for Contract10/30/2012 c1 
4Rockstar author
I definately enjoyed your story. I found it interesting that poeple have a specific djinn and negotiate parts of their soul in exchange for knowlage and writing style was good and you did a good job at putting the action and the negotiation together. I would also appreciate it if you would take a look at my stories.
4Rockstar authorI definately enjoyed your story. I found it interesting that poeple have a specific djinn and negotiate parts of their soul in exchange for knowlage and writing style was good and you did a good job at putting the action and the negotiation together. I would also appreciate it if you would take a look at my stories.
10/16/2012 c1 Jax
Some small corrections:
You've accidentally included the speech tags in italics:
1) "100 Soul Coins,"Minerva countered.
2) Solomon paused for a few moments. Finally, he snapped, "You are in imminent danger, my girl. Any fee lower than 300 is unacceptable! Why, that is merely ten percent of your maximum limit!"
And good ending line :3
Some small corrections:
You've accidentally included the speech tags in italics:
1) "100 Soul Coins,"Minerva countered.
2) Solomon paused for a few moments. Finally, he snapped, "You are in imminent danger, my girl. Any fee lower than 300 is unacceptable! Why, that is merely ten percent of your maximum limit!"
And good ending line :3
10/15/2012 c1 29YasuRan
I think you have an unique concept to work with. This is the first story I've come across on FP that revolves around the power of djinns and it's good to see that you've already established their usage in violent situations. Solomon as a character comes off as a witty, crafty example of his kind. I liked his banter with Minerva throughout the battle; it seemed to say a lot about their working relationship, though I also think Minerva was overshadowed by Solomon's stronger, more well-defined character. I hope to see more of her development in later chapters.
One critique I have is of the dialogue during the battle: while it was interesting and allowed us a glimpse into the world the characters live in, it seemed rather convoluted for the situation, given that Minerva's life is at risk. Shorter, snappier comments would appear more fitting, yet still allow Minerva and Solomon's dynamic to shine through.
29YasuRanI think you have an unique concept to work with. This is the first story I've come across on FP that revolves around the power of djinns and it's good to see that you've already established their usage in violent situations. Solomon as a character comes off as a witty, crafty example of his kind. I liked his banter with Minerva throughout the battle; it seemed to say a lot about their working relationship, though I also think Minerva was overshadowed by Solomon's stronger, more well-defined character. I hope to see more of her development in later chapters.
One critique I have is of the dialogue during the battle: while it was interesting and allowed us a glimpse into the world the characters live in, it seemed rather convoluted for the situation, given that Minerva's life is at risk. Shorter, snappier comments would appear more fitting, yet still allow Minerva and Solomon's dynamic to shine through.
10/8/2012 c1 TinfoilKnight
["Thank you, Solomon. I wish to begin a negotiation immediately," Minerva Vallering communicated.] Not really a fan of "communicated" in the dialogue tag. I can't see why you're using it - is it that they aren't actually *speaking* because djinn's don't use the same form of communication as humans? Even so, I think "communicated" is a bit awkward and jarring - it draws too much attention to itself, and it distracts from the story at hand. I'd prefer "said" even if it doesn't precisely describe the way they're communicating.
I like this chapter because it jumps straight into the action right away. It introduces the relationship
between djinns and humans, and that's exactly what I look for in the first chapter.
Good start! I'll see you around the RG. :)
["Thank you, Solomon. I wish to begin a negotiation immediately," Minerva Vallering communicated.] Not really a fan of "communicated" in the dialogue tag. I can't see why you're using it - is it that they aren't actually *speaking* because djinn's don't use the same form of communication as humans? Even so, I think "communicated" is a bit awkward and jarring - it draws too much attention to itself, and it distracts from the story at hand. I'd prefer "said" even if it doesn't precisely describe the way they're communicating.
I like this chapter because it jumps straight into the action right away. It introduces the relationship
between djinns and humans, and that's exactly what I look for in the first chapter.
Good start! I'll see you around the RG. :)
10/8/2012 c1 43LuckycoolHawk9
I liked how the negotation work out for her and the cliffhanger for an ending...it offered suspense. I disliked how fats th chapter mvoed, it felt rushed and way too fast for my liking.
43LuckycoolHawk9I liked how the negotation work out for her and the cliffhanger for an ending...it offered suspense. I disliked how fats th chapter mvoed, it felt rushed and way too fast for my liking.
10/8/2012 c1 8Jax Creation
I did like the tone that the opening dialogue set for the scene as it immediately drew me in and set the stage. However, I would get rid of the speech tag (Minerva Vallering communicated) as it seems kind of robotic and hollow - in addition to being unnecessary as the first speaker, Solomon, is obviously addressing her anyway. I also found myself getting a little lost in the next section of dialogue - while I could tell that it was important, I was completely at a loss as to what it meant. However, saying this, I will admit that it intrigued me.
Solomon was really interesting. I've always been fascinated with djinn and other supernatural beings, but I absolutely loved the way you've represented him as a whirlwind of pages. It's a truly novel idea! The way he bargains gives off the feeling that he is Minerva's ally - but at the same, he is not.
Dialogue for the most part is pretty good. Minerva's speech patterns are a little stiff though. It would also be nice if there was a way to differentiate between speech and the mental communication between Minerva and Solomon. (Use italics, perhaps?) It's also a little weird how she stops what she's doing when she's talking to Solomon.
I would have liked to see a little more description to build the world a little more. It seems like a typical fantasy setting; assassins, magic, and nobles - three things I love seeing in a story. But, I think you could have elaborated a little more. I was a bit confused about the setting and situation Minerva was in. From the business-like tone at the very beginning I was not expecting her to be a fighter XD
All in all, I thought it was really interesting. I'm very intrigued by the premise. Contracts with spirits are never good things, so it'll be interesting to see how the bargains affect Minerva.
Good work :3
(I apologise if I come off as overly-critical.)
8Jax CreationI did like the tone that the opening dialogue set for the scene as it immediately drew me in and set the stage. However, I would get rid of the speech tag (Minerva Vallering communicated) as it seems kind of robotic and hollow - in addition to being unnecessary as the first speaker, Solomon, is obviously addressing her anyway. I also found myself getting a little lost in the next section of dialogue - while I could tell that it was important, I was completely at a loss as to what it meant. However, saying this, I will admit that it intrigued me.
Solomon was really interesting. I've always been fascinated with djinn and other supernatural beings, but I absolutely loved the way you've represented him as a whirlwind of pages. It's a truly novel idea! The way he bargains gives off the feeling that he is Minerva's ally - but at the same, he is not.
Dialogue for the most part is pretty good. Minerva's speech patterns are a little stiff though. It would also be nice if there was a way to differentiate between speech and the mental communication between Minerva and Solomon. (Use italics, perhaps?) It's also a little weird how she stops what she's doing when she's talking to Solomon.
I would have liked to see a little more description to build the world a little more. It seems like a typical fantasy setting; assassins, magic, and nobles - three things I love seeing in a story. But, I think you could have elaborated a little more. I was a bit confused about the setting and situation Minerva was in. From the business-like tone at the very beginning I was not expecting her to be a fighter XD
All in all, I thought it was really interesting. I'm very intrigued by the premise. Contracts with spirits are never good things, so it'll be interesting to see how the bargains affect Minerva.
Good work :3
(I apologise if I come off as overly-critical.)
10/7/2012 c1 19Anihyr Moonstar
I like the opening dialogue. It instantly sets a strict, business-like tone for the relationship between these two characters, and makes me very curious about how exactly they conduct their 'business', what all it entails, and other such details. Great hook, that is.
After the first swirling paper scene (immediately following the opening dialogue) I got a *little* lost among their negotiations and what they might mean, but I suspect I'll fall into the rhythm of it as the story goes along.
I like that you seem to have such a strong set-up/system for their interactions and how the magic works and/or power is exchanged hands and deals are agreed upon. Often such things can be loose or hodge-podge in fantasy, but you make it sound crisp, original, and fairly clear-cut.
I think it might be good for clarity if you distinguished between spoken dialogue and "mental link"/psychic/thought dialogue by putting the latter in single quotes and italicising it (or simply italisizing it without quotes at all). The dialogue quotes make me picture them saying these things aloud, and it gets a little confusing when I'm also picturing all these people around.
All in all, a very engaging and fun-to-read first chapter. I'm a little off-pace with what all's going on. (Why are these people after her? What's she really getting at? Etc.) So it feels a bit like I've been thrown in the deep end, plot wise, but on a sliding scale I prefer to be thrown quickly into the action more than I like being gradually introduced to the story at a bone-numbingly slow pace. So. Nice job. :)
- Moonstar
19Anihyr MoonstarI like the opening dialogue. It instantly sets a strict, business-like tone for the relationship between these two characters, and makes me very curious about how exactly they conduct their 'business', what all it entails, and other such details. Great hook, that is.
After the first swirling paper scene (immediately following the opening dialogue) I got a *little* lost among their negotiations and what they might mean, but I suspect I'll fall into the rhythm of it as the story goes along.
I like that you seem to have such a strong set-up/system for their interactions and how the magic works and/or power is exchanged hands and deals are agreed upon. Often such things can be loose or hodge-podge in fantasy, but you make it sound crisp, original, and fairly clear-cut.
I think it might be good for clarity if you distinguished between spoken dialogue and "mental link"/psychic/thought dialogue by putting the latter in single quotes and italicising it (or simply italisizing it without quotes at all). The dialogue quotes make me picture them saying these things aloud, and it gets a little confusing when I'm also picturing all these people around.
All in all, a very engaging and fun-to-read first chapter. I'm a little off-pace with what all's going on. (Why are these people after her? What's she really getting at? Etc.) So it feels a bit like I've been thrown in the deep end, plot wise, but on a sliding scale I prefer to be thrown quickly into the action more than I like being gradually introduced to the story at a bone-numbingly slow pace. So. Nice job. :)
- Moonstar