by this poison. You don't need to say he's going to die because his condition is apparent enough through the description alone.

Ending: Oh god, that's just creepy, haha. Good job keeping this creepy vibe throughout the chapter. That image of Brynhild walking into Oren's room naked and covered in blood is just... damn. Not to mention how she swallows his blood after it seeps out of his mouth from her lying on top of him. This ending really brings up the question as to what she's going to ultimately do with the body, and if it'll eventually start to decompose (or what she's going to do when it *does* start to decompose). Now I'm really interested to see what happens next.


["Frederick!" she sighed again, clasping both of her hands on either side of his face, "Why did you do it?" She begged, cursing as she pulled his muddy boots off, "You weren't supposed to get sick, just the others."]

Edit: Punctuation should be like this:

"Frederick!" [S]he sighed again, clasping both of her hands on either side of his face."Why did you do it?" [s]he begged, cursing as she pulled his muddy boots off."You weren't supposed to get sick, just the others."

[She kissed him forcibly on the mouth, and tasted blood, "You're going to be alright," she ordered, cutting away his sodden shirt, which was already translucent with sweat. "I will make you well. You will not die!"]

Edit: She kissed him forcibly on the mouth, and tasted blood."You're going to be alright," she ordered, cutting away his sodden shirt, which was already translucent with sweat. "I will make you well. You will not die!"

["Aurorette? Aurorette?" Frederick head lolled from side to side.]

Edit: - Frederick's

[and it looked to be untouched and unchanged from when she original left it there.]

Edit: - originally

[His skin was already colder than it should have been, and moving his arm so that it draped around her, and pulled the blankets up to cover them both.]

Edit: His skin was already colder than it should have been[. She moved] his arm so that it draped around her, and pulled the blankets up to cover them both.

[Oren didn't know that Brynhild was covered in his own father's blood, and before she could say anything to him, he clutched the blanket tighter to himself and fainted. His head meeting the floor with a loud thump.]

Edit: Here you slip into Oren's POV, so you may want to take this out to stay consistent with Brynhild's POV.
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