for I don't break the rules8/6/2015 c1 CasualProcrastinator
What a great beginning. You've told us so much about your world already without giving it all away! I'll be reading more, for sure.
What a great beginning. You've told us so much about your world already without giving it all away! I'll be reading more, for sure.
8/5/2015 c1 
10BeeSkeez
What a great start to a story. I find so often in stories about magic that it's included awkwardly, particularly if it's from the POV of the person using it, but the way you incorporated that time freeze at the beginning there, and revealed a little information bit by bit until the end where we learn that Brook is a bender, it was so flawless.
Obviously, given that it's only the first chapter, I don't have a great feel on any of the characters yet, but I really like what I've seen. The boys seem quite mysterious, and I like the juxtaposition of a very innocent, pure child, with someone who seems stronger, darker and a bit more matter of fact. It always nice, as a reader to have such different personalities (even if that's only because it makes them easier to keep track of)
You create the most incredible settings too. In Under a Blue-Grey Sky, you did the same thing, where you make these worlds which seem so realistic, and you don't give all the information on it, but they just seem to make sense. It's a real talent and one which a lot of people don't have, so well done.
The relationships between the characters are also interesting. I'm really interested to see what happens between Brook and these travelers - if more of a relationship develops and if so, what direction it goes in. I also want to see more on the relationship between the boys. But actually, most interestingly, it was cool to learn about the relationship between the guards and the civilians - it gives you a great sense of what the political situation is in the setting you're working with.
10BeeSkeezWhat a great start to a story. I find so often in stories about magic that it's included awkwardly, particularly if it's from the POV of the person using it, but the way you incorporated that time freeze at the beginning there, and revealed a little information bit by bit until the end where we learn that Brook is a bender, it was so flawless.
Obviously, given that it's only the first chapter, I don't have a great feel on any of the characters yet, but I really like what I've seen. The boys seem quite mysterious, and I like the juxtaposition of a very innocent, pure child, with someone who seems stronger, darker and a bit more matter of fact. It always nice, as a reader to have such different personalities (even if that's only because it makes them easier to keep track of)
You create the most incredible settings too. In Under a Blue-Grey Sky, you did the same thing, where you make these worlds which seem so realistic, and you don't give all the information on it, but they just seem to make sense. It's a real talent and one which a lot of people don't have, so well done.
The relationships between the characters are also interesting. I'm really interested to see what happens between Brook and these travelers - if more of a relationship develops and if so, what direction it goes in. I also want to see more on the relationship between the boys. But actually, most interestingly, it was cool to learn about the relationship between the guards and the civilians - it gives you a great sense of what the political situation is in the setting you're working with.
3/26/2015 c3 5WaterBudget
Myka is such a jerk here. (Though I still laughed when he tested if Brook's arm was really broken). I can understand being cautious, but Brook hasn't done anything aggressive towards them. He's a bit passive for a protagonist actually, but this is the beginning of the story, so it's fine.
Nice job with the different language; it's not alienating and unpronounceable. Whenever I make up languages, it's...unfortunate. But love...what did he say about love that would make Eryk cry? Great (but cruel) hook into the next chapter.
Now I'm off to take a peek at the other version of this!
5WaterBudgetMyka is such a jerk here. (Though I still laughed when he tested if Brook's arm was really broken). I can understand being cautious, but Brook hasn't done anything aggressive towards them. He's a bit passive for a protagonist actually, but this is the beginning of the story, so it's fine.
Nice job with the different language; it's not alienating and unpronounceable. Whenever I make up languages, it's...unfortunate. But love...what did he say about love that would make Eryk cry? Great (but cruel) hook into the next chapter.
Now I'm off to take a peek at the other version of this!
3/26/2015 c2 WaterBudget
Brook lost some cool points for falling into a trap. He got those points back flinging wolves away like that though. It seems like you're using Brook as the eyes to show us Myka and Eryk's relationship so far. And if Myka allows him to tag along, for the rest of the story perhaps. Still, first person can be limiting, which is probably why you re-wrote this in third person POV.
Eryk and Myka are so lovey-dovey that it's cute but also borderline mawkish. For some, it might be harder to get into the romance because they know little about these two yet, but I don't have that issue since All the Wrong Reasons filled me in on their history. For romance, I like to see two people (or three or four) struggle to define their relationship (i.e. fall in love), but it may also be interesting to see an already-together couple face obstacles together.
And...FREYL? Freyl is in this one too? I am oddly excited. You've got me curious about what the relationships between these three are now, mostly because Myka promised Freyl to protect Eryk. Plus, Myka (reluctantly) agreed that Freyl is important to him too. So I hope to meet the Freyl of this story eventually.
Brook lost some cool points for falling into a trap. He got those points back flinging wolves away like that though. It seems like you're using Brook as the eyes to show us Myka and Eryk's relationship so far. And if Myka allows him to tag along, for the rest of the story perhaps. Still, first person can be limiting, which is probably why you re-wrote this in third person POV.
Eryk and Myka are so lovey-dovey that it's cute but also borderline mawkish. For some, it might be harder to get into the romance because they know little about these two yet, but I don't have that issue since All the Wrong Reasons filled me in on their history. For romance, I like to see two people (or three or four) struggle to define their relationship (i.e. fall in love), but it may also be interesting to see an already-together couple face obstacles together.
And...FREYL? Freyl is in this one too? I am oddly excited. You've got me curious about what the relationships between these three are now, mostly because Myka promised Freyl to protect Eryk. Plus, Myka (reluctantly) agreed that Freyl is important to him too. So I hope to meet the Freyl of this story eventually.
3/26/2015 c1 WaterBudget
Hmm, who could those two people that Brook saved be? :P
I have to say it's such a starkly different and yet similar intro to Myka and Eryk. But since this is AU, I don't know if they've retained the same personalities that they had in All the Wrong Reasons. Certainly, Myka seems a bit stronger in this one and less of a cute, quiet healer-type. And Eryk is more...fabulous and less hyper, I guess? (That hair flip, lol) Either way, they're still attached at the hip, so that even Brook noticed.
As for Brook, he seems like a cool guy. Observant, totally messed with those guards with his Bender powers, and chill in the face of Myka's challenge. Yep, I am definitely enjoying his POV, and the narration in this chapter is top-notch.
Hmm, who could those two people that Brook saved be? :P
I have to say it's such a starkly different and yet similar intro to Myka and Eryk. But since this is AU, I don't know if they've retained the same personalities that they had in All the Wrong Reasons. Certainly, Myka seems a bit stronger in this one and less of a cute, quiet healer-type. And Eryk is more...fabulous and less hyper, I guess? (That hair flip, lol) Either way, they're still attached at the hip, so that even Brook noticed.
As for Brook, he seems like a cool guy. Observant, totally messed with those guards with his Bender powers, and chill in the face of Myka's challenge. Yep, I am definitely enjoying his POV, and the narration in this chapter is top-notch.
9/13/2014 c1 90Timbo Slice
Although not much really happened in this chapter it's always nice to see a "slash" story with an original and thought out setting rather than the typical teen angst drama that seems to saturate that genre. This actually reminded me of Song of Ice and Fire as it being a quasi medieval setting with strong non stereo typical characters like The Knight of Flowers and all.
I also liked your vivid and unique descriptions in identifying the characters like how you mentioned the youths voice not being corrupted by smoke and cursing, that was a clever little way of describing him and your prose really comes across as an old world, fantasy setting sort of deal.
90Timbo SliceAlthough not much really happened in this chapter it's always nice to see a "slash" story with an original and thought out setting rather than the typical teen angst drama that seems to saturate that genre. This actually reminded me of Song of Ice and Fire as it being a quasi medieval setting with strong non stereo typical characters like The Knight of Flowers and all.
I also liked your vivid and unique descriptions in identifying the characters like how you mentioned the youths voice not being corrupted by smoke and cursing, that was a clever little way of describing him and your prose really comes across as an old world, fantasy setting sort of deal.
7/24/2014 c2 Hedonistic Opportunist
You already know that the writing isn't quite as smooth as your recent prose, but we all had to start out somewhere, and I enjoyed the writing in this for its descriptive quality. You write out settings well, because they are visual and actually make us able to picture something. I also think that your fighting scenes are decent: I enjoyed their vividness and how they made me follow the battle quite well, even if it was a short one. I wonder about the italics - stylistic device? A flashback? I kind of liked it; it set up an atmosphere and seemed pretty :3
I smiled at Eryk and Myka - my dear boys. I liked their convo, because you could tell how much they cared about each other 333. I also just liked seeing my two bbs :3
You already know that the writing isn't quite as smooth as your recent prose, but we all had to start out somewhere, and I enjoyed the writing in this for its descriptive quality. You write out settings well, because they are visual and actually make us able to picture something. I also think that your fighting scenes are decent: I enjoyed their vividness and how they made me follow the battle quite well, even if it was a short one. I wonder about the italics - stylistic device? A flashback? I kind of liked it; it set up an atmosphere and seemed pretty :3
I smiled at Eryk and Myka - my dear boys. I liked their convo, because you could tell how much they cared about each other 333. I also just liked seeing my two bbs :3
7/24/2014 c1 Hedonistic Opportunist
You have a knack for playing when I'm distracted or tired XD (my last review was crap, would you be fine with me re-reviewing it anon? :3). Anyhow, to be honest, I've been on this one for a while: it seems like an interesting story with a good plotline, but I'm really distracted and can't give you a really good review. But some thoughts :D:
*I like the descriptive passages. There are a few instances where I thought the wording was nifty, and where you gave me a clear image that made me go 'yep, things are like this' or 'this sounds believable'. In this chapter, especially, I feel that your descriptions of the setting are quite solid and strong. I also like your character descriptions because they're non-generic, though I'm not usually a fan of that kind of thing (because it tends to be all very generic and boring).
*I think your third person prose is quite solid too; I like that it's simple and engaging, and very readable without losing its clever wording or very careful choice of verbs. I like that your actions scenes are visual, giving us a good idea of what's happening.
You have a knack for playing when I'm distracted or tired XD (my last review was crap, would you be fine with me re-reviewing it anon? :3). Anyhow, to be honest, I've been on this one for a while: it seems like an interesting story with a good plotline, but I'm really distracted and can't give you a really good review. But some thoughts :D:
*I like the descriptive passages. There are a few instances where I thought the wording was nifty, and where you gave me a clear image that made me go 'yep, things are like this' or 'this sounds believable'. In this chapter, especially, I feel that your descriptions of the setting are quite solid and strong. I also like your character descriptions because they're non-generic, though I'm not usually a fan of that kind of thing (because it tends to be all very generic and boring).
*I think your third person prose is quite solid too; I like that it's simple and engaging, and very readable without losing its clever wording or very careful choice of verbs. I like that your actions scenes are visual, giving us a good idea of what's happening.
7/24/2014 c1 deadaccount2019
I thought the writing (or rather the time stop and fleeing) could use a little sprucing up. It didn't feel nearly as exciting as some the actiony scenes in your other works, mainly because it was presented in a more telling manner. Some more detail in the setting would also help it feel more immersive.
Loads of questions right off the bat, all of which left me wanting more. Firstly, what are Benders? Quite powerful, gathered from Brooks demonstration this chapter, but is it limited to intangible concepts like time, or can it take physical forms like the elements? This is definitely a case where revealing key info works great because you've given the reader enough of a taste to keep them going. And what is the deal with this city? As much as I want to know about Brook, I'm even more anxious to explore this world where dark hair and eyes (the norm of our world) are stigmatized.
I thought the writing (or rather the time stop and fleeing) could use a little sprucing up. It didn't feel nearly as exciting as some the actiony scenes in your other works, mainly because it was presented in a more telling manner. Some more detail in the setting would also help it feel more immersive.
Loads of questions right off the bat, all of which left me wanting more. Firstly, what are Benders? Quite powerful, gathered from Brooks demonstration this chapter, but is it limited to intangible concepts like time, or can it take physical forms like the elements? This is definitely a case where revealing key info works great because you've given the reader enough of a taste to keep them going. And what is the deal with this city? As much as I want to know about Brook, I'm even more anxious to explore this world where dark hair and eyes (the norm of our world) are stigmatized.
4/18/2014 c1 4Saffron123
I liked this. The writing style and voice are very clear, but I was confused in the action. Without names, I got confused who was who. I kept having to go back and figure out who was doing what.
I feel like it'd work better if the flow of action was clearer.
However, it has a very nice writing voice. This gets my attention well and I'm curious what a Bender is and where this is going. I'm interested in who exactly the main character is and why he was able to stop time. It introduces a lot of questions.
I wonder how things will unfold.
4Saffron123I liked this. The writing style and voice are very clear, but I was confused in the action. Without names, I got confused who was who. I kept having to go back and figure out who was doing what.
I feel like it'd work better if the flow of action was clearer.
However, it has a very nice writing voice. This gets my attention well and I'm curious what a Bender is and where this is going. I'm interested in who exactly the main character is and why he was able to stop time. It introduces a lot of questions.
I wonder how things will unfold.
10/30/2012 c20 2Redz
I really liked this :) Short and sweet. Hope you write something as awesome as this soon.
2RedzI really liked this :) Short and sweet. Hope you write something as awesome as this soon.
10/16/2012 c12 Redz
Whoa. I didn't see this one coming. When I read it my mouth was hanging open like a fish.
Whoa. I didn't see this one coming. When I read it my mouth was hanging open like a fish.
10/6/2012 c9 13alltheeagles
Thanks for sharing your views! I'm thrilled to death that the story is getting a reaction. Generally, I like plots that don't go in a straight direction, or go where they might be expected to go. On the other hand, I'm also against plots that are so convoluted that you need a GPS to navigate your way around the story. Here's a heads-up: this one has a few twists and turns left to go.
13alltheeaglesThanks for sharing your views! I'm thrilled to death that the story is getting a reaction. Generally, I like plots that don't go in a straight direction, or go where they might be expected to go. On the other hand, I'm also against plots that are so convoluted that you need a GPS to navigate your way around the story. Here's a heads-up: this one has a few twists and turns left to go.