5/29/2013 c5 GossamerSilverglow
The guilt (worry really) from Bryn in the first section of this chapter was surprising since she didn’t show anything in regards to that when Meg and Pater bit the dust. Her starting to second guess herself doesn’t make her seem as callous as before. I really hate that you’re making me sympathize even more with Bryn. I feel bad for her even though she was going to poison a woman for her husbands crimes, even though she’d taken a mother away from her child. Having to see what she’s seeing is very cruel, especially all the years she’s endured with them. The hope the king had been giving her being taken away from her like that because he’d decided he’d had enough and then her having to see them make love so passionately…she may as well have sold her soul.

Honestly, after seeing what she’d seen, had I been in her place (and had I gotten to that severe a point) I would’ve left the mead and would’ve prayed they both drank it. *Shrugs* oh well. I’m curious as to where the rest of this story is going. I really thought this plot would carry on further, but it’s a good twist to end it so soon. I still find myself wondering if it’s going to be Oren or the daughter that ends up being the main character. It just feels like it’s headed that way, like instead of waiting to give us the background information of their lives you’ve started with it so that the readers are far more invested in the characters than they would’ve been had they been forced to continue guessing. Awesome job!

5/28/2013 c3 GossamerSilverglow
Oh lord, Bryn is gonna try and kill Queen Aurorette? I almost feel sorry for Broom. The king has played her along and maybe at one point he did love her, but choosing Aurorette over her should’ve been where she got a back bone. All the same, the king should’ve stopped after that, left her alone, because he didn’t’ I feel that whatever happens to him is fair game. Still, Broom shoulda been stronger in saying no. I only hope she doesn’t involve the daughter in this. I would like for Aurorette to find out and leave her husband, make him realize what he’s done. That there are consequences to thinking he can have and do whatever he wants.

This chapter was too damn short, but I sure hope that poisoness plant is going to be ingested by a male and not a female. I’ll be upset if it’s Aurorette that has to suffer because of her husband. Given the fact that these chapters are so short I’m honestly amazed at how well you’ve characterized all of your characters. I get the ornery, yet lonely behavior of Oren (his dislike for Bryn has to be some type of foreshadow on who he’ll be as an adult-I’m thinking kind, still rambunctious as hell, but he’ll be able to tell the true nature of someone or if they’re lying deceivers), the upsetting and hopeless situation of Bryn, the obliviousness and gentled nature of Queen Aurorette, and the randy, but guilt stricken King.

Each character falls into place so nicely and I’m already entirely invested into each one. I don’t want anyone to die, but Bryn is in love with a married man that couldn’t let her go soon enough. Someone is going to pay; I just hope it’s not someone innocent. The ending of this chapter was very ominous and while I have an idea of what is going to happen I’m still left guessing. This makes me want to hurry and read the next chapter to see what happens, which I’m going to do.

5/28/2013 c1 GossamerSilverglow
I get a very distinct setting with this first paragraph. Even though it said ‘steadily’ I see the kings ‘entourage’ charging forward on horses to this huge castle. Including that the castle even seemed to quake with anticipation was also well placed and helped set the general emotion of the prologue. The second paragraph only added to the atmosphere as well, I especially loved the addition of the meat turning on their ‘spits’. I get the Renaissance Faire feeling, only you know, it probably is around the Renaissance.

“Then Brynhild scored an ear of lettuce with her hunting knife until the leaves were as thin and small as eyelashes.” This was so well written I’m really kind of envious of it. Like I totally want the rights to this sentence and maybe others can’t appreciate this particular piece of mastery the way I do, but scoring an ear of lettuce with a hunting knife and making the pieces as small as eyelashes…the creativity alone warrants just as much awe as the idea of the lettuce being as small as eyelashes alone. Why eyelashes…because they’re small enough to get the point across without loosing another sentence to unnecessary description. It was a well chosen comparison.

Why Brynhild? I keep on saying Broomhilda every time I see it. Okay, so the scene was marvelously set in the beginning. I loved the feel of celebration the first few paragraphs held and when the scene transition to Broom, um Bryn, taking care of the Kings daughter I also felt the shift in the atmosphere. I don’t know if you meant for it to feel sinister, but it did. I have a feeling this daughter of the king is going to not only be a major role in the story, but is also going to have many, many problems. No mistakes found, but honestly I think my review is longer than the prologue.

5/25/2013 c31 5Dr. Self Destruct
Ending: I think I'm gonna start by talking about the ending. I really enjoyed that ending image of the dream. I think the way you describe it is really cool and vivid, especially the descriptions and the attention you pay to the crows. The dream feels really eerie, and i wonder if it's some type of foreshadowing of what is going to eventually happen to Bryn. But since Frederick isn't there to stab her, who's going to do it? I'm thinking either Kaspar or Aurora. Personally I hope Aurora does it, since Bryn did murder Aurora's mother and father. But yeah, some great imagery there at the end, I really love it.

Setting: I think you have some great setting descriptions in this chapter. I know in the past I admitted to wanting more of an expansive setting, but I think lately, and especially in this chapter, you've found a really nice balance between setting and exposition. There's a lot more character interaction with the setting, which really helps develop movement and build on the surroundings at the same time. Like when Aurora leaves her tent, I love that description of how the dirt molded to her feet. It's very visual, and due to the action, it's really easy for me to picture.

Pacing: I did think the pacing dragged a bit during the scene where Aurora is stitching up Kaspar. I think slimming down on some of the details and maybe summarizing some of it will really help with that. I can see where it might be considered relationship development, but I feel like the summarizing would still be able to get that same interaction across, since Kaspar and Aurora don't really interact directly too much during that anyways. Maybe less dialogue, or have the dialogue summarized - stuff like that. This chapter is a lot longer than all your others, and while there's nothing wrong with varying chapter lengths, I did feel like the chapter itself was stretched longer than it needed to be.

Relationships: But touching a little bit more on the relationship part, I did like the ending of this chapter when Aurora and Kaspar had some heart-to-heart time. Not really sure how I feel about him admitting he loved her the first moment he saw her, though. But I know that's entirely personal preference - I'm just a firm disbeliever in love at first sight. But since this is based off of a fairy tale, I can see where that type of trope would make sense. But keep in mind tropes are tropes because they're so common - if you wanted to break away from a usual convention and experiment with a new twist in a fairy tale plot, this might be the place to start. Perhaps not making Kaspar so enamored with Aurora - and the other way around - could procure some interesting results in the plot and their relationship. Just something to think about. :)

5/24/2013 c30 5Dr. Self Destruct
Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions:

["Yes," she breathed, "their so beautiful, and so delicate."

"Their called Edelweiss by my people."]

Edit: They're instead of their in both these sentences. Also, around this time I think you have Kaspar sigh about three times within a few paragraphs, so maybe alternate with some different action tags to keep them from becoming repetitive.

[Lying in her litter Brynhild sighed after having coughed herself awake. ]

Edit: I notice you often lack commas before names where there should be one. Probably one of your most common grammars mistakes. The comma really helps the reader understand when to pause, and they also help make the sentence make more sense. Without a comma it seems like Brynhild is a type of "litter" instead of Brynhild being the center of the action for that sentence.

[Frederick was already on the other side of the room, his britches were pulled up to his waist but they were unfastened, his wrinkled white shirt was clutched in his hand.]

Another common grammar issue I see is a lot of comma splices. You have two comma splices in this one sentence. Since "His wrinkled white shirt was clutched in his hand." is a complete sentence due to the verb "clutched" and the noun "his," you need to separate the two sentences with either a period, semi-colon, or remove the noun from the clauses so it'll read like this:

[Frederick was already on the other side of the room, his britches pulled up to his waist, but they were unfastened, his wrinkled white shirt clutched in his hand.]

Opening: I really like how you open with the image of Aurora sitting on the horse with Kaspar. The image itself is really nicely described, and I've noticed you always do a wonderful job of appealing to all the senses. This opening image really appeals to my sense of sound and touch, especially with how Aurora can feel Kaspar breathing against her back, or the way his voice causes his chestplate to vibrate. I think that's really cool and vivid, and it makes the scene all the more realistic and lively.

Scene: I really enjoy this scene between Bryn and Frederick. I think you do a great job writing sex scenes without them being too flowery or too raunchy. They're very much in the middle, and i enjoy how you pay attention to the anatomy. I also enjoy the detail and description you use. I've heard that a lot of more modern romance and erotic authors say to use less detail so the reader can fill the situation in with themselves, but I disagree with that. Personally I'm not much of a visual reader, so I really appreciate it when writers take the efforts to describe everything to me. Besides, the whole "use less description" feels more like a lazy excuse to me, one of which you don't suffer.

Plot: I feel really terrible for Bryn. Seeing these flashbacks, I can kind of see why she's so mentally deranged now. Not only did Frederick just drop her that quickly (what a dick), but her own father goes and calls her a whore and tells her how she's the laughing stock of the entire city. It's fucked up and twisted. I hate it how women were treated back in these days, like they were just some currency to use for bargaining and all that. It's horrible. And I think in this chapter you do a great job of showing us just how terrible that sort of thing can be.

5/22/2013 c16 CyhAnide
Crap, I ended up reading ahead...I guess I'll review this one, too.

Honestly, I'm kind of surprised at what they found in the tomb. Obviously, Aurorette is dead, but with the hints in chapter one I had somewhat expected something a little bit more intact. Of course that's just silly, but I was hoping. I really like Oren's reaction, too. I'm still not entirely sure how much he knows, but I'm sure that on some level he realizes the significance of those bones. It's all very intriguing...

I actually had no problems with this chapter other than a few typos, so I'll tack them on here. (Besides, this is a freebie. ;D Yay for no rules! )
[She tilted her head toward him, broken suddenly from the string of her own thoughts, "nothing," she breathed listlessly.]
- "nothing" should be capitalized, and perhaps start a new sentence here?

["—the woman I saw yesterday before you found."]
- I feel like this sentence should end with "me"

[He stood, reaching his arm out for her take...]
- "to" should be inserted between "her" and "take"

[...she could tell form his expression that that was the last place he wanted to go.]
- "form" to "from"

5/22/2013 c14 CyhAnide
The first and last lines of that poem were, in part, pretty much lines from one of Shakespeare's sonnets, weren't they? Interesting. I worry, though, that using a poem with such intense wording might confuse most readers. Not everyone has had to study how to break down poetry and derive the meaning in the texts. It's not entirely a negative, but definitely something to take into account.

Other than that, I really enjoyed the sudden supernatural turn taken with what I assume was the ghost of Aurorette. Obviously, she wasn't called by name, but there's really no one else who would have an attachment to Aurelia - and who happens to be a ghost. At this point, I suspect that Oren remembers enough to have a general idea of what happened during the epidemic, and perhaps enough to know that Aurelia is his sister. Interesting developments are afoot!

Here are a few typos/errors I caught:
[Her heartbeat was pounding with the veins in her writs feeling like they would burst from her skin like bees bursting from an irritated hive.]
- the first "with" should be "in" (The following "in can be changed to "of" to avoid repetition
- "writs" should be "wrists" and there should be a comma afterwards.

[...he pointed with index finger away from them...]
- "his" should be inserted after "with"

[And you never had any sibling, let alone a sister.]
- "sibling" should be plural