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8/25/2013 c6 7Vladvonbounce
I really enjoyed all the action, drama and excitement in this chapter. At some points I got a little lost as to what was going on and why but it wasn't too bad. Like I didn't quite get why a hellgate with a stack of goblins and then later on centaurs and some weird guy just appeared out of nowhere? I also really liked the developing relationship between Piper and Raith. Very sweet. Most of the grammar stuff all looked good!

"Tony hollered as a rummbly in the floor made me think twice about Raith's words and my breakfast in my tummbly."
-rumble and tummy.

"His eyes were fixed on the cloaked man and determined to stand by what he had said. Nothing waivered"- wavered
8/14/2013 c5 Vladvonbounce
Another exciting chapter. I liked the way you looked through Makin's different memories and also revealed a bit more about the exorcists. Poor guy at the end though. Great finishing line too.

"fustercluck"? Is this a real word?

"with long blonde curled, layered, and teased hair, especially around her face, that created a volume that must have been popular then" - the words especially and volume stand out as a bit weird to me in this sentence although I don't know much about hair.

"That's the problem with mindwalking, nothing makes logical sense. Everything's topsy turvy; you can be running through a field one minute and end up in the bottom of a lake the next because you took a left at the junkyard rather than going down the rabbit hole to human resources."- awesome description!
""You sure it's okay that we use it to stir paint?" "-very funny.

"Spend a hundred years studying and fighting under a Reaper, protecting the mortal world from whatever man-eating magical alligator in the sewer and the Conclave backs off from you."- "Spend a hundred years studying and fighting under a Reaper, protecting the mortal world from whatever man-eating magical alligator lurks in the sewers and then the Conclave backs off from you."

""Over your dead body." I snared. "Oh, wait."" Should that be snarled? Also it is a bit odd to snarl when making a joke.

"I was hoping that banishing spell while I was under would get her out of the building"- that the banishing spell I cast...?

"There was a dark pool of red blood around his body, sinking into the sheets, like an aura of death. ... The splatter was covering up half of Markin's terrified face, screaming into the darkness, trying to cover up how hyperextended and painful it looked.
Very nice and graphic description.
8/11/2013 c4 Vladvonbounce
Another cool chapter. The interactions between the different types of supernatural characters is well done. Although I still don't quite understand why Piper hates Raith with so much passionate hatred. I also didn't understand when Tessa started going on about Wednesday but I guess when she looked into raith's mind she saw that he actually likes Piper. As he doesn't seem to be returning the hate towards her. Am not sure how I feel about Chuck. Seems a rather unusual character but may warm up to him. I think you have tried for something quite different which is good.

I felt like they sort of moved from the café to the house to the hospital without breaking from conversation. Maybe some line breaks might help break up the chapter a bit.

"and then use it to hold down an establishment where lots people can be without drawing a lot of attention"
-Should be "lots of people" but also the rest of the sentence needs to be something else depending on what you meant?

"Generally speaking, there are good people, when you strip the layers off and look underneath; even they have an inner sociopath that wants rip your face off hidden somewhere."
perhaps "Generally speaking, even the good people, when you strip the layers off; have an inner sociopath hidden underneath."
Although I think this is a bit of a generalization there are many people who don't have bottled up anger issues.

"Tessa nudged him again as he looked over at her like Riot does as videos of puppies." - at

"You told me to look for what could rip an hole in a healthy adolescent Thai man"- a

"This is usually due to the fact that women were just more open emotionally compatible to handle the idea of all the knowledge of all of creation burning away their brain from another female."
I didn't quite understand this sentence. What exactly do sylphs do?

"because despite what Darwin told you"
I don't think this is really accurate. Darwin didn't mean physically fittest

"Elementals basically burn out the personality of their host but leave their natural responses to stimulus behind, like what they found funny or what could upset them. You could say that there was a spec of the original mind still behind the eyes of each host an elemental burned out." I think you could have explained this above. Either way it is an intriguing and original concept. I wonder about the morality of creatures doing this?

"He looked up at me like one of those puppies in the adoption commercials with the sad music; scared, alone. Frightened. Beaten. Terrified."
They should all be individual sentences I think there.

""I do not know." I think he would say don't . Not using the contraction seems very formal.

"missing stained glass of some religious figure" I am not sure about this. you used and rather than but. however missing means it was unusual. What are you trying to say here?

""Yeah, okay, just force your way in." he doesn't seem very upset?

Nice ending leading on to the next chapter. We might finally get to find out what is going on!
8/2/2013 c2 16RisanF
-Do you know how many things in the universe can inflict nightmares and can leave you a hollowed out corpse eternally screaming into the darkness? If you do, my psychiatrist's cell phone number is 555-2368. She knows her crazy, so call her maybe.-

Ah, the good ol' 555 number, famous for not existing as a real number in any phone book. ;)

I'm wondering if Piper and Tessa are distinct enough from each other. They both have nonchalant, wiseacre speech patterns, and they talk like they've known each other for years (except for the part where Piper points a gun at Tessa). The zippy narrative and word-play works to keep our interest in the story (especially when it livens up expository information about magic and monsters), but it's a bit much when both character are clever in the same way. In contrast, scenes with Tony tend to work smoother, since he acts as a straight-man to all the young-adult banter.

There's some issues with punctuation and capitals in your story, though the formatting on the whole is very good. I do like the insights into the legal system concerning magical creatures.

-RisanF
7/28/2013 c3 7Vladvonbounce
Another cool chapter. Still loving the casual conversation and pop culture references. A lot of your writing makes me laugh. I think your vampires are quite interesting and different without them just not being vampires anymore. Which is pretty hard to do with the number of vampire stories out these days. I think you ended the chapter really well with Piper and Raith meeting up. Nicely dramatic.

The amount of information is still a bit overloading but I think this chapter was a bit better. Although I didn't quite fully understand how the ghouls work. Maybe we will find out more later.

Some of the grammar could do with a bit of work. Although I know from experience writing story is considerably more enjoyable.

"even that draws day a teacher of mine wanted to talk to my parents and walked me home"
This needs to be rewritten a bit.

" I didn't want to, but, one you start a memory, it's really hard to stop thinking about it." Should be once.

"Dad more or less told him to shove off as dragging me into the house" Should be "Dad more or less told him to shove off as he was dragging me into the house"

"But huge iron bowls you boil lizard guts in is heavy." should be are heavy.

Overall it was great read.
7/24/2013 c2 Vladvonbounce
I like your pop culture references. they are always a laugh.
Your descriptions and dialogue are really good, often quite funny to read and easy to picture. The chapter is a little bit long, it's one massive conversation, it would be fine I think in a book but on the screen it starts to drag a bit unfortunately. I like the way you keep introducing new creatures like the Siren, she is pretty cool.

"That would considered be hard work because they'd actually have to do something."
Considered and be are the wrong way around.
7/23/2013 c1 Vladvonbounce
This looks like a pretty cool story. Choosing wizards is an interesting choice and I think you have written them up quite nicely. I like the feel of their magic. It's quite powerful but cut useless by modern technology.

Monsters that kill through nightmares are pretty scary but I felt you could have introduced it a bit better. it was a bit too casual and then as the conversation continued on it got more and more serious.

"I walked lightly over the porch not to make a sound" Should that be 'not making'

"It was just as much wood of the house showing as the light blue paint "
Should that maybe start with 'There'?

"I'm a wizard by trade, a witch if you'd rather identify me by my gender, a sorcerer if you'd rather insult me, a mage if you wanted to be specific, spellcaster for those so incline, and I'm an Exorcist in training"
I really like this. it sets up the sort of magic terminology quickly and simply. Although it should possibly be inclined?

"subtle and quick to anger" Love the LotR reference.

"She picked up a pair of shoes off the ground, and politely pushed past us."
Who is she? Is this a random bypasser? I am pretty sure it's not Piper?

"I liked my wand. It made me feel like a proper wizard when I pointed it at things."
Love this. Gives a great description of Piper's personality and also the attachment between a wizard and their wand.

"I have fought the scumbag before I could tell time" This could be worded better.
"I fought with the scumbag before I was able to tell the time."?

Overall I think it is a pretty good start and I want to read more so well done.
7/21/2013 c20 5HopelessGenius
Aww this was such a perfect ending...I love Raith. I can't wait for Piper to realize just how perfect they are for each other :) Anyway, anxiously awaiting the next book!

Hopeless
7/21/2013 c1 16RisanF
-It was just as much wood of the house showing as the light blue paint that was slow chipping off-

("slowly" chipping off)

-tanner then it normal, somewhat pale complexion.-

("its")

-"Would you quit it?!" He glared down at me as light footsteps came around the corner. She picked up a pair of shoes off the ground, and politely pushed past us.-

(I'm not sure who "she" refers to. Is this a new character entering the scene? It seems like that's the case, but there's no description of the mystery person. I think something's missing here)

-hosting more conventions of books.-

(I don't think this is the right usage of "convention")

-The offender was a handle and I pulled on it, because it only takes something shiny for me to forget that Tony's house is full of loaded weapons.-

(har!)

-"Just use your magic."I didn't have to look over to know Tony was shooting me looks."You could jump it, levitate, force it. C'mon slow poke."-

(This needs a few spaces)

-"'ou 'ill 'no owta oz un a o's?" He asked with his mouth full. I took a moment to process what he said and attempt translating Bacon-ese.-

(I'm not sure I understand Bacon-ese , either...)

-"Sorry, think you can come give me hand and just jump all this stuff from FSD?"-

(come give me "a" hand?)

-With that done, he jingled his keys, went to the stairs, and headed down. I grinned when I realized that he was going to the airport in a car. I told you, wizards have no use for conventional transport, especially airplanes.-

(This is a little confusing. If wizards have no use for conventional transportation, why is he traveling in a car? Isn't a car conventional transportation as well? I understand from the next paragraph that Tony is somewhat of a motorhead, but the first paragraph almost seems to imply that traveling by car is LESS conventional than some other method.)

Good atmospheric writing. The readers get a good view of the surroundings, and some nice, poetic turns of phrases linking everything up. Tony seems pretty cool; the kind of grizzled, old softie that's always a mentor-type in these kinds of stories. The magic system and history you've devised is interesting, and helps distinguish the tale from Harry Potter.

-RisanF
7/16/2013 c1 2little egret
I dislike the length of this chapter because I think it's too much in one go - I could see it being broken into at least two separate chapters. I like the subject of wizards and using wands because I think there's little of this written after Harry Potter - not many have wanted to approach the archetypes since then, so it was refreshing to see another take on it.

I enjoyed the narrative voice of Piper (Charmed reference?) because I thought at some points it balanced humor while still imparting information about your wizarding world. Plus the sarcasm about Harry Potter was great. I did notice that you have a lot of punctuation problems with your dialogue - perhaps you could try correcting it just for sake of flow when the character's speak, but I didn't find it too distracting.

Because of the length of the chapter, I also felt it started to drag in some points, especially when Tony and Piper are talking about the bacon sandwich and the summoning of Gatorade - I kind of just started fighting the urge to skim, but I don't know if I'd be doing that if I knew there was a closer end in sight, sorry. I did like the very end though, because you ended with a snappy line and it makes me wonder what might come next, especially how Piper might get the book.
4/27/2013 c2 13VelvetyCheerio
I like that things sort of start getting rolling in this chapter. There's a lot of intrigue concerning Tessa and her abilities, and just the case in general. Adding in these elements puts the plot in gear and adds to the mystery and action.

The only problem I had with this chapter was that there was a lot of dialogue. Dialogue isn't always bad, because in this case it helped establish character and reveal information. However, with this chapter, there was a lot more dialogue than there was description, and I actually found the part with Riot barking at the door to be the most interesting instance of description throughout this chapter. The dialogue is great because it gives me a chance to gauge interactions and character, but it's the description that will ultimately allow me to visualize.

I didn't really know where the two women were, or how they were sitting, or what they had in front of them. I was even a little confused by the case files for a while there until Piper started explaining it.

Anyway, I think Tessa's character is a nice change of pace for Piper, because I think this gives her a chance to interact with another female and maybe explore that side of her femininity. Like, how she considers at the end how Tony isn't around and gives in to "girl talk". So I think it will be interesting watching her relationship with Tessa grow.
4/26/2013 c1 VelvetyCheerio
I think this chapter's length works against the information you're trying to convey. There's just a lot of information and it's hard to keep track of it all when the chapter is this long and it mostly is an exposition of the character and some witty dialogue. I suggest cutting this chapter in half if you absolutely cannot part with any of the information, or going back and taking away a lot of the fluff, such as Piper telling the reader she is a wizard, mage, etc. This we already know from the summary, so it's somewhat redundant.

I did like a lot of the cultural references in this chapter, though. I think it's a smart way of clueing the reader in on the times and how things have progressed so far. I also like Piper's character because she doesn't come across as instantly feminine. She's got a lot of spunk and confidence, and she's not overly concerned about what she looks like, and I think in this way, her character gives more room for the setting and story line to be explored.

Another thing I just want to advise on is how you word things and tense. The very opening sentence read very awkwardly to me.

[It's usually ill-advised for the twenty-something year old to approach the broken lone house alone in the middle of dead cornfield armed with nothing but her cheery smile and a good screaming voice.] Your use of "the twenty-something..." gives the impression of a specific twenty year old, which, yes, that would be Piper. But, since the story is told from first person, it's as though Piper is talking about someone other than herself. It's like she's pointing at another twenty year old and saying that's not a good idea. I think the structure would flow better if you used "a" rather than "the".

[Besides that, Tony is a man stuck in the 1970's some days. He has, somewhere, a load of classic cars that he keeps around to drive.] As for tense, your story is told in first person past, and these particular sentences flip to present. I think it would be a good idea to change "is" to "was" to stay in tense. "Has" to "had"; "keeps" to "kept".

Good luck in future chapters! :)

Velvet.
4/22/2013 c14 A.C
Have I said I love your characters? I really, really do. Piper is so unique. Many maincharacters are kind of cliche, but Piper is so beautifully made that I want to kiss you.
When she totally disregards how Raith said she was cute, funny and smart and just goes for arrogant and dead lemming? I died.
And you've got to love her and Raith's relationship! Love it. Love it. Love it. Looooooove iiiiiitttt!
Patiently waiting your update 3
4/21/2013 c13 A.C
Wow... I'm just... Wow... You make the characters and their relationships so realistic. I sat here laughing about Tony and Artie so much that my brotger told me I was crazy. I can't wait until the next chapter i up. Keep ut going! 33:-D
4/20/2013 c1 1mingsquared
First off, I noticed this chapter has a lot of missing punctuation and some sentence structure issues here and there. I definitely recommend you going back and adding some commas (since that seems to be the most common punctuation mistakes) and also reword some sentences. While they're understandable, they just seem odd and uncomfortable. Take for example this one:

[The steps didn't sound right as I trotted up them. They didn't make a sound at all.] - Trotted up them just doesn't sound really good. Perhaps you should try combining the two sentences together, or reorder the words like "As I trotted up the steps, I noticed that they didn't sound right." Or something along those lines.

You can never go wrong with proofreading. It makes your story appear more professional and by extension, more appealing. Grammar and punctuation mistakes are really common. Even I have problems with them. I proofread like five times and reviewers still manage to find mistakes, so definitely invest some time in editing!

On a final note, I feel like you should introduce your main character's background a bit earlier. I understand that you want to establish some dialogue and the narrator's personality before delving into her background, but honestly I'd rather read about her than the description of her bedroom. Using first person POV enables you to do a lot of amazing things in terms of thoughts and world building, so definitely take advantage of that!
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