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for Off The Wall

1/23/2014 c20 20Ventracere
Mentalist! What a great show :) That note aside...
While I realize that this piece of work is a collection of "one-shots" or muses if you will, I think there are little stylistic things that you can do to smooth out this particular chapter.
When it comes to quotes, put them in a separate paragraphs, even if they seem to connect like where you have "... she said as I thought 'Blah, blah, blah...'" - The thoughts should be a stand alone, so it serves to break the two dialogues apart.
Where you are trying to convey emotion and excitement or sudden actions, while it is okay to use exclamation points, it feels a little forced.
"... it turns out they're heading towards a cemetary!" (cemetary should be spelled cemetery) is somewhere I suggest maybe exchanging the ! for the good old.. This piece comes off more as a comedic tone, and I think a little bit of sarcasm could help this portion a little.

These are more or less personal preferences, so take them as you will. Definitely an interesting read though. I like your writing style and the way it seems to poke fun at the context and environment you've begun to let us have a glimpse of.
Write on!
1/1/2014 c22 6Ed Harley
I really didn't expect Karl Malone to hit anything without John Stockton's assistance.
6/12/2013 c21 Ed Harley
One bottle each or all together? Do they furnish paper cups?
1/23/2013 c14 Ed Harley
He probably cheated his way into heaven; strutting around in tight shorts showing off his trophies.
1/18/2013 c13 Ed Harley
Sometimes I get so mad at football players that I could just go kill all their imaginary girlfriends!
1/15/2013 c11 Ed Harley
It almost feels like there's a moral to this story. Don't be a jerk or you'll get punched in the face and left alone with a guy with a disturbing chicken fetish...
1/15/2013 c10 Ed Harley
Glad I can't smell this scene. Still, I've had worse rooms.
11/21/2012 c6 Ed Harley
This went from confusing to hilarious! If aids had personality you nailed it. Hmm… now I picture HIV with nipple rings and leather pants!
11/15/2012 c5 Ed Harley
The protesters should consider selling some ads on their sign$. ‘God hates Fags- Step into a Slim Jim!’
11/15/2012 c4 Ed Harley
This is the best election coverage I’ve seen. Excellent ideas, I’ve got some of my own. For instance why not convert public bathroom stalls into voting booths? That way, the voter could feel like they’re accomplishing something.
10/22/2012 c3 Ed Harley
Hmm... maybe it was that magic johnson that got him in trouble. Not as magic as he thought it was!
10/17/2012 c2 Ed Harley
I gotta get this game. Maybe do a review for ‘MLB Post Game Interview 2013… Unlocks uncensored crybaby mode!
10/17/2012 c1 Ed Harley
I guess if the people moving in are already brain damaged (umpires?) then the lead paint wouldn’t hurt.

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