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for The princess or the dragon

1/15/2013 c1 18Kyrie Falkson
I would have margaret finding out some how and then make Margraet jealious, and when a princess wants something, she'll try everything in her power to get it. Something they get away with by being spoiled I guess.
9/25/2012 c1 82Solemn Coyote
It's only fair to try and return the review, so here goes. Individual thoughts are bulleted for convenience.

1) "So he went to his father, king Otto, to discuss the matter over." you can cut 'over'. It should probably be 'talk the matter over' or 'discuss the matter.' What you have is a collision of both.

2) Good genre-awareness. Your characters recognize the tropes of fairytales and actually think about them, rather than blindly following them, which is nice.

3) "and so, in quite a short while, it was done," capital letter on the 'and', period after 'done.'

4) "Oliver mounted his faithful white charger snow-bloom" 'snow-bloom' is a name, so it gets capital letters, too.

5) "very friendly Looking female dragon." unnecessary capital letter on 'Looking'

6) "taken aback, prince oliver walked in, dazed." capital letter missing on 'oliver'

7) "that did it for the prince." capital letter on 'that'

8) "he left on snow-bloom." another proper noun

9) ""prince Oliver!" king Otto shouted" capital on 'prince'

10) "king Otto has forbidden me to enter his palace ever again until I have either a dragons head or a princess." 'dragons' should be 'dragon's'. Possessives are a pain, but here's the quick rule: if it's plural but doesn't possess anything, no apostrophe. If it's a single thing that possesses something, apostrophe before the S. If it's a lot of things that own something, then the apostrophe goes after the S.

For it's/its, the rules are a little different. "It's" is a contraction of "it is", and is not possessive. "Its" is possessive, for no real reason at all. Thanks, English language!

11) "Why slay me when you would also bring Sorrow to your love" no capital for "Sorrow"

12) "oh, please don't take me away from lily" capitalize 'lilly'

13) "prince Oliver and lily had fallen for each other within a week" again

14) "unaware that prince Oliver and lily had fallen for each other!" and again

15) So, I like the scenario, and I think you can get some good drama out of it. You have a love triangle, you have a prince at odds with his parents, that same prince is a hella sketchy prince who authorized a kidnapping by what he thought to be a terrifying beast because he was bored, you have a friendship between a human and a non-human, you have a romance between a human and a non-human, there's about a million directions you can go with this. The only problem here is that you taper off at the end, and it feels like that's because you got kind of bored with writing and wanted the story to have a definite end, whereas IT wanted to turn into a full-length epic. My suggestion would be to try and map out a quick plot arc for where you could have this story go, and then write that out. Maybe the princess and the dragon realize that they deserve better than the prince and take off. Maybe a rival prince (or rival dragon) shows up, further complicating the triangle. Maybe the kingdom goes to war, or Otto decides to exterminate all dragons in an attempt to get his son's honor back. Maybe Oliver was actually adopted, and is partially dragon-blooded. Pick anything that suits your fancy, and then expand the story to match. You've probably got another couple chapters to go here before this one is complete, and I suspect it'll be a lot more satisfying once it's finished in a way that resolves the plot.


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