for Masks10/1/2012 c1 
1Samsonet
((Sorry for not reviewing! I completely forgot I had entered the contest this month...))
The opening was thought-provoking. I don't particularly think it's true, but from the way the narrator is saying it, the reader can tell that she believes it. It says a lot about the society she lives in, too.
More on the setting. I didn't fully grasp where this is taking place. Is this a Middle-Ages sort of place, or some utopian society, or some third-world country? Any of those could house this lady and execute her the way you described. Though none of them would probably care about any number of murders, unless the victims were nobles or such?
The reflection part was beautifully written. The problem is that there's no action that prompts it. We get the idea that this woman (girl?) has gone through a lot at the hands of men. But we're not told precisely what, beyond the fact that her dad was a jerk and she took advantage of her suitors. Maybe if she was talking to someone, maybe a judge at her sentencing or a visitor in the jail, this would give a better picture of what has gone on, exactly.
The ending was okay. In my opinion, it would have worked better without the last line. Since I know you're quoting that book, it just seems... kind of fake. If I had never heard of Watership down, the end would have been perfect as it is.
Lastly, I just want to comment on the sound of your narrator's voice. As I stated above, the things she says portray precisely the kind of person she is, without having to show it by some action. She could be describing how to bake a cake and one would still be able to hear the hurt in her voice. It's a great story.
1Samsonet((Sorry for not reviewing! I completely forgot I had entered the contest this month...))
The opening was thought-provoking. I don't particularly think it's true, but from the way the narrator is saying it, the reader can tell that she believes it. It says a lot about the society she lives in, too.
More on the setting. I didn't fully grasp where this is taking place. Is this a Middle-Ages sort of place, or some utopian society, or some third-world country? Any of those could house this lady and execute her the way you described. Though none of them would probably care about any number of murders, unless the victims were nobles or such?
The reflection part was beautifully written. The problem is that there's no action that prompts it. We get the idea that this woman (girl?) has gone through a lot at the hands of men. But we're not told precisely what, beyond the fact that her dad was a jerk and she took advantage of her suitors. Maybe if she was talking to someone, maybe a judge at her sentencing or a visitor in the jail, this would give a better picture of what has gone on, exactly.
The ending was okay. In my opinion, it would have worked better without the last line. Since I know you're quoting that book, it just seems... kind of fake. If I had never heard of Watership down, the end would have been perfect as it is.
Lastly, I just want to comment on the sound of your narrator's voice. As I stated above, the things she says portray precisely the kind of person she is, without having to show it by some action. She could be describing how to bake a cake and one would still be able to hear the hurt in her voice. It's a great story.
9/9/2012 c1 this wild abyss
I like the character you've introduced here, because she seems interesting and has a real story to tell. However, the style of this piece is very reflective and contemplative, and I would have liked there to be a present conflict, instead of your main character just reminiscing on the past, as that would have been more engaging for me.
I like the character you've introduced here, because she seems interesting and has a real story to tell. However, the style of this piece is very reflective and contemplative, and I would have liked there to be a present conflict, instead of your main character just reminiscing on the past, as that would have been more engaging for me.
9/9/2012 c1 Anxious Axolotl
Despite this begin such a short piece, you did a wonderful job at showing the progression of the unnamed protagonist from the start of her defiance up to the present. I liked how you backed-up qualities, like when she was naive, by also showing how she acted.
It did feel like there was a very large leap between gaining wisdom and then becoming a mistress, though. I think you could stand to add a little more detail about why she decided to take that path *during* her training, instead of starting as means to commit murder when she was fully trained.
The end was very chilling and overall, I thought this was a wonderfully interesting take on the prompt.
Despite this begin such a short piece, you did a wonderful job at showing the progression of the unnamed protagonist from the start of her defiance up to the present. I liked how you backed-up qualities, like when she was naive, by also showing how she acted.
It did feel like there was a very large leap between gaining wisdom and then becoming a mistress, though. I think you could stand to add a little more detail about why she decided to take that path *during* her training, instead of starting as means to commit murder when she was fully trained.
The end was very chilling and overall, I thought this was a wonderfully interesting take on the prompt.
9/7/2012 c1 9Highway Unicorn
[When men fear Satan and death, when they fear disease and sin, women are the first to be judged.] Oh my god, this is sooooo true! I like how you pretty much opened with it because it basically sums up the whole theme that's going to go down in this piece, and I thought you wrote it out nicely.
Hmm, there is one part that i'm not so sure about. It's when you wrote she started becoming the mistresses of all these men, yet at the beginning she said she wouldn't allow any man to basically be dominant over her...sooooooooooooooo yeah.
Anyways, overall, I DID like this, it was creative and a nice little read. :D
9Highway Unicorn[When men fear Satan and death, when they fear disease and sin, women are the first to be judged.] Oh my god, this is sooooo true! I like how you pretty much opened with it because it basically sums up the whole theme that's going to go down in this piece, and I thought you wrote it out nicely.
Hmm, there is one part that i'm not so sure about. It's when you wrote she started becoming the mistresses of all these men, yet at the beginning she said she wouldn't allow any man to basically be dominant over her...sooooooooooooooo yeah.
Anyways, overall, I DID like this, it was creative and a nice little read. :D
9/6/2012 c1 19Anihyr Moonstar
I love the way this ties into "Prince with a Thousand Enemies". By setting a single woman off against all men, you make her at once a force to be reckoned with, but also a time bomb, simply waiting for her seconds to run out when she runs out of options.
The gradual progression, too, is nice. Despite it not being a long piece, it still manages to build up and shift nicely in tone as it goes along. First the naïve, angry girl, then a more dangerous, flirtatious woman using her guile to get what she wants, and finally a more wizened woman - very deadly, but also sowing the seeds to her own downfall.
Interesting and enjoyable. :)
- Moonstar
19Anihyr MoonstarI love the way this ties into "Prince with a Thousand Enemies". By setting a single woman off against all men, you make her at once a force to be reckoned with, but also a time bomb, simply waiting for her seconds to run out when she runs out of options.
The gradual progression, too, is nice. Despite it not being a long piece, it still manages to build up and shift nicely in tone as it goes along. First the naïve, angry girl, then a more dangerous, flirtatious woman using her guile to get what she wants, and finally a more wizened woman - very deadly, but also sowing the seeds to her own downfall.
Interesting and enjoyable. :)
- Moonstar
9/5/2012 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
I really like the themes that you present here. The eternal chant of female equality is always a strong, and satisfying subject. And I liked how you were not ranting or overtly philosophical, you just expressed the truths of this woman’s life and it worked really well within the confines of the piece.
The only thing I can really critique at this point is the length. As a reader I wanted to see more to this woman’s story, and I feel that what you’ve present us with here is just the skeletal frame of her life. I think you easily could have added more detail – example: Why did her father beat her mother, or Why did she turn to prostitution. Little things like that will enrich your writing and make it keep it multilayered and fascinating. Keep up the good work.
Much love,
Juliet.
1k+Faithless JulietI really like the themes that you present here. The eternal chant of female equality is always a strong, and satisfying subject. And I liked how you were not ranting or overtly philosophical, you just expressed the truths of this woman’s life and it worked really well within the confines of the piece.
The only thing I can really critique at this point is the length. As a reader I wanted to see more to this woman’s story, and I feel that what you’ve present us with here is just the skeletal frame of her life. I think you easily could have added more detail – example: Why did her father beat her mother, or Why did she turn to prostitution. Little things like that will enrich your writing and make it keep it multilayered and fascinating. Keep up the good work.
Much love,
Juliet.