for Only the Best3/13/2013 c1 
44professional griefer
First off, this line bugged me a little: [Ashley pulled out her provided newest miPhone, which is much better than the iPhone. They created it due to futuristic plans of the iPhone.] It seemed completely irrelevant-I understand you wanted to explain it, but it disrupted the flow of the story-I would either just call it an iPhone, or just say miPhone and not explain. (I do things like that all the time and no one ever calls me out on it, lol).
One more criticism, then I'll move on to what I liked. You weren't infodumping all that much in the text, but you were doing it in the dialogue. Notably when Ashley was talking about what she was being trained in. I didn't like when you said Adam had a crush on Ashley, either-I feel like you'd already made that apparent and saying it in the narrative seemed like you were shoving it in our faces.
The idea seemed a bit cliche, but I feel like you managed to do a good job with it-you weren't being over the top with the whole 'oh they're secret agents and they're so good at it' thing. And the dialogue was pretty natural, for the first part.
The first and second parts seem a tad disjointed, but that's alright-it worked. This is one of your better stories. I'd love if you could continue:)
44professional grieferFirst off, this line bugged me a little: [Ashley pulled out her provided newest miPhone, which is much better than the iPhone. They created it due to futuristic plans of the iPhone.] It seemed completely irrelevant-I understand you wanted to explain it, but it disrupted the flow of the story-I would either just call it an iPhone, or just say miPhone and not explain. (I do things like that all the time and no one ever calls me out on it, lol).
One more criticism, then I'll move on to what I liked. You weren't infodumping all that much in the text, but you were doing it in the dialogue. Notably when Ashley was talking about what she was being trained in. I didn't like when you said Adam had a crush on Ashley, either-I feel like you'd already made that apparent and saying it in the narrative seemed like you were shoving it in our faces.
The idea seemed a bit cliche, but I feel like you managed to do a good job with it-you weren't being over the top with the whole 'oh they're secret agents and they're so good at it' thing. And the dialogue was pretty natural, for the first part.
The first and second parts seem a tad disjointed, but that's alright-it worked. This is one of your better stories. I'd love if you could continue:)
10/5/2012 c1 6BenSparrow
I like the premise of this: The guy distracted in the middle of a mission by his love for the gal. It's good.
But some thoughts on things you could consider. From the first three lines I get the impression that Adam and Ashley don't know each other. I imagine that the guy is meeting this girl on a deserted street at night and is assaulting her. Then I go on to find that they know each other... And not only that they know each other but are good friends and he has a crush on her. Makes it rather confusing. The line"... believing for a moment that this girl could not do anything to him," makes it especially confusing because calling her "this girl" implies he doesn't know her personally.
Something you could also think about is adding more detail. To the surround, the temperature, the smell, and describing Adam's thoughts and what he's thinking about Ashley. Maybe that's not your style, but description is usually very important in short stories because you don't have a whole book to show something; instead just a few pages.
I would say that you should call this a draft and fix it up a bit and then just edit this post. :) Keep it up!
6BenSparrowI like the premise of this: The guy distracted in the middle of a mission by his love for the gal. It's good.
But some thoughts on things you could consider. From the first three lines I get the impression that Adam and Ashley don't know each other. I imagine that the guy is meeting this girl on a deserted street at night and is assaulting her. Then I go on to find that they know each other... And not only that they know each other but are good friends and he has a crush on her. Makes it rather confusing. The line"... believing for a moment that this girl could not do anything to him," makes it especially confusing because calling her "this girl" implies he doesn't know her personally.
Something you could also think about is adding more detail. To the surround, the temperature, the smell, and describing Adam's thoughts and what he's thinking about Ashley. Maybe that's not your style, but description is usually very important in short stories because you don't have a whole book to show something; instead just a few pages.
I would say that you should call this a draft and fix it up a bit and then just edit this post. :) Keep it up!
10/5/2012 c1 1Jinspire
Cool story bro.
Lol, jk, I'm not gonna troll here. XD I like it and all, but you could of, you know, waited a bit before the whole confession scene. You could of dragged it out onto chapter two and all... Seemed kind of rushed. Also, it would've gave us more reasons to "stay tuned".
I also didn't see much of an explanation for what actually happened to Ashley, all we get are hints and pieces of it, and that doesn't help us much. Plus, the way you described her (for example, "her figure made any guy drool with pleasure") makes her come off as this oh so perfect character (also known as the "Mary Sue"), which are very annoying. I hope won't make such a thing... right? ;w;
Detail is great, and I love the amount of writing in this chapter! I always love stories with long chapters...
Anywho, it's fine, you might wanna heed my warning on the "Mary Sue" part. Don't take this the wrong way. This is meant to be CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, not a FLAME. See ya around!
(P.S. I'm confused on why teenagers would be running around on missions and stuff, but hey, that's not my call. XP)
1JinspireCool story bro.
Lol, jk, I'm not gonna troll here. XD I like it and all, but you could of, you know, waited a bit before the whole confession scene. You could of dragged it out onto chapter two and all... Seemed kind of rushed. Also, it would've gave us more reasons to "stay tuned".
I also didn't see much of an explanation for what actually happened to Ashley, all we get are hints and pieces of it, and that doesn't help us much. Plus, the way you described her (for example, "her figure made any guy drool with pleasure") makes her come off as this oh so perfect character (also known as the "Mary Sue"), which are very annoying. I hope won't make such a thing... right? ;w;
Detail is great, and I love the amount of writing in this chapter! I always love stories with long chapters...
Anywho, it's fine, you might wanna heed my warning on the "Mary Sue" part. Don't take this the wrong way. This is meant to be CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, not a FLAME. See ya around!
(P.S. I'm confused on why teenagers would be running around on missions and stuff, but hey, that's not my call. XP)