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for To Sleep Perchance to Dream

9/7/2012 c5 5Persevera
So she finally showed some remorse. At least she wasn't comfortable with Meg's death. (like)
But she paid a price, having to listen to Frederick with his wife, especially the "I love you". (men)
Some of the typos are especially jarring. Not able to tell what word exactly should be in its place-"Brynhild was weary(?) that no one accidently drink from the pitcher
9/7/2012 c4 Persevera
Oren burst throw the doorway-should be through
Brynhilde is really cold-blooded, willing to kill off a number of people to disguise her murder of the queen. The line about her studying the queen when she comes in the kitchen is good, showing how anxious she is for that outcome.
It's good you thought of the wet nurse for the baby. Your immersion in the medieval served you well
9/7/2012 c3 Persevera
I like the depiction of Brynhilde's ruthlessness and determination. Some of your phrases make it quite clear..."She didn't mind that her leather shoes soon grew wet and soggy from the moss and foliage." and "When she thought she had gathered enough she gathered still more, she would need plenty to boil her potion and carry out her plan." It would have helped though to know if she had ventured out like that after dark, maybe describe the moon.
I loved the irony of this line "I know you and the King were once playfellows, as you and the Prince are now". No, good queen, not like she is with the prince now at all
9/6/2012 c2 Persevera
Poor Brynhild. You wrote her devastation well. She gave too much of herself so when he rejected her, she had nothing, including pride.
I like the line "the room was bloated with guests". It describes not only the number of people in the room but the general character of the feast-too much wine, food, etc.
9/6/2012 c6 76The Autumn Queen
It feels like you're rushing the writing of this. There are a lot of minor mistakes that could easily be picked up by a proofreading. Eg. ["What is it?" He spat at her, visibly flustered.

"Please?" She pleaded: "What's happened."] - "What is it?" he spat at her. And "Please?" she pleaded. - in any case, a question mark dampens the pleading a little. Perhaps a comma and italics.

[a long ,] - no space before comma. ["She's just dreaming, a long ,] - I'd have a colon instead of that first comma as you're essentially defining the dream.

[A sudden convulsion overtook her, her back arched] - colon or semicolon?

[crocked] - croaked?

There's more but these were the ones that were glaring at me.

I like the fatherly aspect of Frederick that shows itself here. A mix of selfishness and selflessness.

I also particularly like the ending because it's a nice contrast between a childish adult and a matured child. Almost creepy the way you've written it and you built it up nicely as well.
9/6/2012 c5 The Autumn Queen
[Queen might be ill] – I think that would work better if you suggested the “falling ill” to be an inevitability. Eg. Waiting for the Queen to fall ill or waiting for her to succumb to the plague that gripped her people or something like that if you want to dress it up a little. There isn’t really much captivating it as you’ve phrased it. Particularly when it can still be classified as a part of the “opening”.

Again, some grammatical errors floating around. This time it’s mostly me not agreeing with your use of semi-colons. They’re usually used when you need to comma a comma (I can’t explain that one very well but it generally crops up in listing) or to split phrases that connect closely to each other but can be read separately in another context.

I do like how you’ve taken the time to flesh out the relationship between Queen and King/husband and wife though. It does well to create a backdrop – a sort of calm before the storm – before the tragedy we know is coming from the summary.
9/6/2012 c4 The Autumn Queen
["Let us hope not." The Queen said] – That should be “Let us hope not,” the Queen said.

[Let me take the Princess then, I'll have one of the wet nurses attend to her today so that you can rest.] – works better with a fullstop after “Princess then” as opposed to a comma. On that note, I don’t particularly like how you’re forgoeing other means of punctuation for commas. You’ve improved a little since the last chapters but that may be an overestimate as the chapters themselves are getting longer as well.

[Oren had both hands around his mother's neck, and began to lay slobbery kisses against both of her cheeks. "Oren, if your father does not think you are old enough, then I quite agree with him.] – since that’s the queen talking and Oren was the main subject of the initial sentence, there should be a page break in between there.

["Yes Lady; and I shall send one of the wet nurses up for the Princess shortly."] – not the place for a semicolon unless you scratch out the “and”.

[His tutors would eventually fine him and he would then become their responsibility, not hers.] – find?

[Oh Heaven's bless us!" Cried old Bess] – “cried”.

["It is a terrible loss, Bess, please take me to her family so that I may give my condolences. As for the rest of you, please still your cries, instead offer comfort to Meg and Pater's families. Come Bess, let us go. "] I don’t feel that’s a particularly effective way of completing the chapter. It drags a little in the light of the tragedy; it comes out a little emotionless. Breaking it up with speaker tags would work better.
9/6/2012 c3 The Autumn Queen
["Aurelia." Sighed ...] - that sounds like it should be "Aurelia," sighed...

["Will you take the Princess please," the queen handed the baby to Brynhild, she cried slightly, aware that she had left her mother's arms but Brynhild soothed her gently back into her cradle.] – I don’t like the way you’ve worded this sentence because, frankly, you’ve got too many commas and ideas mushed together. I think you could rework it as: “Will you take the Princess please?” The queen handed the baby to Brynhild; she cried silently [specify the she there because it sounds like the queen partially], aware…There’s a few other places you’ve done that as well.

The other thing I don’t particularly like is the direct way you’re giving us information. There’s too much tell and not enough show; a lot of what you mentioned could be worked in more smoothly but the way you’ve written it seems to half fit with a child audience and half a little older. It might work as a picture book sort of story, but it’s a little difficult to imagine it like that when reading through FP.

I like your ending though. And how you turned the sleep spell into a plague and the needle prick into poison. Of course, I just had my pharmacology MST and the one question I had no clue about had to be about poison…
9/5/2012 c11 17amavian
this is so creepy! and its the last chapter! omg please update soon.
9/5/2012 c10 amavian
guerin died too :( kay now your scarring me with the king drinking the water omg
9/5/2012 c9 amavian
omg whats going to happen? I cant wait for the next chap
9/5/2012 c8 amavian
wow
9/5/2012 c7 amavian
i like all the layers that you give your characters. you can tell the king did have feelings at one time for bryn, thats why hes so nice to her, even though shes nuts. i like the way you showed the struggle.
9/5/2012 c6 amavian
the queen dies :(
9/5/2012 c5 amavian
i really liked the intimate moment between the king and queen, but it was weird that bryn watched it... not sure if you wanted to show that she enjoyed it or not?
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