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12/26/2012 c1 4sanguine eyes
Impressive :3 Congratulations on winning!
10/28/2012 c1 4Rogue Energizer Bunny

I always leave this until the last minute.

[Opening]: I think the first line is effective. It cuts right to the conflict, which is nice. It's not the most flashy thing ever, but this is a pretty subdued and not-melodramatic story, so it fits.

[Scene]: The first scene seems a bit out of place. Like, it could be an extension of the second one, but it isn't. I don't really think it adds much to the story as it is - it could almost be cut, and it wouldn't make a difference.

[Characters]: I love the father's character. He seems very harsh, and brittle. It's hard to pull off father-figures when they start throwing things and acting explosive, because people will expect abuse or something corny like that. Here, I feel like it's a real part of his character. I don't feel the mother as strongly. She doesn't seem completely unique - she's a mother, and she acts like the generalized idea of a mother.

[Writing]: The description is beautiful. It's nothing really fancy, but I think it adds a lot to the story in depth and visualization. One problem I have is the voice seems quite feminine. I was convinced that the narrator was a girl from the beginning, and I don't know if that's a real issue or if it's just me misinterpreting it. The pacing felt right, though, and the voice seemed authentic if you put aside any gender issues I had. I really like the way you used the Great Drought, but I would've liked more detail that made it clear it was set in Brazi, because I think that's a really interesting element.

'grats! Well deserved.
10/7/2012 c1 63RedactedNoLongerWriting
Wow, this is a great interpretation of the prompt. I love the narrator's voice. It really felt like he was just floored by this loss but also sort of numb to it. The obsession with his sister and the recurring mentions of water were really effective in drawing me in and setting the tone. The only thing that confused me a little was the last line: the narrator was the one who cried and yet you say 'only a mama knows where to find tears in her body'; he's obviously not a mama so I didn't think that worked as a last line. Otherwise, though, this is a well-written story and very powerful take on the prompt. Good luck in the WCC!

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