for Vince and I9/16/2012 c3 
4whatthegreencarrot
Ah! How did I not notice this update? *blames it on schoolwork* Ah, well, sorry for the late review...I can be a bit spacey at times.
[I crouched down to his level, since he was still leaning on the leg of a table for support. "Just... go away Emma." He said, staring intently at me. I stood up. "Do you know what your problem is, Vince? We already know mine, that I'm a bitch or whatever. But we already knew that. But, you, you're harder to figure out. You sit hunched over and stare... with those, those eyes. They're as black as your soul, Vince. And what do you do when you just stare at people? Murder them in your head? Come up with major war plans?" I took a breath. He stared into my eyes without even blinking.]
Right there, two people spoke in that single paragraph. In general, you shouldn't make two people speak in one paragraph. If you're going to throw dialogue in there, they have to have separate paragraphs.
Wow, that was fast. I thought that it was Josh who was having the crap beat out of him? A bit confused there, but besides that, it was good!
Wrapping this review up... There was this one part when she called Vince "Vincent," and you wrote something like [yup, I called him Vincent] or something of the sort. It's not the exact quote, but I'm on mobile, so I can't go back and check. The "yup" should've been in caps, though, I do remember that.
Ah, well, toodles! I'll try to review faster the next time you update. Death to homework...
4whatthegreencarrotAh! How did I not notice this update? *blames it on schoolwork* Ah, well, sorry for the late review...I can be a bit spacey at times.
[I crouched down to his level, since he was still leaning on the leg of a table for support. "Just... go away Emma." He said, staring intently at me. I stood up. "Do you know what your problem is, Vince? We already know mine, that I'm a bitch or whatever. But we already knew that. But, you, you're harder to figure out. You sit hunched over and stare... with those, those eyes. They're as black as your soul, Vince. And what do you do when you just stare at people? Murder them in your head? Come up with major war plans?" I took a breath. He stared into my eyes without even blinking.]
Right there, two people spoke in that single paragraph. In general, you shouldn't make two people speak in one paragraph. If you're going to throw dialogue in there, they have to have separate paragraphs.
Wow, that was fast. I thought that it was Josh who was having the crap beat out of him? A bit confused there, but besides that, it was good!
Wrapping this review up... There was this one part when she called Vince "Vincent," and you wrote something like [yup, I called him Vincent] or something of the sort. It's not the exact quote, but I'm on mobile, so I can't go back and check. The "yup" should've been in caps, though, I do remember that.
Ah, well, toodles! I'll try to review faster the next time you update. Death to homework...
9/12/2012 c3 beverlyamethyst
haha i love this :D
haha i love this :D
9/12/2012 c3 KaylaHeart
I like it! Good Cliff BTW! I think I wouldn't have liked a kiss rather than a makeout scene though. Update soon please!
I like it! Good Cliff BTW! I think I wouldn't have liked a kiss rather than a makeout scene though. Update soon please!
9/5/2012 c2 whatthegreencarrot
[I knocked josh over while he was still in his chair, I was so fast] Josh should be capitalized.
[I may be a small guy but hell, if you get me pissed off you better run. All the hatred I stored behind my eyes comes out in a fight. He tried, oh did he try... he even managed to stand up, but I was faster, stronger. Height had nothing to do with the power behind every punch. Hours of training, hours of channeling the hatred into precise blows.] Once again, the tenses are different. That particular sentence, "All the hatred I stored up behind my eyes comes out in a fight." You changed tenses in that very sentence, from present to past.
"I might've been a small guy, but hell, if you got me pissed off, it was the best option for you to run. All the hatred I stored up behind my eyes came out in a fight." That'd probably work better. Yay for quick updates :D
[I knocked josh over while he was still in his chair, I was so fast] Josh should be capitalized.
[I may be a small guy but hell, if you get me pissed off you better run. All the hatred I stored behind my eyes comes out in a fight. He tried, oh did he try... he even managed to stand up, but I was faster, stronger. Height had nothing to do with the power behind every punch. Hours of training, hours of channeling the hatred into precise blows.] Once again, the tenses are different. That particular sentence, "All the hatred I stored up behind my eyes comes out in a fight." You changed tenses in that very sentence, from present to past.
"I might've been a small guy, but hell, if you got me pissed off, it was the best option for you to run. All the hatred I stored up behind my eyes came out in a fight." That'd probably work better. Yay for quick updates :D
9/4/2012 c2 starsis
UPDATE SOON! I love this story :D. Its awesome!
UPDATE SOON! I love this story :D. Its awesome!
9/3/2012 c1 4whatthegreencarrot
[He slammed his food tray down and looked at me, with those dead, cold eyes. "You know what the problem with you is, Emma?" I stared him down. "No, what's my problem, Vince?" I snapped. "Is it that I don't sulk around and creepily stare at everyone, and then make murder plans or whatever in my head?" I asked, casually, while patiently waiting in line.]
The part where you wrote "I stared him down" should be a different paragraph from the last, since Emma spoke. There were a couple of mistakes in the tenses; one or two times you changed the tense from past to present, but it's late, so I'll show you the mistakes later...gosh, I'm tired. I know this is a rubbish review... Okay, moving on.
Hm, that's interesting...a 5'10 guys beating up a 6'2 guy? I'm guessing that Vince would have to have a lot more muscle on him than Josh. I like that you're writing from a popular person's point of view, most people wrote about "misunderstood people" or the book girls. Something like that.
Wrapping it up. Good start, it's on my follow list, and update soon :D
4whatthegreencarrot[He slammed his food tray down and looked at me, with those dead, cold eyes. "You know what the problem with you is, Emma?" I stared him down. "No, what's my problem, Vince?" I snapped. "Is it that I don't sulk around and creepily stare at everyone, and then make murder plans or whatever in my head?" I asked, casually, while patiently waiting in line.]
The part where you wrote "I stared him down" should be a different paragraph from the last, since Emma spoke. There were a couple of mistakes in the tenses; one or two times you changed the tense from past to present, but it's late, so I'll show you the mistakes later...gosh, I'm tired. I know this is a rubbish review... Okay, moving on.
Hm, that's interesting...a 5'10 guys beating up a 6'2 guy? I'm guessing that Vince would have to have a lot more muscle on him than Josh. I like that you're writing from a popular person's point of view, most people wrote about "misunderstood people" or the book girls. Something like that.
Wrapping it up. Good start, it's on my follow list, and update soon :D